My husband is currently in jail right now. I am eight months pregnant with his child and so far it has been rough, thanks to him. He is an alcoholic and throughout my pregnancy there's been many occasions where he'd loose his job, not come home at night, not cheating but out in the bar or passed out somwhere, or I'd come home to a drunk husband after a long night at work. We talked about two days ago after getting his one phone call from jail which he's in there for a misdmeanor but he's finally promising me to get the help he needs and that once he gets out which will probably be in a couple weeks he is going to do everything he can to get help and do what he's got to do now. A part of me is so mad at him and I feel I can't trust him. I really do love him though. Unfortunately his childhood was very horrible which is the main reason he is the way he is. As his wife, what am I supposed to do?? He's promised me this before, but he's finally hit rock bottom now......
2007-12-23 15:56:01 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why did you marry a loser?
2007-12-23 15:58:17 · answer #1 · answered by Rachel 3 · 3⤊ 7⤋
Well I have to say I have been in your shoes the only difference is that he would get drunk and try to beat on me. I'm clearly not the one for that BS so if he don't shape up then he should ship out and its doesn't matter about how his childhood was. Its up to him to break the cycle of repeated history. Don't settle for less especially if you are having a child and you need to understand that it takes 2 to support a home with a child or 2. See drunk is an excuse for everything that he's not happy about and my father was a construction worker had 8 kids and was a drunk...a terrible drunk. He to was a woman beater when he was drunk. He was always passed out in the streets and my brother would follow him home when he would be stumbling drunk down the street and if he fell down he'd be so dammed drunk he didn't know it was his own son helping him up.....Unlike my mom i remember the promises you know the same old lies that all drunks use (ill get some help,ill quit drinking,i wont do it again)etc. sorry girlfriend you need to loose the zero and find you and your baby a real hero. I'm a wife ,but my hubby is a man of God and doesn't drink and/or smoke i have 4 children and he has 3 and we are happy and we own a home so i didn't settle for less and you shouldn't either........good luck and i hope you have a smooth x-mas.
2007-12-23 17:15:48 · answer #2 · answered by thelilsxysmoothone 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Please listen to what I say and don't get mad. You need to seek help and change your behaviors just as much as he does. Go to an ALANON meeting. You are part of his drinking problem.
That said it's no surprise that he "has hit rock bottom" in jail. He is not the first person to make that promise from jail. I would take care of yourself and your baby and let him fend for himself. If he gets out of jail and actually pulls his s*** together you can reevaluate your life together in about a year. I would not believe one of his lies from jail. The excuse you seem to buy "that he had a horrible childhood" is just an excuse. There is no reason to leave your loving pregnant wife home alone to go get drunk and pass out. He is full if it and needs to quit blaming and start healing. You can't trust him or anything he says. He is an alcoholic. Please take care of you and your child. I'd watch his actions and behaviors. Don't listen to his lies make him prove he is going to change make him work at getting you and your child back. I am sure this is not the first time you have felt sorry for him and allowed him to continue drinking. Get over it he is a big boy and he is not doing the right thing. He needs to "man up" and take responsibility for his life. He obviously put his drinking before you and his unborn child, what an A**h***. It is up to him not you. You are what we call in the field an enabler. Ask yourself what does he bring to the table other than the alcoholic chaos. Save yourself and don't listen to him tell you lies. Make him prove he is going to change by actually changing. You may want to seek professional help so you can remain strong it is going to be a very bumpy ride if you try to work on it with him but don't buy into his "poor me" stories.
2007-12-23 16:17:41 · answer #3 · answered by David F 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He has been cheating on you- with the booze. He does have a problem if he has put you in that situation. You have all rights to be mad at him. You don't need any further stress in your life right now. For gods sake you are about to have his child. His childhood gives him no excuse to treat others badly. This is a cop out -don't fall for this old crutch. He has chosen the path he took and takes.
I hope he wakes up and gets the help he needs. He has a loving wife and one of lives most precious gifts- a child.
As his wife, you should support him -if he changes for the better. If he continues down the same path, you must think of the child's safety and wellbeing and do what a mother would do.
I wish you and yours the best!
2007-12-23 16:10:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie you asked what should you do as a wife which means you most likely promised each other to stick behind each other for better or for worse and you also said he hit rock bottom. He is your husband and you must stick with him, The worst possible thing to do now is to leave him it will just get him into more trouble. you are the person he loves and cherishes he vowed it to you. The best thing to do now as a wife is to stand by him for better or for worse and help him through this. Their is nothing in this world that can not be accomplished with two people who love each other and stick with each other through thick and thin. I hope you follow your heart and during the process always keep in mind that "where theirs a will theirs a way" you should never forget that helping someone will always help you in some way. You are married to the man you love and you are having his child, everyone deserves a second chance and everyone needs a helping hand. May god be with you and bestow upon you the Patience and grace you need through this time.
2007-12-23 16:55:50 · answer #5 · answered by zeze 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't be sure he's hit rock bottom, but I understand you are hopeful.
Marriage is about committment. It's admirable that you are willing to honor your committment even though your husband is not a very good husband right now.
Being in a marriage with an alcoholic has a lot of risks. They call it a "family disease" for a reason.
The most important thing for you to do is set boundaries. Don't let him control or manipulate you. I guarantee he will try. You must let him face the consequences of his own actions and never protect him or cover for him. Never let him use guilt or intimidation to make you feel responsible for him. You are not. Never do anything enabling. That's anything that makes it easier for him to drink.
If he does get and stay sober then you can have a good marriage and he can be a good father. HOWEVER that's a big IF. Most alcoholics never stay sober. If he doesn't then you are putting yourself and your child at risk by being with him. If he doesn't harm you physically he certainly will mentally and emotionally.
Above all remember this: It's not your fault he's an alcoholic and there's nothing you can do to solve his problem. It's all up to him.
IF he says he's going to get help then he needs to go to rehab and regular, daily AA meetings for at least 90 days after. AA meetings will have to continue for the rest of his life but many can do well with 2 or 3 a week after the first year or so. It's possible to get and stay sober without rehab but AA is a MUST.
I'm an alcoholic with a wife and 3 kids. I've been sober 12 years. My wife endured the first 7 years of our marriage with me as an active alcoholic. It's taken a lot of years for her to recover as well. It tore my heart out to realize the damage I did to her and to see her struggle to recover herself.
The best thing you can do for both of you is pursue God on a daily basis. Attend church and pray daily. Study the bible. THe cure for your husband is a spiritual program. It would be good for you too.
2007-12-23 16:14:31 · answer #6 · answered by SolaFide 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I had the same problem with my husband late last year, and could not take it anymore. We have 2 children together, and had been together for almost 7 years at the time. It was drinking, long nights, no stability, and scrapes with the law. Know what I had to do??
I had to pack up the kids and myself and move out. We filed for a divorce in October last year, and by mid-December, he PROVED he wanted to change by joining the Army, (something he always wanted, but alcohol got in the way) and we stopped our divorce. Now, he is deployed, unfortunately, but our relationship is the strongest ever, and I am just starting my 7th month of pregnancy! We moved away, and started new lives, all because I SHOWED him what his destructive life was pushing me to do, no matter how much I loved him. Sometimes you need to scare the crap out of them, and show them that you will not lay down and be the doormat. I know it's hard, but trust me, it gets easier if he can't get better. I dealt with it for 4 years before I finally left, and trust me, that was TOO long.
I wish you the best of luck with your new baby, and with your husband....
2007-12-23 16:07:22 · answer #7 · answered by lisarizer 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ummm ok well im only 17 but please think about your child. At what point in your life are you going to stop and think about your own happiness?? Your husband is in jail and is addicted to alcohol, he already made his choice as to what he will do as a husband. Stop thinking and believing that he will change because alcohol is his vice that consumes him and ultimatley is his lifestyle. As a wife you should see him for who he is, force him to get help, and step back. If that doesnt work then its not ur fault. There is only so much a person can do to help an alcoholic. You dont need that bad company in your life. When it comes down to it, he is probably the main cause for your problems and discomfort Maybe he doesnt care about you enough to want to change. Think like a mother, take care of your baby. Thats not an environment i would have wanted to gorw up in.
2007-12-23 16:12:32 · answer #8 · answered by Elsa R 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
1) Have the baby.
2) If it's unbearable, move back home or find a charity that helps mothers keep their children.
3) Don't buy the story about his terrible childhood. You didn't say if the misdemeanor is drunk-in-public or some other problem.
4) Don't you have any friends? Make sure they know what's happening.
5) Keep a diary of promises, arrests, lost jobs, expenses, etc.
6) At some point you have to decide. How much can you survive?
2007-12-23 16:07:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your main concern right now should be the safe and healthy delivery of your baby. Concentrate on keeping your stress leel down and makng sure you take care of yourself. When the time comes for him to be released, give him an ultimatum - either get the help he needs to overcome his alcoholism and prove that he wants to be a husband and father, or kick him to the curb.
I know how hard it is to raise a child on your own (single mom of 2), but it is far more unhealthy to raise a child in a home where there is constant arguing and upheaval. Also, you haven't said if he's ever raised a hand to you but oftentimes this is the result of alcoholic behavior. If he hasn't yet, don't tempt fate.
2007-12-23 16:05:45 · answer #10 · answered by rabilac2000 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is intervention/ultimatum time. You or your baby do not deserve that. Do not settle for less, at the same time do not give up on him. Let him know straight forward what this has done to your family. He needs to be in counseling/therapy before you will take him back. That's what I would do, there are ways to work it out, The 3 A's are the hardest. Abuse, Addiction & Adultery. But stay strong, and you can move on with or without him. If he was my husband that is what I would do. I would not tolerate it. Get it done now before the baby is born.
2007-12-23 16:05:32 · answer #11 · answered by LivePrettyDieYoung 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋