as in 20 years ago but the emotional scars still exist is it grounds to leave now? The man in question has not returned to aggressive behaviour but is and has been on anti depressants for many many years is this just blanking the real issues. What advice would you give to a friend married 26 years with this background.....she stayed for the children and has a financially secure life but still there is a discontent.
2007-12-23 19:42:58 · 14 answers · asked by eagledreams 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok I hold my hands up.....the woman is me. So therefore it is my business.
2007-12-23 19:54:00 · update #1
Clearly you have stayed in order to give the children a stable upbringing, and there's been a 'cease-fire' between you and your husband and life, on the surface, has appeared to be normal. So well done to you. But now the children are older - are you saying that you feel it is time to get your own life back to where you want it, that you feel the time for sacrifice is over?
The discontent is still there - do you know what it is that would make you happier? A sincere apology from your husband for his wrong-doings (has he ever apologised)? If he's on anti-depressants then you are not living with someone in the real world, he has retreated into a shell and has blanked off all emotional intimacy.
If your children are grown up and gone then perhaps it IS the time to re-evaluate your life and work out what you want. It's never easy leaving someone after such a long time but look at your life .... you may live until the age of 75 or more. And if you are, say, 40 now, then you have another 35 years to go in your life. Is this how you want the next 35 years to be?
If the answer is 'no' then the earlier you leave, the easier it is to pick up and start over again.
But whatever you decide, think hard. On the surface life is tootling along just fine but if you open that Pandora's box and start changing things, it will be a bumpy ride with a lot of emotional heartache and probably stuff that you put to bed a long time ago.
I'd think long and hard about this one. Good luck.
2007-12-23 21:14:26 · answer #1 · answered by gorgeousfluffpot 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if she were my friend, I would simply say that it is not my place to give her the answers or any advise.I would simply tell her that I know what I would have done years ago for myself,but its not me.I would advise counceling and tell her that I would be there for her as a friend and to listen and help with what I can,and let her know that my door is always open to her..
the fact that you stuck it out took great courage - personaly I wouldnt have done it for the children - the children would have been better off in a better enviroment..
anti depressants,does put a blanket over things because its giving the person that high, so that things work right in the brain and the depression goes away,,but what people need to know is that it doesnt solve the issues - its just helps,and that person need to go to counceling and work on the reasons why - just taking th e medication is not the answer to make issues go away.
If you are feeling discontent and restless and you cant forgive him for the way he treated you, then maybe its time for you to look into counceling to help you sort out your feeling and such, so should you descide to leave, you do it on terms of knowing its what you want and its whats best for you !
looking at the dact that you have emotional scars tel me that what he did was not only abusive,but unforgiving - which in turns tells me that you dont trust him - if you cant trust tthe person then you have nothing left to work with
2007-12-23 20:02:18 · answer #2 · answered by country_girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has resolved the problem, she too should get some therapy to learn how to release the inner pain she is still feeling. She and her husband need to attend marriage counseling to heal the wounds. I would very seriously suggest that she not leave until she tries the counseling. She may find, after 26 years that the dating world is not a very nice place to be. The men just do not treat you as nice as they did years ago. Take it from one that knows. I recently became single again after many years. The dating scene is horrible. There are so few good men out there that are not married, in a committed relationship, or gay.
2007-12-23 19:57:37 · answer #3 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If Your Relationship Has Had a Violent Past, Then It Has No Future. You said it yourself, the scars are still there for you. And his medication isn't addressing the "root" of His Issues. SO, I say, You've dealt with it Long Enough !!! Start The New Year Out with a New Beginning !!! Merry Christmas!! Good Luck!!
2007-12-23 20:23:43 · answer #4 · answered by casper 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it has been 20 years ago, he haven't been the same. Then why isn't she happy that they've gotten past that one part of their lives? The kids are grown or should be nearing adulthood. Maybe she need help. May be you as a friend need to start talking positive to her. Stop her when she starts going over 20 years of hurt and try to promote happiness. If you can't be a friend like that, then you need to stay out of her business. It is hard for me to believe, after 26 years, she wondering if she should leave now. I have one thing to ask. What's his name?
2007-12-23 20:00:34 · answer #5 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you said there had been no abuse for 20 years it sounds as if your friend is looking for an excuse to leave by digging up past issues that have been eliminated. Your friend doesn't need an excuse, people walk out of marriages every day for no more reason than they are having a bad hair day.
2007-12-23 19:52:44 · answer #6 · answered by SkyLights90N 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she is unhappy whether he has changed of not, she should just leave. He had a problem and did something to work on it, but it seems that wasn't the real problem in the first place if you are still thinking of leaving.
2007-12-23 19:53:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i left after 21 years. like your situation, the violence stopped some years ago, but the damage is done. i'm so glad i made the break, but you have to decide for yourself. the grounds to leave are still there. i found i could never really forget. he said it was because i couldn't forgive him, but that isn't so. every time he got angry, i was mentally preparing myself for a hiding & it had nothing to do with lack of forgiveness. i wish you all the best, diane.
2007-12-24 05:06:28 · answer #8 · answered by diquarry 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is none of your business--and you can stir trouble for the wife and YOU getting involved--she is a grown woman with the right to make up her own mind. Leave it alone.
2007-12-23 19:49:39 · answer #9 · answered by fire_inur_eyes 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
those scars never heal and I would leave (I Did) you deserve the right to be happy in life, there is the perfect partner out there for everyone
2007-12-23 21:01:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋