Can you please critique the beginning of my short story? It's a very short paragraph.?

Question

'Lydia and Sylvia Granger had lived together for the last 45 years, in the house that their father had willed to them upon his passing 45 years ago. Today was Sylvia’s 80th birthday; tomorrow would be Lydia's. They had been born exactly 2 minutes apart: Sylvia at 11:59 PM, and Lydia at 12:01 AM. Lydia had always resented Sylvia’s being the older sister, as she had always lorded it over her when it came time to make decisions regarding the management of their lives together in that old house.'

Did it make you want to read more? What are your first impressions of the characters? Thank you SO much to anyone that does this. These reviews keep me writing.

Answer 1

I liked it! I do agree with the "eliminate one 45" and the "more details" advice and you set the stage for their relationship very well if we're supposed to get the impression of two fussy old maids who have some tension between them. The only new advice I can give you is to replace "her" in the sentence .."lorded it over her..." with "Lydia" or "her baby sister" or something to that effect. When you're discussing two people of the same gender, gender specific pronouns are best used carefully. Good luck with your story- I'd love to read more.

Answer 2

To be honest, I found it a little flat. You might want to consider adding a "question" of "why is that" for the reader in the first sentence.

For example, "Lydia and Sylvia Granger had lived in the same house for the last 45 years, and yet again Lydia was wondering why she had never left the place." And then you can go into the setup again. But the end of the first sentence draws you in because there is a "mystery" to uncover, that of "why does Lydia want to leave?".

In this day and age of instant gratification, people need a hook immediately. Starting with action, or with mystery, or a dialogue, or even a humorous statement, and people have to read more to find out what is going on. Then you can let your minor details (or details period) draw them in further. But the initial hook has to be there.

But I think you've painted the characters fairly well. A little too much "Telling" rather than "showing", but each minute detail makes it seem too perfect. Like you are just waiting for something to go wrong.

Good luck with your writing!

Answer 3

The birthday thing is a little too cliche. Start your first sentence at the beginning of your story with something shocking that makes the reader want to continue. Lydia and Sylvia Granger have spent the last 45 years becoming the perfect set of sister spinsters. They have been coexisting in the house that their father willed to them upon his passing. You don't have to tell us that he died 45 years ago, that is inferred. Born 2 minutes prior to Lydia, Sylvia always lorded her age over Lydia's head. Especially when it came time to make decisions regarding the management of their lives together in that old house. Today was Sylvia's birthday and...
I'm not sure where you are going next, but I assume you are leading into a story about their birthdays.
Hopefully you will not take my advice to harshly, I think you are going in a good direction here. It's just constructive criticism.

Answer 4

My impression of the characters is that they are two old maids that never married and never went out into the world very much. I'd be interested enough to read a few more paragraphs. If the next paragraph had a wacky anecdote as to how Sylvia lorded it over Lydia one time it could really grab the attention of the reader.

Answer 5

I think you have to make your opening paragraph more interesting. In a novel and a short story, the opening paragraph has to have a hook, or the audience isn't going to be interested in reading the rest of the story. So, in order to make this better, I think you should work on your diction a bit,in order to grab the reader's attention. Plus, I also think you should show-instead of tell. Because by doing that, it would also give the opening paragraph more life.

When it comes to my first impressions of the characters, they only resemble flat characters to me because you haven't gave a lot of information about the protagonists. Sure, It says that both of them lived together for the past 45 years , and it describes Lydia displaying envy, therefore having a capacity to commit a treacherous act. It also displays Sylvia as the bossy older sister, but besides that, it doesn't give a lot of information.

So, overall, I think it's a ok start, but this opening paragraph needs revision.

Answer 6

A nice story - I especially loved the ending. However, there's a few changes I would make. If it were my own story, I would make the following changes: I walked briskly out into the fresh country air and took a deep breath. I held it in my chest for a second and paused take in my surroundings. Although it was nearly pitch-black, I could feel the cool wind running slowly up the back of my neck, which in turn sent a cascade of shivers across my body. Strange weather, I thought. It was too cold for late December. I shrugged and advanced slowly towards the silhouette of the tall iron fence separating the yard from the rolling field beyond, careful not to run into any unsuspecting trees along the way. When I reached it, I clasped one of the clammy bars and heaved myself up until I was sitting comfortably on top, and I looked around. Darkness seemed to envelop everything below me. It was a moonless night, but I could still see the old barn in the distance. A sudden wave of fear rolled over me, and tucked the ivory jacket closer to my body. After a moment of thought, I smiled at my childishness (although my grip on the jacket didn’t falter), and looked up. It was then that I remembered why I loved to come to that spot. The sky was completely colorless- so black that you could lose yourself just looking at it – and more stars than I could have ever thought possible. I gave it a minute to sink in before returning to my original mission. I turned swiftly and held my breath once more. There it was, exactly where it had always been, and where I hoped it would always be. “Star light, star bright…” I began softly, and repeated my familiar wish over in my head. I hope that helped. A really lovely story though. I wonder, does the story continue?

Answer 7

'Lydia and Sylvia Granger had lived together for 80 years, in the house that they grew up in and that their father had willed to them upon his passing 45 years ago.'

If they are spinsters, then it follows that they never left their mother and father's house. Did the mother die at birth? If not, where is she?

Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey came from his short story The Sentinel.

Answer 8

I would suggest you to make a couple of more changes than cjust changing 45.
The last line, especially, need attention. Lydia had always resented... Its too much of dictation. You should Show us not just Tell Us. Write it something like:
Sylvia considered herself to be the older twin. She had been lording Lydia throughout her age in all matters for house keeping.....

Just a suggestion.

TW K

Answer 9

i like your style of writing. definatly change the '45' .. its an issue and it makes me think you need more writing and reading practice. however, i really dont like the issue of resentment and one being older than the other. i dont think this is realistic. you havent obviously given us any info of what type of novel this is, so if its some sort of fantasy then okay sure. but ive known siblings that where considered 'older' because of a few minutes and theres no resentment and its just a silly stereotype. it seems either too unrealistic or too typical which doesnt make me care about them at all. romanticize the characters. make them unique not resentful. also when you first introduced them i didnt necesarily think they were sisters.. until the father part. in todays society there are many same sex couples that stay together for a long time. you need to take in account of all perceptions from all angles. keep going. and email me if you want me to keep proof reading.

Answer 10

I liked it. I would change the opening to get rid of the 45 years used twice. Something like "had been living together in the house for 45 years, the day after inheriting it from their father."

Otherwise I like the age thing, and I keep hoping the younger sister is either going to kill the older one, or out live her by two minutes. Keep working on it.