Adult children of divorcees learn from the mistakes of their parents or are more prone to committ them?

Question

What do you think is most common:

They look at the situation and realize the mistakes made and make a concious decision to avoid those blunders

or

No matter how hard they try, they have already been socialized to act somewhat like their parents and therefore will be more likely to make the same relationship errors.

Answer 1

well, what I learned was to never get married or have children lol.

Answer 2

Likely a combination of a few elements. We are most definitely the product of our parents, however a lot of factors will affect the final you.
In no particular order some of these factors are;
- how old were the kids when the divorce happened? if they were young then the impact is different...not necessarily better just different...then
- did the parents ever take the time to explain what happened and ensure that the kids understood what happened? If they did then at the very least later in life our ability to use information and events in our own decision making will help...however if it was never addressed it could be a festering land mine that one day should be answered by the parents...and definitely by the children.
- Did the parents continue to share custody and the kids got to be with both parents and then of course...neither bitched on the other. This is helpful since it could reinforce the explanation given or also do the opposite.
- How did the break up occur...under amicable conditions or really ugly. Nuff said.
- Did the mother and/or father re-marry and have a great relationship with another person and therefore able to show a loving family environment. This could act as the example and also re-enforce the explanation so that later in life the children can draw on this.
- One important element is the child themselves...how strong are they and what is the fabric of their personality? How have they developed...
All of us are a product of our upbringing...as children our basic personalities are formed by 3 -4 years of age...

In the end, the key to any relationship is communication and divorce has the potential to destroy lives...so it is critical that all emotional issues are dealt with early versus later since if not then the answer to your question will likely be...that the kids will repeat their parents actions blindly, perhaps not the same way but close. Look at how you answer a question, how you react, intonations etc.

Know what you want, and then seek advice, and then compare what works for you...just like you are doing now...hope this helped.

Answer 3

My parents divorced when I was nine. I got married and got divorced too. That, was the same mistake.

However, my parents had me at 16. I, on the other hand, waited until I was in my early thirties to get married and had NO children. For one, because I saw how hard it was for my mom being so young, and two, I did not want my children to have divorced parents because I knew it would be hard on them.

Not sure what is most commen, but for me I learned AND made some of the same mistakes -- I think I LEARNED more though.

Answer 4

My mother was married 3 times. I have been married for over 10 years. I would say that it depends on the person and how they decided to live their life. If they decided that they would never get divorced because of the mistakes their parents made then they will be married for a long time. If they figure well if things don't work then I'll just get divorced my parents did and I'm fine, then they will get divorced.

Answer 5

i think its different all the time , i mean sometimes people who grow up in divorced families really understand the mistakes their parents do and dont do them and a live a happy life then again some get paranoid that their marrige will be just as bad and i think when you carry that in your heart it really turns out bad cause thats what you expect , right, i think but really i think its how the person is , they make their own life so yeah
getting married and having kids with who you love should be something amazing and you shouldnt be negative about it just cause your parents had a bad experience well i think so anyway

Answer 6

I find that it is much easier for the children to learn that relationships are disposable. I was the first one in my family to get a divorce. My wife instigated it but I came out on top. Her aunts whom she worshiped have both been divorced and are now living together (yes they are considered a bit twisted). She learned that relationships are not that important from them. During the divorce and the loss of her children, she got a clue that maybe she was wrong. Now I have two kids grown from that relationship that both have been divorced, I am sure that my grandchildren will also follow this trait. My divorce didn't just impact my kids but also one of my brothers. He saw how well I was doing after the divorce and filed himself. He is much happier, but due to my failure he is now divorced. That bites!

Answer 7

There R those that tend 2 repeat the same pattern as their parents. But I believe most of them, learn from their parents mistakes what not 2 do cuz they don't want 2 go thru it.

Answer 8

While you can carry some socialization's and traits from your parents, you aren't doomed to repeat them. My mother was a poor mother to me, had no clue how to nurture me and wasn't interested. I am nothing like her and I do a good job with my daughters. My folks are still married and I left my husband years ago. My mother is still complaining and I'm happy.

You can be the kind of parent you want if you want and if you find yourself repeating bad behaviors, you can get counseling. Its your life, you don't have to be a victim of it.

Answer 9

Look at the divorce statistics. The children are behaving like their parents, and the divorce rate has skyrocketed. They do not know how to maintain a long term relationship, and it is devastating to their families.

Answer 10

Statistically speaking, it's usually the second option. Kids of divorce grow up seeing divorce as the likely outcome of marriage. That doesn't mean all kids of divorce are doomed to get divorced themselves. It's just more likely.

Answer 11

i have learned from my parents mistakes. i will get married and have childrenn. but i will be older and established. i want to be able to give my children things theyy need and want (without spoiling too much). i love my parents and they did well for me and my brother and sister, but divorce is hard and has affected all three of us in different but serious ways.