My friend is dating a moron. Advice?

Question

My friend has had a bf since high school. However, he is 28, she is 24. She has a good job, and finished college while caring for his two sons, but he still hasn't finished high school and is selling drugs in order to support himself. He does not pay child support. He has a mental illness that makes him have rages, but will not take his medication. She lives with her parents because she will not let her children be around him alone with drugs/anger issues around, as when he was much younger (years ago) he was physically abusive.

Now for the problem - she has wanted to leave him for ages, but every time she does, he refuses to see their children. She gets very upset because their son starts asking for him and cries. He follows her around secretly and snaps photos or videos. She's convinced that her children NEED their father, so she reluctantly gets back with him.

Is there any advice I could give to her? I'm not a mother, maybe she's right? She seems to be wilting inside

Grandfather - he's a very poor role model... unfortunately, he's an alcoholic. That's 1 reason I think she's a little messed up about men.

Answer 1

Face the fact that your friend is also a moron.
Get her into counseling if you can.

Answer 2

Yes a child needs a father. Unfortunately, she may be both parents here. She needs to kick him out. Enabling & tolerating his behavior is setting a bad example for her children. She wouldn't tolerate this from them so why him. He has a male figure if grand pop is in the house. She needs to give him the ultimatum get help or else. They need a father yes not an abusive drug addict poor role model. Be very prepared she obviously doesn't share your views on things. I called health services on a family member & a friend for not caring for their children. Neither are my friends now even though they are all better off now. A true friend will do whatever it takes for their friend...unfortunately possibly losing them as a friend. Strength be with you & offer support groups or whatever counseling or support may be available for them. They're are enabling support groups.... Good Luck!

Answer 3

Yes children need their father, however if the father is unstable, they dont need that. So heres what she can do. She can go to the court or a lawyer explain the situation and have the court or the lawyer set up supervised meetings with the children (not her she doesnt have to be there) with someone in the room. She'll need to sit down and document with dates etc. past incidences. And with her request for supervised visits she should also request and order of protection, this will keep him from following them when they leave the supervised meeting site or from spying on her at all.

Answer 4

My advice is shoot for the moon. Women are a lot less interested with looks than guys are, that's why you always see couples and wonder "how in the hell did he land her?" Don't be in such a hurry to get kissed or get laid, that's going to make the problem worse, and girls can sense that. I was, I was the biggest dork when I was 17, and because I was trying so hard, I never broke out of it until my mid 20s. The big thing is here to value yourself, and be confident. Make yourself worth having, make sure you are acting right, and be in control of the situation. Women are really turned off by nervousness and shyness. Don't be cocky, but be assertive, walk with your head high, and talk to the girl like she's anybody else. The nervousness comes from thinking you need to be or act like someone else, and because you're out of your element, that gives you problems. Women that are perfect 10's are impressed sometimes by "average" guys having the courage to come talk to them. Some you win, some you lose, but you'll never be happy if you settle. You may strike out more swinging for the fences, but eventually you'll nab a good one. I did.

Answer 5

From what you have described, she and her children are much better off without having this guy in her life period, regardless of the fact that he fathered her two sons. She is so wrong on this front, that it boarders on being abusive to her children. She needs to put her foot down to this "man" and stay from away from him as possible until (and I'm will to wager that might be never) he gets his life together. As for her children, she should tell them when they ask for their dad, make up any excuse, but try not to bad mouth, as much as it is the truth, and tell them he can't come see them right now. And she needs to be strong when they do call out for him and not go crawling back him Yes, I agree that children need their father, but this man is anything but.

Answer 6

date your own moron and when she says something say, "see, I told you so."

seriously though, She left him for a reason. in this case numerous reasons. Children will act as adults by what they see growing up. does she really want them to grow up to be like daddy? or worse, to be like her? Im not saying shes a bad person but they will gravitate toward the same abusive person in thier own relationships, the same as she did . A father figure is a great thing in a childs life, but it doesnt need to be him. she needs to find a good person, a role model for her children and most of all someone that she can be happy with too. Kids dont like to eat vegetables either and cry for that too. doesnt mean they dont have to eat them right? Find a good "father" for them and for her (uhhhh not father for her but.... well you get the idea)

That and a restraining order.....

Answer 7

Although it's *normally* best for kids to have a father, your friend's situation isn't "normal" & in this case those kids will be *much* better off without him in their lives. So will your friend, obviously. If she can't trust him alone with the kids, she should realize that the kids shouldn't be around him @ all.
Unfortunately, this will be a tough transition for your friend & her kids, especially the son who misses his dad. Just be there for them & help her to stay strong b/c although her son is hurting now he'll begin healing without that man in their lives.
She should talk to the police if this guy is stalking her. Believe me, this could get ugly if it continues. A restraining order is a good idea although if he's that warped he won't honor it. Best of luck to all of you.

Answer 8

Your friend doesn't need the advice, the guy she's with is the one who needs it. Maybe try getting him into a support group so he can stop the drugs and so he will take his medication. He also needs to go back to school. If he follows her whenever she leaves, she needs to call the police because that's a stalker!

Answer 9

children don't need a father like him... it would be no great loss if they didn't see him again until he stopped using and grew UP.

meanwhile, your friend has an emotional attachment to him, so she is using the kids' wanting to see him as an EXCUSE for her to see him herself. and possibly she doesn't think much of herself. she can see what an idiot he is (no one has to tell her). any women who'd want to be with a pathetic excuse for a man, can't value herself much.

you might let them work it out for themselves... giving unsolicited advice to friends is not usually a good idea.

Answer 10

Get a restraining order. She is being pretty naive for going back to him. Take him to court so she could get full custody, get a restraining order. Otherwise leave it alone and let her deal with it

Answer 11

get rid of him ,you dont need him around the children with the issues that he is having .get a resraining order on him he is a danger to himself ,her and the children .have her explain to the children that mommy and daddy have a few things to work out and need time apart to do this . he is using this situation to his advantage,get her out .call a womans domestic violence hotline in your area,they will helpbe honest with them and tell them whats going on ,get her out before one of them are hurt or worse ..if you are a true friend dont wait ,believe me been there.. good luck..