This is my other poem. What do you think?

Question

With you gone, I write to you
Every minute of the day
I write so many lines for you
In my mind a whole book’s waiting
For you to return and read

If only I could put down
At least a few lines
I’ve written in my mind
For you to see and read out loud

If only I could turn the pages
Of my heart and mind
And put down, word by word
For you to see and feel
For you to touch my heart
And understand the way I feel

If only I could myself to you reveal

Answer 1

The poem is okay, but I think you could make it better by editing it so it was a little more concise and to the point. You're basically saying that you are constantly writing mental poetry about someone who will return and you wish that you could put at least part of it down on paper for them to see and read out loud. I believe you can say all that in fewer words...even indirectly. The last line sounds off for a number of reasons...one, it sounds contrived to rhyme with "feel", and two, because of the way it sounds, it sounds worse because the poem was in unrhymed verse. There is nothing wrong with ending an unrhyme poem with a couplet, but if you're going to do it, it needs to sound natural. Don't worry, it's a common error and easily corrected...just edit it.

You have a good heart and an obvious desire to write, so keep writing :)

Answer 2

This is a reply to your poem.

I'll return soon at last,
for not being with you, alas,
Your words turns a steak mellow,
My beats represent the wine,
Only red, they're out of yellow.

We're already on the same page,
you dont have to turn.
Wait, after our steak and wine,
We got calories to burn.
You might not feel me, It's okay,
Let me touch your heart and show you that the Love's always.

Answer 3

Excellent comment there Trevor. What a man. I read the poem, it was just fine. Not to bad.

I do like the comment what do you think about his comment?

Answer 4

hi
your poem's really good. just a teeny little thing- you seem to be repeating things try to be more precise but that doesn't necessarily mean shorten your poem. but the meaning of your poem is quite clear and beautiful. i liked it.

!!!merry xmas!!!

Answer 5

Its beautiful

Answer 6

I like it =]
I like the poem...

Answer 7

lovely, i must say