I am going insane over here......I often hear people say that you cannot really love someone unless you trust them. I beg to differ. I love my boyfriend to DEATH. I would do absolutely anything for him and I REALLY want to be with him. But I DON'T trust him. Here's Why: We broke up a couple of months ago and he immediately began messing around with his ex. It bothered me because I felt he didn't even give us anytime to be apart first. Well. A month or two passed and he tried to get back with me, implying that his ex was just a "rebound" because he had so much on his mind and blah blah blah.....anyway. I forgave him for acting so nonchalant and being a total and complete asshole about everything and making all those stupid choices...but I cannot forget. Today is his birthday and when I called he didn't answer. he called back after 2 hours (very unusual) and told me he fell asleep after one of his guy friends bought him out to eat and to the mall.. I Do Not believe him.
He has definitely been letting his actions speak for him and his intentions seem to be good, but I just can't trust him no matter how hard I try........has anyone ever had to regain their trust with you and if so, how long did it take and how did you shake those feelings of resentment?
2007-12-23 13:48:59 · 45 answers · asked by Tnisha 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
He can't spend his birthday with me, I am out of town.
2007-12-23 14:02:42 · update #1
We tend to be "creatures of habit" and want to go back to people that have hurt us or that we don't trust. We do this because we are in the familiar and we would rather suffer with a situation we know than venture out into something we don't know. I would break up with him asap. I was with a guy for a year and a half who constantly cheated and lied. He had a kid with another girl and never told me. He was always sleeping with her and lying to me about it. I bet you're awesome and can find someone new who will treat you wonderfully. Good luck wih whatever you choose!
2007-12-23 14:01:22 · answer #1 · answered by bianca3453 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Trust is a big issue in a relationship. If you cannot trust someone it will wind up effecting most of your relationship. His two hour absence on his birthday to me sounds like he was most likely with his ex and just didn't answer the phone (was this his cell phone you were calling?) Also, the fact that he was with his ex like immediately after you guys split says TONS!!!! Sorry to say, he has probably been fooling around with her the hole time you have been with him. An ex should always remain an ex. But, you need proof. If I were you, I would try to trick him in some way to get to the truth, like telling him someone saw him with his ex, or another girl. You know, something along those lines. Or just simply borrow someone elses car and follow him on a day that he has set aside for his buddies.
2007-12-23 14:00:16 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The day you break up is the day that you let that person know that it's okay for them to do whatever they want without answering to you. Like he said, he might have been messing around with his ex because he was single at the time, confused, and just wanted someone to be around or to be with.
If he's never cheated on you and he's never done anything (besides that) to not trust him, you should try to move past that and forget about it. I've been in your place before, but it was even worse. My boyfriend actually cheated on me. I did forgive him, even though I would never recommend for anyone to forgive someone that cheats on them, but we actually worked it out. If I had of been questioning him all the time, not believing a word he said, etc., it would've got old quick...and he probably would've left me.
He hasn't even gone as far as to cheat on you. You guys were BROKEN UP when he messed around with his ex. Technically, he did nothing wrong. Yeah, he shouldn't have moved so quickly into that. But it still doesn't mean that he cheated on you or did anything to really and truly hurt you. Don't let something that happened when you two weren't even together ruin your relationship. If you love him and want to be with him, be able to look past that.
Trust is something that's hard to regain once broken, but it's the foundation of ALL relationships. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. This decision is all up to you, though. Good luck.
2007-12-23 13:58:30 · answer #3 · answered by Abby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you do not trust him then you guys can't be together. Why would you want to stay with someone you know it won't work out with. Hopefully you're not having sex with him and if you are I hope you're using a condom EACH and EVERY time. There is a thing called intuition and unfortunately people don't follow it all the time. ---- This is what you should do: Calmly ask him if there is anything bothering him. If he says no, tell him that he's been acting different and you are concerned about your relationship. Say, I know we just got back together so things are a bit weird, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us. If he gets defensive or says something to you that you don't like...I think it's time for things to end between you two. --- I bet you are a sweet, beautiful girl who deserved the world. If he can't meet your needs, your standards, your maturity, then you need to either be alone (like me) or find someone who is better for you.
2007-12-23 13:57:22 · answer #4 · answered by ForestGirl20 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Regaining trust is a very, very long and challenging road. I didn't trust my ex boyfriend (and I came to find with good reason) but I wasn't ever able to learn to trust him again. It turned out he'd been cheating the whole time, so maybe it was just my instincts telling me not to trust him.
There's a reason you have heard so many times that you can't really love someone if you don't trust them, it is true. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship (along with respect and love) and without it you can't have a healthy one. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I've been there and it sucks. Time will help heal all things.
2007-12-23 13:55:56 · answer #5 · answered by grace 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you love this guy, don't make irrational desicions. Remember guys have a different way of thinking than women do. There are situations were some people don't want to give themselves a recovery time between relationships because of them feeling lonely or bored. Ok... so he was with his ex while you guys broke up, in my eyes its ok because you guys weren't together. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you are feeling insecure about the relationship because he was heartless and inconsiderate, I would be pissed to.
Check out what he has been doing, you are not the first woman or the last woman to see what is going on with your beloved.
Actually, I had a similar situation and I have girlfriends that do it too... right before they know their relationships are going to be broken up... they start texting and calling old guy friends... to preoccupy their time. Is it wrong? No. Some people have the fear of being lonely.
2007-12-23 14:04:41 · answer #6 · answered by pchicaq 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is what you heart is telling you, then the way you feel about him is probably right. I would not accept him back at this time. Now, you cannot get upset with him, no matter who he dated when it was over between the two of you, because once two people end the relationship, they can be with whoever they want to. BUT, when he willfully choices to go back to someone he very wel know would hurt you, his actions clearly shows that he doesnt care too much about how you feel. be nice to him, but keep your distance for a while. In doing that, everything you are trying to understand about this guy, will surface to the top; whether it be goo dor bad!
2007-12-23 14:06:14 · answer #7 · answered by notablewoman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's something about TIME. You have to really work at it and be patience. Don't bring up old hurts into your relationship with your boyfriend. Even when you get in fights resist the temptation. Your just showing him that you can't get over it. Move forward. Tell him you do not trust him. Thats actually the best thing. See his reaction. Then go on from there. I had the same problem. Maybe you will be better off as just friends or out of each others lives. Its hard...I know.
2007-12-23 13:54:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Trust is very hard to regain once broken.
You can fall in love over and over again, but you don't ever fall "in trust" cause it actually takes some integrity to earn that label.
Your guy is treating you like dirt, get some self esteem in yourself, walk and don't look back or you will be a doormat the rest of your life! There are plenty of nice guys out there, they just dont get the press!
Merry Christmas!
2007-12-23 13:54:49 · answer #9 · answered by Tapestry6 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter what people tell you on this question, you have to make up your mind on what you want and what you are willing to take. I will say that he is NOT into you, no matter how much he says so. Basically, kick him to the curb. I have done this to women many times. It's easy. We Guys say, "oh, I am sorry. I need you. I really will change." or some crap. Women always fall for it. When they do, they usually regret it. Recommend moving on, dont call him everyday. Wait for him to call you. Don't make any more plans with him. Let him try to make plans with you.
Chances are, he will not change. He can't when he has you to rebound to.
2007-12-23 13:54:55 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋