How to deal with our angry 19 year old?

Question

Our son currently is a freshman at the junior college in our area. The plan we have arranged with him is that we would reimburse him for his college tuition based on his grades. (He paid the first semester on his own.) If he did well, he would have enough money to pay for his next semester and put some of it in the bank. (i.e. so much for an A, B, C - nothing for D's or F's.)
His best friends are also attending Jr. College and they hate it. All of their high school friends are now returning home for break and sharing what it's like to live away from home and party, etc.etc. None of them have to work. Their parents are paying for everything.
My son has worked since his freshman year during the spring, summer and fall at a local country club.
He has always had to purchase most of his wants, while we have supplied his needs. He feels angry and disappointed in us that we cannot send him away to university. How can we get through to him?
He's stuck in his anger.

Answer 1

I am 23. I worked from 14- not just summers, but daily for as many hours as i could. I bought my car, i bought my shoes because i wanted the sketchers and not the stuff from walmart. I went to JC, i got scholarships and paid for my books, i found a full time job, and when my mom got cancer i paid for all the bills and groceries and whatever i could. THen i transfered to a 4 year, i realized i save dlike 40k by going to JC- i got scholarships again and will finish my degree on my own, paying my own rent and bills.

Life is tough, your son is complaining and angry for no reason. He should say thankyou that he can live at home.

It is absolutley not your job even if you have the means to pay for everything for him. You worked your a** off for the things you have so why should you give up your adult life to better his with things he is not going to appreciate anyways ?

Once he makes a life for himself, as an adult he can spend his money how he wants.

You have a lot of things to think about, including retirement. Forking over all you have if you are middle income on your kids education is not right, and you are doing the right thing about thinking what future you will have when you are retired and concentrating on giving him what he needs.

Being jelous of other kids and comparing yourself to those more fortunate is never going to make anyone happy. Why doesnt he compare himself instead to the kids that can not even get an education or the ones that are homeless living in Africa in malaria ridden villages?

its so easy to just point a finger and not appreciate what parents already gave.

I think you dont need to deal with him. He needs to grow up and at 19 i hope it happesn soon already. Life is not fair, you want something better, get up and work for it.

Answer 2

I earned my master's degree in May 2007 and struggled financially during my undergrad and grad school. I got a hold of my financial status once I realize NOONE was giving me anything. I had to work at every single thing I earned and feel great as a result. Not while I was going through it, but as I evolved into a mature young adult, I see it.

My mom did not attend college so she fantasized what college was like but the reality it was nothing like she fantasized. I had to make all As and Bs to obtain scholarship and was told by my grandmother when I entered the 6th grade that I had to get good grades if I was going to college. Otherwise, I would be getting a job and fantasizing at junior college on what life at a college/university was really about.

Let your son be angry. Tell him to do his research and look up scholarships to pay for the university of his choice. If he want it that bad, he will obtain the necessary resources to get into the college of his choice. He need to be accountable for his own actions from 18 years on. He probably had a car in high school when some grown older men do not have a car and are catching the bus.

Attending a university is not all that, especially when everything is handed to you. You are not prepared for real world, if that is the case. He will at least know when he is in a bind, he will know how to problem solve with out asking mom and dad to bail him out. He got some nerve resenting you for not trying to live like the Joneses. My grandmother used to say that and I had no idea what it meant until I grew up and wanted things I could not afford.

Again, he need to stop acting like a spoiled brat knowing good and well you all never spoiled him. Tell him to think outside the box. Mommy and daddy led you up now fly birdie, fly!!!

Answer 3

I was pretty much in the same situation when I was in college. I worked during summer and winter vacations while my folks paid for tuition and books and the living arrangements.

Your son needs to be told the financial situation of your home so he better understands why you cannot support his living away from home and partying all the time. If he wants that, maybe he should work harder; work instead of going to school--you would have to set the rules since he is living in your home and is an adult already; or move in with his friends and be financially independent--NO help from home! IF He chooses to quit school, start asking him to pay rent as you would with someone living in your home who isn't family. His choice!!!

Answer 4

if possible do the old fashoin way and sit him down with monopoly money and show him how much you make then take away all the bills and show him whats left

or tell him to get all A's so he can afford a university j/k

thats good that he wants to go to a higher school
if he's into sports he can get a scholership

yes he'll be angry but like the other person said in the long run he'll thank you for it

and to his friends who dont have to work and thier parents pay for everything eventually thier parents will stop or not be there and they'll be skrewed and wish they were your son

ps whats his phone number--just kidding

Answer 5

I agree w/ Mark C. If he cannot deal with the financial hardships of college, then perhaps he needs to join the military and get their big nice college tuition program. He needs to know that nothing is free and your not made of money.

Answer 6

Having your parents pay for college is not a right. Tell him to grow up. There are a lot of kids whose parents do not help with college at all. He should be grateful.

Answer 7

Tell him to apply for college loans and grants. That's what I did and my parents didn't pay for anything but my books. I went to college 3000 miles away from home and I loved every minute of it.

Answer 8

I remember I was so spoiled even as a teenager. I was number 12 of 14 children. What I couldn't get from my parents, I got from one of my siblings. I never really had to want for much of anything until one day I had turned eighteen years old, and I pouted over something I felt my sister could and should GIVE to me. She gave in and gave me what I wanted but I wanted more. So she told me O.K. give me back that and I'll give you what you want. Like a fool, I gave back what she had given to me expecting more. I'm almost 50 years old now and until this day she hasn't given me squat. Not even what she promised to give me. But I have learned what your son needs to learn. TO APPRECIATE WHATEVER SOMEONE DOES FOR YOU AND THAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF...DO IT! At college age, you should realize nobody has to do anything for you. Not even parents and when you do find someone doing for you out of the goodness of their hearts...say thank you out of greatfulness from your heart.

Answer 9

You don't need to get through to him.

He's an adult. You're done raising him. You no longer have any obligations to him. If he wants to go to college badly enough he'll find a way.

Whatever you do, do NOT worry about "getting through" to him. That's his job now.

Answer 10

i would tell him that this will teach him responsibility, and that you, and his dad are not made of money, that he is an adult now. He may be angry for a while, but he will eventually get over it.