He says that they are 'only friends' [barf] now, and that any romantic feelings he had for her he left in the past... The thing that bothers me is that their history together is still engraved in their memory, and I'm sure it crosses their mind, at least, on occasion. I have no problems with them considering themselves 'friends,' but I see no need for them to communicate at all. She is engaged, and he is remarried to me. She seems somewhat bubbly (flirty)--perhaps it is just her nature--but it bothers me. I don't get why two people previously involved in romantic relationships with no present connections (i.e., minor kids) have to stay in contact. I find it disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop talking to her? Do any other women out there find this annoying?
2007-12-23 09:12:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As a side note, I am not sure what they talk about because he never talks to her when I am around. She left him--this whole situation is convoluted, and she contacted him out of the blue and wanted to resume their friendship. The fact of the matter is everyone has weak moments and sometimes things happen in the heat of the moment. Why even entertain the temptation?
2007-12-23 09:39:47 · update #1
To: jbn
Yes, I posted a question earlier about adultery. That was in my past, and is in no way relevant to my current situation. I was interested in baiting fundies mostly, which is always fun! Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Your red herring is also a non-sequitar. Please keep up and stay on topic. Much appreciation in advance. --LI
2007-12-23 10:12:04 · update #2
To: Colleen O
Can't people with vitriolic attitudes like yours find more deserving people to direct your scorn at like, oh, say murderers and rapists? I'm unaffected by your infantile judgments, and I think your need to spew nastiness (instead of adressing the question) says more about you than me. Enough said.
2007-12-24 03:44:00 · update #3
Okay, this is what I think. You are right. You are his wife now and if you are uncomfortable with his contact with an ex, for whom he has no connections to (kids), then it should be no problem for him to cease contact. Even if he had kids, their only business should be the kids, nothing personal beyond that. How people will jeopardize their current marriage or relationship for something old and from the past, simply amazes me. You need to express to him that you are uncomfortable with this and remember that your feelings should come first, not second to her feelings. If she is an ex, then he shouldn't worry about her feelings over yours and it shouldn't even take a second thought on his part. I would ask him if he wants to go back to his past or look to the future with you. Explain that he "may" be jeopardizing what the two of you have and does he really want to do that. It's that simple. I have read that the #1 reason for second marriages failing is because of an "ex". Best wishes sweetie!
2007-12-23 10:12:52 · answer #1 · answered by 2008girl 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I get how you feel, but I think whether or not you have legit concers depend on a few things:
1. How long were they together?
2. You say you were re-married, but did you mean married again to him or just married for the second time?
3. If remarried to him, did you break up because he cheated?
4. How often do they communicate?
5. When they communicate do they get together or just chat?
6. Is he open about the communication--when it happens and how it happens? There aren't any secret texting or calls, right?
7. How long each time? If an hour or more, you have a problem.
8. Why did they split?
9. How long have they been apart?
10. How long after that break-up did you get together?
11. Does the guy she is with feel the same?
Bottom line: Do you trust him? Is he giving you reason not to?
2007-12-23 09:25:01 · answer #2 · answered by truestrength 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You knew they were friends before you got married. What made you think anything would change after you got married?
Yes you are being unreasonable by asking him to stop talking to her. If he told you that you had to stop seeing one of your friends, you would be screaming about how controlling he is.
No, I don't find being friends with an ex annoying. If the break up was amicable and they are long passed the sexual feelings, I'm a secure enough person that it doesn't bother me.
The fact that you have a problem with him seeing his ex, says more about you than it does about him. It says you have never been friends with the men in your life. you are incapable of seeing men and women as being nothing more than friends. You don't trust him.
In order to judge if you should be concerned:
do they socialize together with you? If they do, you have nothing to worry about.
If they don't and he hides his communications with her from you then you have something to worry about
If you continue haranging him about the ex, you will drive him away from you.
2007-12-23 09:28:58 · answer #3 · answered by Invisigoth 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It depends why you think they're in touch. If you think your husband harbours any hopes of getting back together with her then I'd say it's something you need to address. If not then I think it's probably something you need to deal with. I think if I were you I'd say that I wasn't happy with him spending time alone with her, or having private conversations with her, but if he wants to stay friends with her, then you can all 4 of you go out *very now and again* - ie *not* become best friends. I'd also be quite clear about the fact that I'd consider it tantamount to cheating if he was meeting up with her or talking to her without my knowledge - just because if there's nothign going on, then there's nothing to hide.
2007-12-23 09:48:00 · answer #4 · answered by Alex 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Didn't you just post a question about being separated and having sex with a married man? Maybe your insecure because you now you have done things that you shouldn't have.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkkPtnwGfmquJOhWGdfu_UnB7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20071223135952AANSysG
Even though it was in the past those type of experience stick with us. I personally wouldn't have a problem with my husband keeping in touch with any of his ex girlfriends or his ex wife. I know that they are an ex for a reason. Now I do apologize for jumping to conclusion. But like I said before sometime those thing stick with us.
2007-12-23 09:45:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know something sometimes you think the worse of your man. Look if he wanted to be with her they would probably still be together if you know what I mean. I go through the same with my fiance and to be honest he can't stand his ex but he knows she bothers me so he talks to her to piss me off so sometimes there is nothing going on they just like the fact that you are jealous because if you weren't than that means you really don't care.
2007-12-23 09:20:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally understand you. That story sounds very familiar to me. He is being totally disrespectful with you and himself. This situation can not continue. Ask him to stop talking to her or just look for someone who really wants to commit only with you. As you already said, there is no need for them to stay in contact at this point. I wish you the best luck!
2007-12-23 09:22:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is definintely annoying, yes, but I think if they are not doing anything shady, it is unreasonable to ask your hubby to stop talking to her. Some people who date DO keep in contact as friends, or acquaintances, whatever, and sometimes that really is all there is. As for their history together, I'm sure that you have memories engraved in your head of your past relationships, no? If your hubby and his ex are not doing anything sneaky, then the problem is yours. I think it is disrespectful to ask him to stop speaking to people, especially when there is no real reason, aside from, what...perhaps jealousy? Only you know, right?
2007-12-23 09:19:08 · answer #8 · answered by dianah 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
it can be annoying but i cannot see myself not talking to someone I've known for half my life just because we are not together anymore especially if we did not end it on bad terms! Just give it sometime and it will die down some and don't feel bad for keeping a close eye on them Good Luck:)
2007-12-23 09:22:56 · answer #9 · answered by Alexis D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, here's the problem, you knew this woman was his "friend" all this time, never did anything about it - and married him anyway. If this was such a huge issue it should have been something that was resolved before you agreed to be his wife.
You can ask him not to talk to her because you feel disrespected, but you can't force him. You can't marry someone with the expectation they will change.
2007-12-23 09:17:37 · answer #10 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 6⤊ 1⤋