I am so hurt by my husbands of 19 years. Once again he hasn't bought me a Christmas gift. My birthday was in October and I got nothing, so he promised to buy me a gift for Christmas. I know that he hasn't because I asked and he said no. My gifts for him are under the tree. I don't have to have something that costs a lot of money, just some thought and care from his heart. Over the years he has bought me maybe 12 greeting cards for various holidays, and I cherish them. He knows this. A card from the dollar store is .50 cents. He could throw in a gift for a dollar. That would make me so happy. I know he had the money, but he chose to prioritize repairing his stupid car first. I have told him how much this hurts me and he just hangs his head and says "I'll get you something, don't worry". I don't believe him, or if by some miracle he does, then it will be a forced gift. Am I being unreasonable? How can I resolve this? Your help would be greatly appreciated.
2007-12-23 04:31:35 · 29 answers · asked by checkthisout! 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for all your great answers. To clear some things up, no he doesn't have a lot of $, b/c of car repairs, but he had enough to eat out quite a few times while working on his car. A gift & card from the dollar store would be $1.50. He has bought me some gifts, maybe 8 total during our marriage, that includes birthdays, anniversary, etc. I loved them to death. He says he loves me very much. We have 6 kids, I always do all the gift shopping, this is the only gift I leave him to buy on his own. It's not about the price, but the thought behind it. He could use one of the old cartons that his Bic Mac came in and scribble I love you, Merry Christmas on it if he had nothing else to give. I am seriously considering the advice from a couple of posters to take his gifts back and buy something for the house, like new towels.
2007-12-23 04:57:14 · update #1
are u kidding me> ure husband is a fricken JERK!! if i was u, Id return every single one of his gifts, buy myself what i wanted, put it under the tree, and open it on christmas day
2007-12-23 04:35:26 · answer #1 · answered by SN 4 · 8⤊ 2⤋
Make a group donation for the entire family, and send cards informing them of the gift you have given. You don't have to tell them the amount, so per-person it will be cheaper, and it's better than sending his relatives gifts that you're never even sure they appreciate. You could do the same for your family, choosing a different charity if you wish, or decide that giving them small gifts is important. The easy way to do it would be to decide an amount for everyone that you can spend (let's say, $200 total--that's not that much considering the amount of people, but it's a rough economy) and splitting it in half--half for each family's gifts. Donate the money for his family's gifts and you can either donate the money or buy small gifts for your family--but make sure he's okay with the plan. Good luck and best wishes!
2016-03-16 05:37:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have mixed feelings about this one. Does he really have the money? You said he chose to prioritize by getting his car repaired "first", but what kind of repair? If he needs the car, and it is a repair that has to be done to keep it safe and usable, then it is not wrong to spend it on the car. But you also say, " I don't believe him, or if by some miracle he does, then it will be a forced gift." So even if he does get you a gift, it really won't mean anything, because you will be second-guessing it. Perhaps you are a real nag? or a whiner? If he has not gotten you a gift in 19 years, then face it, that is just never going to happen - so, this means that you either (a) accept it as part of him, if you want to stay with this person, based on his other good qualities, and take care of your OWN needs and don't bother attaching all kinds of meaning to gifts at all, or (b) dump him. Honestly. There seems to be some really long term, passive-resistant, toxic stuff going on between you. Either that, or he really has no money. But trust me, you have made enough of a deal out of it over the years, he knows what you want, and he is not doing it. So either get over it, and stop being hurt, or DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You know the definition of futility is to keep doing the same thing, over and over, while expecting different results. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
2007-12-23 04:43:27 · answer #3 · answered by eldots53 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
After nineteen years, this still bothers you? You know how he is, and he isn't going to change. Stop buying him gifts and see how he likes it. I thought it was interesting that you said that HE has no money -- and yet, you have plenty of money to purchase gifts. From my perspective, you have a strange marriage.
Edit: Celticbru. , I have to disagree with you. LOTS of men are really into gifts for women they love. My father loved to gift my mother with jewelry and beautiful clothing (and he had great taste.) My husband doesn't like jewelry, but he loves to give me books, music, electronic gadgets, etc.
If you want to celebrate the season by buying gifts, then go adopt a family that needs help, or buy presents for foster children, etc.
Face it -- he doesn't WANT to give you anything. Don't know why, but it sounds really passive-aggressive, that he would adamently refuse to do something so small for you that he knows would mean so much to you. Why is he so angry? Does he even know?
And frankly, if a card from the dollar store would make you "happy", then you're in such a state of emotional denial that I really don't see any hope for happiness in this marriage.
2007-12-23 06:10:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Then don't buy him anything. Treat him exactly as he treats you for a while, and then ask him why he is upset when this is how you have been treated for so long?
He is used to making absolutely no effort. Stop nagging him cos u will get nowhere and I bet he has stopped listening by now. Think carefully about how he acts and just act exactly the same.
Why don't u take back his gifts and only give him the most crappy one if he gives u something.
Agree with SN above; take back his gifts and buy something for urself. what a jerk.
2007-12-23 04:37:21 · answer #5 · answered by Robin 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Can you say emotional abuse? I hate to say this but your husband behaves selfishly because you allow him to.
This is how you resolve the issue: if you do not get a decent gift on Christmas, you will take all the gifts you bought for him back to the store for a full refund or you will donate them to charity (you know, people who will actually be appreciative). If you choose to get a refund, spend all the money on yourself.
If he complains, tell him, "You put yourself first so I decided to put myself first--for a change. And this is the very last time I will buy you gifts for Christmas when you don't get anything for me." Don't yell or cry while you are saying this and leave the room if he starts acting that way.
2007-12-23 04:38:15 · answer #6 · answered by e_d_ellis2004 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Keep in mind that the holidays are about giving not recieving.... Havign said that, the next time you are goignt o buy him a gift, buy one for yourself. Then if and when he asks where his gift is tell him that since he always says he means to get you one, that you went and out got yourself a present therebuy helpgnh him doing 'what he saidys he means to do'.
He really is a jerk... but after 19 yrs you shoudl know this!
2007-12-23 05:28:20 · answer #7 · answered by Hikerjoe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would feel the same way as you! It isn't the money or the gift, but the fact that he cares enough to get something to show you how he feels. When he doesn't do this, it makes you feel like he doesn't care! He doesn't understand this because you always show him or tell him. I think you should tell him that before you give him his presents and let him know how much it hurts. You don't expect anything spectacular or expensive, but just a card or a small gift would help you feel loved. Does he have a brother or can you talk to his mom and see if maybe they can secretly make him understand what the issue is here?
2007-12-23 04:41:16 · answer #8 · answered by Pedsgurl 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Unreasonable?? No way!!
Its not about the actual gift...its the ideation of "oh wow you were actually out, thinking of me when you got this!" Giving gifts shows that you're thoughtful and sweet...
My husband is a horrible giver, but at least he tries. (Examples: copy machine for my birthday...which I have no clue what to do with, a gift card for a car wash and an air freshener for an anniversay, cash...ugh I hate that its such a cop-out, and once a fruit basket lol).
2007-12-23 04:38:58 · answer #9 · answered by Puzzle Box 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't get him anything..Let him feel how you feel every year.( Unimportant ) Spend the money on you for Christmas. I know its hard because you love him and want to show him some appreciation but if he doesn't show it to you, show it to yourself by going out and buying stuff for you for once. Get a refund if you still have the receipts and buy your presents and put them under the tree. He's going to feel stupid or he just might not care at all. You'll see the reaction on Tuesday when he has crap under the freaken tree.
2007-12-23 04:58:56 · answer #10 · answered by irishpr 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel, I had a bf friend that gave me noting at and when he did give me I kinda a wished he hadn't because it was a 1.99 cents bubble bath from rite aid and that haft hearted effort hurt my feelings more than not receiving a gift. So what I'll say to you know is be careful what you wish for because you might be disappointed !!!
2007-12-23 06:01:35 · answer #11 · answered by riggie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋