I would appreciate your comments in the assistance of the path that this piece shall follow.
Please?
Peace & Love,
Sam
"A soaked covered mattress houses one score
Feathered covered softness shelters the dread
Wondering if life can take anymore
Dreams of tall soft meadows travel in
A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls
Dark waters depth never shallow
Crimson red darkness sprinkles Opaque white veils
Death hidden within the center of the flower’s head
A land of wonderment set before your eyes
Moments of the now carried in to the future
Vails of awe, remembered dread
Childish thoughts within dreams"
2007-12-23 06:34:17 · 4 answers · asked by Sam 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Wise S,
Your insight of the foundation of this piece is impeccable.
I congratulate you for seeing. (Bravo)
I would love to discus on a PM level the beginning of this piece.
SAM
2007-12-23 07:00:41 · update #1
Piece and Happiness to you as well Annabella.
I will miss your presence and opinions.
May you have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Samantha
(X)
2007-12-23 07:12:09 · update #2
Hello DIY Doc,
Thank you so much for your opinion and comments of my piece.
If you recall. the initial statement prior to my asking the question, was one of guidance and assistance relating to the posted piece. The question was,“Please”?
“If the initial statement of the Q was an apology,,,STOP IT,,,NOW!
I will not EVER apologize for my art. Not Ever in any type of form or structure!
Y0u posted:
” With even more respect, a child wetting a bed, hiding it, and dreading possible consequenses is impactful, certainly, and most epecially when it's hidden. ASSUMING that's the anaolgy??? Did I OOPS??”
This is not what I intended the piece to say. If this is what you obtained from the piece written, then I need to address this until it speaks as it should.
Thank you for showing me that.
Peace,
Sam
If you recall. the initial statement prior to my asking the question, was one of guidance and assistance relating to the posted piece. The question w
2007-12-23 08:07:45 · update #3
I hope DIY that you will continue to post your opinons and creative constructive critiques on the poetry that I post in the future. Your insight in my prespective gave to me a lot.
Peace & Love to you my Friend,
Samantha
PS; Happy Winter Season to you".
2007-12-23 12:54:29 · update #4
I'm sure the first three lines are somehow connected in your mind with the rest of the poem, but it feels disconnected to this reader. It 's like something you just happened to see on your way to the rest. Lines 4 through 6 need to be reworked a little. I like the last 6 lines; they could actually stand alone.
2007-12-23 06:45:55 · answer #1 · answered by TatersPop 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi. With all due respect, this is the first time I've read a submission by you, but I feel like I wanna scold you,,,as a parent, or mentor?
If the initial statement of the Q was an apology,,,STOP IT,,,NOW!
I suspect anyone in the crafts, might be their own, Most harsh critic, but one shouldn't allude to "Gee is it OK, I wonder?" Consider the song by QUEEN,,,"We Are The Champions".
With even more respect, a child wetting a bed, hiding it, and dreading possible consequenses is impactful, certainly, and most epecially when it's hidden. ASSUMING that's the anaolgy??? Did I OOPS??
I'm a relative "newbie" to this category, but not the craft. I enjoy metaphor and anaology, and TOTALLY understand the dreams of a child. I still recall my worst, from 60 years ago.
I also try hard to decline RATING anyones work, as I feel it's so similar to trying to convert someones political, or religious beliefs to my own...OR even convince you that RED is better than GREEN.
The insistance of other anaologies, IE: Blood, might mean I'm way off base? If so, forgive my interpretation of events and "baggage"
Steven Wolf
2007-12-23 15:06:11 · answer #2 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Oh, well, I only want to read your brightest pieces!
I am joking...
There are good images in the first lines, but it is slightly "disconnected" (although I like this line: "A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls", because it uses concrete imagery). "Wondering if life can take any more" is somewhat abstract for me. But the line I really like is: "Moments of the now carried into the future". Probably because I like "moments of the now"....
vails: veils or wails? Changes everything.
2007-12-23 14:51:45 · answer #3 · answered by Lady Annabella-VInylist 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
...from what I made of it, it's very good.
(I also like how you had a rhyme, then let go of it)
2007-12-23 14:46:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋