I am still angry with my mother from all the terrible things she did. How do i let go?

Question

It has been 11 years since my mother and I had tough times. She showed me absolutely no stability with her lifestyle and the way she treated me (silent treatment, telling me things like I would amount to nothing, kicking me out of the house well over 15 times for arguing back with her and I was not that bad of a teenager). We 'made up' quite some time ago and had what seemed to be a healthier relationship but I find myself getting so angry with her for the littlest things, ignoring her for weeks at a time because of something small she said or did. To be honest (and I know this is so mean) I can't really stand her. The thought of being around her for a long period of time repulses me. I have no idea why after so many years of us 'getting along' after the bad times I feel this way. How do I let it go and why do I feel this way?

PS - We have done sooo much therapy and counselling....

Answer 1

The best way to get over it is to talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel and why. Once you communicate your honest feelings and get it off your chest, you will feel much better about her. You can write it in a letter first if you want to gather your thoughts.

Answer 2

Maybe you should limit contact with her. Kind of like a break. I used to have similar problems about my family and I found that dwelling on the past made it worse. What you need is plans and goals, something to strive for and look forward to. If your concentrating on your future you dont have time to dwell on the past. But having her around too much will trigger the anger.
Sometimes counseling doesnt work because the counselor isnt very good. You might try some self help books on anger in mother daughter relationships. Also understanding how she came to be how she was can make you realize she had her own demons to battle. Not everyone knows how to be a parent and its not cuz they dont want to they just are ignorant.

Answer 3

I guess it depends on whether you really want to maintain a relationship with her or not. If you do, you just have to put it in your mind that the past is the past and let it go. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't let her know when she says something mean and/or hurtful.

Just because she is your mother, there is absolutely nothing saying you have to maintain a relationship with her. I wrote my mother off a few years ago and my life has generally been better since then. I know family is very important to many people. But I also know from personal experience that not every family is loving and supportive of one another.

Ultimately you have to decide what's wrong with you, but if she refused to change her ways, don't feel bad about shutting her out of your life.

Answer 4

While you have been getting along for years, you've never really resolved your original conflicts. Just because you act healthier in a relationship (which is commendable, btw) doesn't mean the old hurt and anger just vanishes. If she's got her act together now, then talk to her about it. If she doesn't have her act together, and you are just "getting along" as a way to move on... it may make sense to see a counselor a few times (this isn't a long term therapy thing, tho)

Answer 5

Try to come to the realization that it could have been A LOT worse and that you can't change what happened because it's in the past. Everyone's family is dysfunctional in one way, shape, or form even if it doesn't appear to be. Accept the things you cannot change and learn to live in the here and now. I recommend therapy / counseling leading into group sessions with your mom.

Answer 6

I am sorry you had to go through such a long period of being at odds with your mother. Some mothers just don't have good parenting skills. You're now an adult. Some day you may have children of your own. You have certainly learned what things NOT to do when you become a parent. Perhaps your mother did the best she could; perhaps she didn't, At any rate, you're on your own now and it's time to let it go; put it past you so you don't ruin your future. You need to forgive her for what she did and then forgive yourself for feeling the way you do. It's not for her, it's for you!
It might be a good idea to see her frequently for short period of times at least for awhile. Maybe you could just drop by to say "hi" and take her a slice of cake, Let her know you're busy but you just wanted to let her know you're thinking of her. See how that goes! Then maybe you'd feel up to taking her to lunch sometime. Maybe, just maybe, you could gradually begin to let go of the past. No one has a perfect childhood. No one's parents are perfect. No one is perfect. You just have to realize at some point that from now on, it's up to you to build a good life for yourself. Forgiveness is a part of that. Good luck.

Answer 7

I think now all that is left is that you and your mother become friends. You're your own person and grown up individual and play by the adult rules. Make it clear to your mom that her opinions are gobbligook and nothing else and that you'll not talk to her if she again becomes overbearing and to only talk to you when she herself settles down. Maybe she sees you as a kid and not an individual adult still because you get all worked up the same as you did when you were young.

Someone suggested getting a good councellor. If you're unable to work it out on your own, it may be high-time to get a professional to intervene and help establish your friendship with your mom.

Answer 8

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives. No one ever said you have to like your mother. It's not necessarily "mean" to feel bitter toward someone for making your life so difficult, it's pretty normal, in fact.

Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and they do a damn poor job of it; unfortunately, it doesn't stop them from becoming parents. Just be sure to do a better job with your own children if you have any!

Answer 9

you are in a very tough situation and i feel very bad for you. you say it's been 11yrs, apparently you still need more time. i had that feeling toward my day for many many years. he is now 72 and i am 52. it was only about 3 yrs. ago that i changed my feelings towards him for the better. i am so happy now that we get along . it will come to you too.

Answer 10

I think you both should talk about it. You dont have to go to theraoy unless you want to. If she never admits she was wrong then you dont really ever have to forget unkess its affecting your own life. I feel the same about my father, I wasin a similar situation.