What does one need to consider when marrying a woman with an 8 year old girl?

Question

I am 35. She is 36. I have never been married, but I am falling in love with this woman. She was married for 3 years and divorced for the past 6 years. She had her child at 28. Frankly, I have never thought that I would even consider marrying someone who was previously married, let alone had a child. All that having been said, I am truly beginning to feel that this is the person for me. She is beautiful inside and out. More than anything else, I feel that the two of us are compatible. Question is: Are our lives compatible? At this point, there are a few major questions I need help with 1) How do I explain this to my family/parents without the drama that will inevitably bring on? I am Asian and in my culture marriage is about blending families. I am very successful and always have been since youth. My parents will likely see this as a very bad decision 2) What do I need to consider that I have not yet thought of or don't have the ability to think of? Thank you

Answer 1

first of all, would it be you who marries her, or your parents? seriously, at your age, you ought to know that your decisions are for YOUR life.

secondly, just realize that the child has a father. whether or not that man is in the child's life does not negate his existence. because there is a young child, you will have to come to terms that you may very often come second to this woman. and she may often come to her child's defense in regards to you. these aren't necessarily bad things, but they are reality. respect the fact that this woman had a life before your existence was ever known to her. and in that life was another man who fathered her child.

don't kid yourself into thinking that love will conquer all. blending families can be one of the most difficult things to do. and often times, does not work anywhere close to what you were anticipating. stay grounded in reality, take it day by day. marriage is a huge adjustment in and of itself. adding kids into the mix, regardless of whose kids they are, is a whole other reality on top of it. i wish you the best of luck for your future.

Answer 2

Why do you have to explain to your family and parents? If you want to be with her that is all that matters. Do not take any drama from any of them. You are a grown man and need to make your own decisions. The only consideration that I can think of is can you love and raise her little girl like she were yours? If you cannot, do not marry her. If you can then do it and make them both very happy. Do not let anyone make her feel bad about being married before or having a child already. Especially do not let anyone take it out on her daughter. She did not ask for any of this. She is a victim of circumstance. If the two of you are compatible then your life should be. Good luck.

Answer 3

Your Avatar is rather misleading...or you are.

Your first and foremost concern has to be with how this affects the child. Even though she is not yours, you still have to take her feelings into account. 8 years old, she pretty much has her personality already, but is still very fragile.

So far it sounds as though you are only concerned about the consequences this will bring upon you. How about thinking about the effects on the child.

Assuming you do love this woman and have a good relationship with the child....You don't need to answer to your parents. You are 35, you have free will, you make your own decisions period. They should be asking how they should deal with it, if they have a problem.

Please consider the Child's feelings. You may love her mother deeply, but if you have any doubt about your ability to step into a father role for the little girl, it may be best to step aside.

Hope it works out.

Answer 4

Well when it comes to real love, do as your heart says. It's no biggie that was was married, or even that she has a daughter. If you are sure that you really love her, then have a sit down with your parents and explain everything to them. Also, before you make any big decision have them meet her as well. Marrying a woman with a past and a child shouldn't really change the way you feel. Even though you will be part of that child's life, you're not really responsible for it. She still has a mother and a father, whom apparently aren't together anymore but that doens't mean they are out of her life! Don't assume that she will be your responsibility, unless of course you want her to be.

Goodluck and I'm sure this will work out if you approach it the right way, and being that your family is that way, slowly too!

Answer 5

Parents do get upset. They will always. They think of religion, keeping the bloodline, and the stature and culture of the other family that you are marrying to. You know you are not only marrying her you are bringing her Mother, Aunts, Sisters, and Brothers into your family. My suggestion is to have the families get together to get to know each other and like each other.

Parents also see a previous failed marriage as she is damaged goods. That it was her that was the issue. ( because they will try to find fault). They need to know the reasons why they got divorced no matter how personal.

I think you will do just find, just remember the respect aspect of everyone involved. I know it is stressful. Good luck

Answer 6

As long as you are happy, your family should be happy for you. Bring her home and let them get to know her. If she is so beautiful inside out as you say, your family will love her. You will instantly become a dad but a kid should not be in a way of your happiness. I hope you love a kid as much as you love her mom because it is important to have a good relationship with both of them.

It shouldn't matter whether you are Asian or Caucasian, if you guys are happy. You are not marrying her nationality but a person. But don't forget one thing. A child will always be number one for her and you cannot ever make her choose.

Answer 7

if you love this woman, then what is stopping you? Are you okay with her her child? Your parents/family should just be happy that you found someone that you could spend the rest of your life with. As long as you both are happy and love each other.
Also, her child is part of the package so are you okay with that? If you are then okay, but if your not, then you need to reconsider. Trust your feelings and it may be a wonderful life for you two. Good luck!

Answer 8

Your parents do not agree and I do not recommend it.

Well, probably the worst you are in for is that her real father will most like have visitation privleges and possibly shared custody. She will be talking to her former husband regarding school, discipline, music lessons, recitals, medical, dental, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, vacation, the former in-laws visiting their grandchild, family weddings, graduations, funerals, etc.

If you want things to go your way, then this is not for you.

You should not discipline or correct the girl, let her parents do it - it is their job.

Often children do not want step-parents - they want their real Dad.

I never recommend people with children get divorced and I don't recommend people marry divorced people with children because of the above.

Joy to you!

Answer 9

When I married my second husband my daughter was 8...
She did not like him...
She was always a good child.
But one day she bit him very hard,
almost bit his finger off...
While I was reading your question I had to laugh...brought back old memories.
So don't turn your back on a 8 year old lol.

Answer 10

Never put yourself in a situation alone with her child. You don't have to be a pedophile, all you need to be is accused. Always stay around witnesses.