I feel I am letting my friends down, what can I do?

Question

Two of my good friends have had a fall out, and so they do not speak to each other or try to communicate with one other in anyway. They're still my friends and I'm still friends with both of them, so they're not friends with each other, but they both still consider me a friend.
The tricky thing is, a lot of the time there are situations where I have to choose who I spend my time with. I then have to tell the other that I can't accompany him. I feel I'm letting both of them down every time I do this, and it's hard for me to tell them when I can't accompany him because whenever I tell either *Phillip or *Ben, I can tell in their voices that they're disappointed and either annoyed or left feeling abandoned.
I read something in a book which stated, 'Don't blow out friends repeatedly. You're letting them down if you do. And within them will grow an accumulation of disappointment. They will eventually, most likely, let you go. Beware the piracy of indifference.'

After reading that quote from the book, I became worried that I am blowing them out repeatedly and therefore disappointment is accumulating towards me. I'm worried that either or both will let me go. Would it be my fault? I don't know what to do.

* = Aliases. The names with the asterisks above are not my friends real names, for confidentiality.

Answer 1

I think in the long run you are better off accepting their disappointment than trying to avoid it.

It is not your responsibility to take care of their feelings. For all you know, they could be wishing to hang out with you *and* the friend they had the falling out with. You can't know how much they are truly disappointed and why--and it's better that way anyway. If you choose to act just to make others happy, you'll end of losing touch with what you want.

Let them deal with their feelings. The best thing you can do for them and you and for your friendships with them is to be honest with them and yourself and do what you feel is right.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You should tell both of them that you are both of their friends, and will always remain that unless they let you go, which you hope won't happen. Ask them if it's alright for you to hang out with both equally, and if they say no, then ask again. If it's still the same, they are inconsiderate of your feelings or they just don't want to lose you to the other person.

Letting some time go by will help ease the tension.

Answer 3

Well, it's not your fault they fell out!
Just explain to each that you had no part in the dispute. Say you're sad that it happened, that you still like them both and that you're trying to be as honest and honourable as you can.
Stay above the problem, it's not your place to arbitrate.
They should try to be gentlemen and keep you out of the squabble - it sounds a bit like they're being a bit "mardy" - that's a Yorkshire word meaning "spoilt and undeservedly resentful" - and if they have any real love & respect for you they should act like it!
May peace prevail, happy Yuletide!

Answer 4

I think you need to ask each person how they feel about you doing things with the other person and that you really would like to spend time with both of them.Ask is there any way that this can be resoleved.Ask them to try for you and life is to short to be mad at each other.If they say no than ask them how they want you to handle it because you dont want to let either one down and you can hear it in there voice that they feel let down.And that makes you feel bad /guilty.Tell them both that you dont want to lose either one as a friend because you valule them both.

Answer 5

well thats a tricky situation
but if these two boys used to be friends is there any way that they will become friends again?
you just need to let them kno that you like both of them very much but if they cant get along your going to have to split your time up between both of them
tell them tht your trying to be considerate of the fact that they dont like each other
im sure they will understand if yoyu tell them that you wish you could hang out with bth of them more

Answer 6

Friendship is based on honesty, open communication, trust, thoughtfulness and those attributes which attract other people. Be yourself, speak from your heart when talking to your friends. Ask for advise, listen to them. Allow them to influence your point of view but never let them tell you what you should do. Have principles and think for yourself.

Answer 7

If they were good friends aswell im sure it will pass it will just take some time,but it is in no way your fault.Explain to them both that you care for them both equally and you don't like being but in this position, maybe for your sake they will settle their differences. Good luck! hopefully they aren't as stubborn as my friends and take forever and a day to make up.

Answer 8

Thats not true, your doing the best you can. You need to let your friends know how hard your trying to keep things together, but how much can one person do? If you continue this, both your friends will be sad, and you will tired and frustrated.

Answer 9

Try to get them to be friends again... But, really, if they had a falling out, most likely you will have a falling out with one of them. Because one of them changed... Pick the one you like the best (choose your friends---don't let them choose you) and concentrate on him...

Answer 10

i would sit them both down together and tell them the truth . if they decide not to be your friend anymore just cause your friends with someone that they dont like, then they are not worth your time. i know that that is harsh but they need to understand that youve got feelings too. maybe you can even talk to them about whats goin on between them. maybe they can set aside their differences.