My daughter is 12 and in 7th grade. On Christmas I plan to take her with me to my sister's house to celebrate Christmas. My daughter doesn't want to go. I asked her why a week ago and she said that she doesn't want to tell. I promise her that if she tells me I will help her and understand her. She told me that it is because I don't allow her to bring friends home afterschool when I am not home and she really wants to spend time with her friends afterschool. I made a rule since day 1 that I don't allow any friends in my home when I am not home even if I know them very well. She said that only if I allow her to bring friends home, she will go to her cousins house. I told her that I will not allow it and I want her to come with me on Christmas. She said that I lied and I promise her that I will understand her and I didn't. She said that she can't trust me anymore and now she is a complete loner with no one to trust. I don't want to get upset but I don't what to do. Any suggestions??
2007-12-22 03:37:10 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Sounds like you need to revise your house rules.
The problem with the kind of draconian parenting you are participating in is that children won't trust you and will simply learn to lie to you and do things behind your back. You have two choices. You can provide additional responsibility, taking it away only if it is abused. Or you can continue with your strict rules only to have your daughter lose trust with you and look to circumvent you.
It's a much better situation to give a little bit more freedom, create trust, and have open channels of communication.
What you appear to be doing is pushing your daughter away and not allowing her to grow. When she hits her teens, you are in for a horrible time.
2007-12-22 03:40:31 · answer #1 · answered by ZCT 7 · 1⤊ 4⤋
Yes! You can tell her that you listened & understood, however this wasn't a ultimatum with her winning the day. Your rule still stands! So, sorry... Life isn't always fair. Family comes first & she will be joining you for Christmas at her Aunt's home. This will be only the beginning if you allow her to over rule the house rules! Be the MOM here! There's a time & place for the friendship. However, your daughter doesn't make the rules, friends, holiday's or whatever... or does she? So, what if she is upset. Life is what it is! How about the compromise of having a New Years Eve Slumber Party..? Just don't back off of your house rules!
2007-12-22 03:45:33 · answer #2 · answered by T. 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I've never known a teenager who didn't go through this phase. They don't realise how much puberty affects the way they smell, the way their hair looks, etc. Instead of rewards, shouting, etc., have a quiet talk with her. Make up a story about someone you knew at school and how other kids were mean behind her back and you don't want that to happen to her, because you love her so much. Then try taking her and a friend out for a pampering treat - nothing fancy or too adult, but maybe ask her to choose some nice bath products. Also, you making an effort to collect her dirty underwear out of her room every night will be tiresome, but would solve one important problem - BO won't give her a vaginal infection, but dirty knickers will! Good luck - and remember, she will grow out of it!
2016-05-25 22:59:20 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't stoop to bartering and bargaining with your kids... you can't be their friend... only the parent/authority figure. You make the rules in the house.
The two issues... going to a Christmas celebration and letting unsupervised kids in the house are completely separate.
You should get a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door and use it to keep people out of your room. At least you could do that with one of your closets to make it into a safe. Store any liquor in the closet. Lock up any meds or jewelry items that might disappear. This is an excellent method that my parents have always done and still do.
Your daughter needs to understand that the reason you don't want strange kids in your house unsupervised is both her safety and the liability issue for you. You absolutely do not want her alone with any boys in the house. Tell her that she can go hang out at her friends' houses after school, but must be home by the time you get home.
2007-12-22 06:23:08 · answer #4 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A few things here:
1. You **do not** have to explain yourself. You are the parent. Once you start explaining your reasons for not allowing people over, the first thing any child will do is attempt to poke holes in your reasoning. Do not open this debate.
2. Keep focussed on the facts. Kids will think they are old enough, and mature enough, but until they are 18, if anything goes wrong it's your responsibility and it goes on your head. They don't care about this.
3. She is holding *your* wants hostage. She knows you want her to go, so is using this against you to get her way. Don't buy into it.
Fine, let her spend Christmas day home alone. "Never bargain with terrorists."
Which is what teens try to be, to us parents. :-)
Your daughter trusts you, she is playing the guilt card by trying to make you feel like she doesn't. They will say all sorts of things. But one day they grow up and *maybe* say thank you - and all the tough love was worth it. Stick to your guns mama!
2007-12-22 03:49:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your doing the right thing by not allowing friends over at that age. My mom worked long hours and I was always home alone and that was her rule. I would however know what time she would be home and have people over, and it wasn't ever a good thing. Because they knew no adult was there, they would go and get into alcohol, smoke, and prank call people. I however, being home bymyself alot, did not think it was cool or funny, and of course got caught when my mom came home early. She is still a child and your the parent, tell her she is going with you and that is final. She can either have fun or not, that is her choice, but that she is going with you. She is demanding to much of you and only telling you that she can not trust you because she knows that it hurts you. Our kids know how to push our buttons. Trust me, she will still tell you things, it may take some time, but I wouldn't budge on that rule. How come we didn't get a manual when our kids were born!!!! Good luck sista and stick to your guns, she will respect you more in the long run. God bless
2007-12-22 03:46:52 · answer #6 · answered by enochsangel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, now is the time to make her understand the reasons for no friends while she is at home alone. She is twelve, she does not think beyond her own personal bubble and her own wants and needs. Stand your ground and realize that some of these answers are coming from children with a childs reasoning. She is just saying those things to you for the guilt factor. If you are being a good parent, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is trying to blackmail you. If it were me, she would be going for Christmas. Also, as one of the poster has said, if something were to happen, it's on you not your child. But that is just me.
2007-12-22 03:53:19 · answer #7 · answered by ljhenry62 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I understand your rule. it sounds as if you are a single parent.
Although you don't want to give into manipulation... i think this is a different situation. The relationship between a parent and a child is all about the trust. Without it, you are leaving yourself open to trouble.
I think you should sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern. Then offer her one friend only while you are away. If you trust your daughter now and she has not given you reason not to.... then you shouldn't stop trusting her now.
From a girls point of view... it is so important to have that one friend to talk to. Best friends are everything and since she doesn't have a mother to come home to then she needs soemone.
I think you should come to an agreement. At least try and if it fails then you have a vlid reason not to trust her
2007-12-22 03:46:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i feel you and her must learn to trust each other i have learned thru life as a mother and as a child if u tell your kids not to do things and that will do it in spite as long as it wasnt any boys i see no problem
i would get to know her friends first and set some rules and there may be another reason she dont want to go i can only say give in to some of her needs but in return she must do the same
the teen years is when she needs you the most as a child i wasnt allowed to go to friends house and i wasnt allowed to have friends of different races. just to prove my family i could i married someone out of my race
i guess what i am saying you will need to trust her alittle more i know this from my heart and what i have learned from my children good luck and be there for her for you are what she needs right now
2007-12-22 03:59:01 · answer #9 · answered by wildthingmr64 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A mistake my mom once made with me, my mom once told me I could tell her anything. I told her about my first kiss and she treated me like a whore. My point is you can't expect your daughter to trust you when you're not showing some faith in her as well. As a mother of a young daughter I certainly know where you're coming from but atleast allow her one friend (best candidate would be one that of course you know the best, farmiliar with her parents that kind of thing) as a trial type thing and if it turns out to be a mistake then you can always work from there. After that, she'll have no one to blame but herself. If she's given you no reason not to trust her then give her the benefit of the doubt and give her a chance. Hope that it works out for you!!
2007-12-22 03:47:59 · answer #10 · answered by Jamie J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point shes 12 and friends are her life. I admire your rules that no friends if your not home; you just need to say that the family is going and shes part of that family and shes going. Thats that. She may be upset. But i'd rather be safe than sorry, what if she doesn't want to go bc her friends are coming over. God knows what they'll be doing. Not saying that all kids are bad, but boy have they changed since i was 12. It seems that kids today are 12 going on 30. Good luck <3
2007-12-22 03:41:22 · answer #11 · answered by SiCnGaged 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋