Should a Single woman continue to be friends with a married man?

Question

Here is my situation. There's a an apparent old friend of my husband's e-mailing my husband every 3 days or so. He says they are only friends and have not talked in 10 years until now. I have never heard a mention of her in the 6 years we have been together. He has visited her recently and will not show me anything they e-mail eachother in an apparent attempt to protect me from taking things the wrong way. She's apparently a very "friendly" person he states. He is hell bent on keeping her as his friend. He has told her I feel threatened by her, which I do. I have voiced how I feel to this woman about the situation and how it makes me feel uncomfortable. Her answer to me is too bad I'm gonna continue being friends with him. How should I react to this situation? What should I do. It creates many arguements between my husband and I. I should add that they dated for a short period of time, and broke up due to her cheating on him and getting pregnant. I feel like I'm losing my marriage. :(

Answer 1

Make it clear that if he wants to keep her as a friend and keep the marriage then he needs to be open with it and show you what they're writing to each other.
If there is nothing going on he should have absolutely no problem allowing you to see what is said back and forth. Also, he needs to respect the boundaries and her as well to make sure neither of them make comments that cross the line.

Answer 2

My opinion:

Here's what I'd do:

Your husband is so wrong!

Go to cheaters.com and get the cheater checker installed in his computer in the stealth mode. It's around $49.95. Then you can see all his email, IM, chat, and any porn websites he may visit.

This will help you know if anything inappropriate is going on or not and you can print it all out as proof (put it away for your divorce attorney should you need one).

Read Divorce Busting. It is solution oriented.

Learn all you can about this woman - where she lives and works, who her friends are and her church, parents, etc.

Back off for a bit and see what the cheater checker picks up. He may hang himself more and more everyday. Go get your hair and nails done so you can feel pretty no matter what he does.

Read Divorce Busting because it tells how to confront them. He is soon going to have to make a choice after you read the book.

This is the hard part:

You have competition and you are going to have to be nicer, prettier, kinder, and more charming than her in his eyes.

Until you are ready to confront, cook his favorite foods, have a clean house, and play relaxing, classical music when he gets home from work.

With the cheater checker printouts as proof (make lots of copies for yourself, your attorney, her boss, his mother, etc.) you can then advise your minister and his mother and her parents and minister - this will apply social pressure on them both.

Meantime you just act wonderful because you want him back and pretty soon he'll have been chatting with her long enough to start remembering her faults and when she starts nagging him to leave you, you will look better than her.

Oh, and, watch your money, that it doesn't disappear.

Good luck, dear.

Joy to you!

Answer 3

My opinion is trust your insticts, this doesnt sound good and it probably seems that although your husband might have the best intentions SHE on the other hand might not. It seems like she has issues given the way they broke up earlier on. If she all of a sudden came into the picture then it looks like she's going through something and will try to intice your husband into doing something that may destroy your relationship. Talk to him, save your marriage. To get to the point: he might not be doing anything wrong but she might tempt him to cheat on you.

By the way, my boyfriend read this too and he says the folliwng: She's is a whore, and that your bad feelings are your "whoredar" going crazy.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

That's really shitty of your husband, he should care more about you and your feelings then being "friends" with some ex that cheated on him! I wouldn't trust her or him to be honest, it sounds like there is something going on if he cant simply not talk to her. Maybe you should let him know that if he doesn't care about your marriage enough to stop doing something that hurts you then maybe he should just go. I really wouldn't stand for my husband talking to another woman all the time like that especially if he knew I had a problem with it. Good luck!

Answer 5

Tell your friend that she has to spend time with her husband more often bec shes always out. Tell her husband that he has to spend more time with his wife and less with his friends. Whos more important his relationship with those single girls or his own wife? He got married therefore, he took that responsibility with his wife and not with his friends. Tell your friend that both of them spend time together because maybe as of now her husband is loyal but the more he spends time with single girls and less with his wife he might realize that he doesnt want to stay married anymore because his surrounding is not family oriented meaning all single girls having the freedom, he might want to have the freedom also. Since they are all single girls, he's prone to temptation. BUt he's married therefore, he has responsibility.. He's passed that single stage. He took the vow to be a good and loving husband. If the wife doesnt feel comfortable and hurts her feeling about her husband hanging out with single girlfriends then, he should respect her and consider how she feel.. He should limit hanging out w his friends. It doesnt mean never to hang out just limit it... Compromise.. thats how marriage works.. If husband dont like the idea then he should have never got married in the first place...

Answer 6

That would be irritating, just her lack of respect for you should be a red flag. It means she is being empowered by your husband's encouragement. The thing that is worrying, is that he won't show you the emails, so I imagine that they are provocative in nature... just the fact that he had had sex with her before is also a concern, as it will be easier for them to slip back into that mode. I would definitely tell him it has to stop or your marriage might be over. It will be interesting to see his response to this, as he will feel the pressure to decide and if he doesn't choose to dump her, then you will know where you truly stand. And even if the truth is hard to bear... at least you will know.

Answer 7

If he wants to continue this charade, then you go get a friend, or make one up just to see how he likes it. If its good enough for him then, you can fill in the rest. For the record I am a very good wife, I will do anything for my husband, but, if he steps over the line of respect, we have a problem, and his life would be like hell fire until he fixed the problem. Get my point?

Answer 8

You're probably not losing your marriage because your husband is emailing this gal. He married you for a reason, right? Unless he's been abusive or you have caught him in some lie or he's given you some other reason to cause you to think he's cheating, you're probably over- reacting.

I am not married, but I have plenty of women friends who I email. We talk about our relationships, old friends who have moved away, politics, and life in general. Yep, most of these are women whom I have dated and slept with. I also have no intention of sleeping with them again.

Another thing to consider is that when you get jealous about these things, it makes him feel like he's not trusted or valued as a partner. I would have to reconsider my position in the marriage after a while of this behavior. I would have to ask myself if the person I married really respects me if she treats me that way.

Final thought: What is making you feel so insecure? Some people know what buttons cause them to feel insecure in a relationship; others are oblivious and remain so while they go on mindlessly reacting to stimuli, being miserable about it, and never knowing why. You might want to see a counselor to find out where your insecurity comes from and address it there.

I say all this because I knew a lady who was in a similar (but opposite) situation in her marriage. Her husband was jealous whenever she got calls from male co-workers, when she seemed pleased to talk to male friends, or when she went out of town on business. She put up with this behavior for years. Finally she decided that if she was going to be suspected of cheating in her marriage and there was nothing she could do to change her husband's opinion of her, she would just get it over with. She "hooked up" with someone on a business trip. She felt terrible about it afterward and knew she had made a terrible mistake. The damage had been done though. She vowed not to do it again (and as far as I know hasn't), but she has to live with her reaction to her husband's jealousy problem. I'm not saying that your husband will eventually cheat if you don't deal with your insecurity and jealousy. I am saying that unless and until he gives you solid evidence to be worried, give him the benefit of the doubt. He will see you as strong and secure and this will make you more attractive to him and make him feel more secure in your relationship.

Answer 9

Be careful.. very careful and watch out for this new-found relationship...
Ask him what his position would be if u were to be in touch with an ex of urs... emailing constantly and not allowing him to have a say in the situation... ask what he would feel... good luck honey

Answer 10

i would simply tell my husband that if he has nothing to hide then why try to hide it? a marriage is built off of trust, loyalty, and HONESTY. if you add all these together they spell RESPECT. i have a saying that i got from Little black book and i think it's very true:

"You shouldn't have to tell me everything, But why wouldn't you want to?"

If you truly are IN love with someone you should want to tell them everything. OMISSIONS are BETRAYAL!!