Would you mind critquing this?

Question

I recently just wrote something, trying to find my voice in writing. Sadly, it is not the genre I want to write, but it is something that I just came up with and I want to know how I can improve my writing and what you suggest? I really want to write better!

(Will continue with story in the following posts.)

Claire stared blankly out of her window onto the sparkling snow, her eyes seeming unfocused and distant. It was four days before Christmas and she hadn’t bought her sister anything yet. The ideas were endless, yet the possibilities were minute. She could think of many gifts for herself, but she wasn’t shopping for herself. A gift card or cash would be appreciated by anyone, but that wasn’t special or well thought out. When someone receives a Wal-Mart gift card, the thought of how time consuming and great the thought was doesn’t pass their minds. Usually its “what could I purchase at Wal-Mart? Cheap earrings?”
With an unsatisfied sigh, she turned from the window and back to her desk, accidentally spilling a few papers from her newly written novel that she had started for the tenth time.
“That’s it!” Claire cried as she gathered the papers hastily and threw them back, tears streaming down her face. Lately, she hadn’t been doing too well on her writing. Everything seemed either forced

or blocked for her, giving her the voice of Terry Brooks gone wrong in the editing department. Actually, she never thought she had a voice. A thought that had been pushed aside for so many days resurfaced in her mind. Why did she even bother to write if she never got any better? None of her English teachers said anything about writing to her, they always commented on her drawings and pestered her about drawing more. She had tried to tell them that she couldn’t draw anything else but horses, but they dragged her into an artist’s world. It was just her luck to be stuck in a class of literacy prodigies that seemed like they were born to write and lacked the hand for drawing, which made Claire a target for praise in that area. This year was different though. All of her classmates that she had had for many years in the past were all in the same class, one other than her’s. Maybe this time she’d get the attention she wanted.
Who was she kidding, though? No one wanted to read her horrid

writing. She was only fooling herself and wasting her time. Trying to hold back the tears that were forming in her eyes, Claire shoved the unfinished manuscript in a draw and slammed it shut, her face flushing red. She had better get back to brainstorming gifts for her sister, her other problem that she was dreading to face. Searching for a scratch piece of paper and a pen that still had ink, Claire whispered aloud some ideas.
“Maybe that new book by Jim Kramer would suit her needs, though I am not sure she has finished the last one she purchased. Oh, what about a piano book? She loves to play the piano and she is getting a new one soon, but I don’t know what level she plays at! And she has millions of shoes!” Finally she found a pen that worked and some blank paper and began jotting down ideas that all ended up with uncertainties. Everything seemed to be going the opposite of what she wanted this year, even to the point of where it didn’t feel like Christmas, which left her

ill-tempered. Why couldn’t she just learn to write and find something excellent for her sister? It wasn’t that hard, and yet it seemed like a large wall that she just couldn’t scale. It was looming about her and taunting her every chance it got.

(finished)

Answer 1

I must disagree about more detail. An editor would take half of the detail out and tell you it was cluttered and confusing. You create several little backstories here like the drawing horses and the novel, but you jump around from topic to topic without properly separating them. Maybe that's because we don't need some of them. For instance, unless the subject is going to come up again later, I'm not all that sure the drawing is necessary. And if it is going to come up later, then it is a weak reference.

I know you are struggling to find your voice and exercises like this are a great way to work at it, but if you were in one of my classes, I would send it back to you and ask you to put it aside for a while and outline. In this case, I think an outline would help you organize your thoughts and offer you a way to decide which points in the story to emphasize and which points in the story are unnecessary. I would also request a full character study of the narrator. You are throwing in facts about "her" here and there and a character study would be another way to determine importance.

With this kind of story, there is always the urge to move into the world of purple prose and over-emotion. It can very easily end up being another Gift of the Magi. Not that Gift of the Magi wasn't a wonderful story - in fact I consider it probably the most perfect short story ever written - but I have seen probably a couple hundred attempts at imitating it and none even come close. All they end up sounding like is weepy emo pieces. And I would go easy on the eyes flooding with tears stuff. Way over the top. Nobody wants a weepy holiday story. The Gift of the Magi was amazingly able to avoid being a weepy holiday story - part of the genius of O Henry.

And no, I don't believe you have found your voice yet. If I asked you to sit down in front of my fireplace in my library on my burgundy leather sofa and tell me with story over a cup of the best chocolate/creme brulee cocoa on earth, it would NOT sound like this. Write like you would speak. That is the way to find your voice. It took me several genres to find mine. And I finally found it in murder mysteries. But now I am writing a totally different genre book, and learning that I can apply my voice to other genres. You will too, once you find it.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.

Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

Pax - C

Answer 2

Linz, you've written an excellent portrayal of your predicament in writing. Some of the areas I'd suggest for you are:

1. Review your punctuation use. A new rule requires a comma right before the ending question mark or exclamation point when a participial phrase, a dependent clause, or a long independent clause follows as in a tag.
Example: “That’s it!,” Claire cried as she gathered the papers hastily and threw them back, tears streaming down her face. (Notice the comma I inserted immediately after the exclamation point in the dialogue.) Also, avoid using adverbs--hastily--in your tags. They slow down any action that you want to depict.

2. Understanding the limited space, make sure your new paragraphs are easily shown.

3. Get a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. This is an invaluable aid for the novice and professional writer alike.

4. Your short story could use more tenseness to keep the reader glued. The story is of yourself, but that does not preclude you from going onto a different pathway to bring action to the reader.

5. Cut away any fat and repetitious phrasings.

Answer 3

I must disagree about more detail. An editor would take half of the detail out and tell you it was cluttered and confusing. You create several little backstories here like the drawing horses and the novel, but you jump around from topic to topic without properly separating them. Maybe that's because we don't need some of them. For instance, unless the subject is going to come up again later, I'm not all that sure the drawing is necessary. And if it is going to come up later, then it is a weak reference.

Answer 4

Hey Linz!

The story is quite interesting. I would suggest that you look into the details a little more. That makes your story interesting.

Your writing style is no doubt good. I write novels myself. I follow the following before i write any novel :

#1
Read a novel of the similar genre just to see how certain things are expressed, so that you know in what mood to put your words for a particular genre - though it is the writer's choice completely!

#2
10 Tips :

Get Started

Write a Catchy First Paragraph

Develop Your Characters

Choose a Point of View

Write Meaningful Dialogue

Use Setting and Context

Set up the Plot

Create Conflict and Tension

Build to a Crisis or a Climax

Find a Resolution

#3
If you are thinking about becoming the next Ernest Hemingway? Or Dan Brown? All it takes is a little practice!

Write down ideas for your writing, subtitles, or even topic. (It's best to do all of this unless you're given a topic!)
Narrow down your list to important facts and details so you have your set planned.
Write an outline.
By now you should have basically your whole story planned. If not: make an additional outline, edit your work, add some brainstorm ideas, or make an idea web.
You're now ready to start your "sloppy copy," otherwise known as your first draft! Begin by writing down an essay-looking model from which to work.
Revise your work with another color.
Edit! Look in the dictionary to check your spelling and look in the thesaurus to vary your word choices and make your written voice more interesting.
Read your new draft aloud to anyone and accept any feedback. Doing this aloud will just let you know whether it needs some work. If you got ahead of yourself and forgot letters or punctuation, you will immediately realize it. Add any changes in a third color.
Do your second draft. Do not skip lines. Write in "essay form."
If you are happy with the essay now, you can turn it in for credit/publishing, after editing for spelling and grammar. If you're not, do steps 6, 7, and 8 again.

#4
Some more Tips:

Make a mnemonic device to help you remember things you often forget.

Similes and metaphors are fun to use!

Read books, newspapers, and magazines to help you find interesting facts you could use in your writing.

The info sources are for finding info about a "knowledge essay".

Teachers admire people who work hard instead of racing to finish the essay at the last minute.

If you are going to use a computer, write out your story or essay by hand first, then type it on a computer. This is because when you go into a writing exam, you will be used to writing with your hand, plus it improves penmanship. It also encourages very different ways of thinking; computers can tend to make work look more "finished" or "official" than it really is.

Use complete words and sentences. An essay or story is not a chatroom.

Good writers read a lot. Read all the time, magazines, novels, the paper, anything.

Reading a wide range of material increases your vocabulary and gives you a sense of what you're trying to achieve .

Just have fun while writing. Writing shouldn't be torture, it is only an art.

#5
Warnings!!!

Be careful to stay on topic. If you are writing about something important, you may find that your main message becomes buried under trivial stuff. This makes editing particularly important. Depending on your topic and form of writing, you may find it helpful to include subtitles. Subtitles may keep you focused and may help readers skip material that they do not necessarily need to read. If you have a habit of going off topic, look at each paragraph. Does the paragraph contain just one main idea? You may have information that is irrelevant or belongs somewhere else in the paper. Also be sure to use transition words. Adverbs such as “however,” “therefore,” and “finally” can make your writing easier to follow and more pleasing to the ear.

Be sure that your writing is well organized! Poorly organized writing may not read well and may even confuse your readers. As you go from paragraph to paragraph, check for cohesion. Try to put your paragraphs into some kind of logical order. Oftentimes, you will do well to save the best for last. In a persuasive essay, try to save your best argument for last. In a feature article, save the most interesting information for the end (or the beginning).

Writing takes patience

Use synonyms with care. There is no quicker way to sound ignorant than to use a word as the wrong part of speech or in the wrong context. Always look up words in the dictionary and make sure you understand their meaning before using them. Also consider connotations of words and know the importance of good word choice.

Do not plagiarize! Realize that your references are very important in essays. They even lend credibility to your research. If you are writing something for a writing class, you may want to ask your teacher how to cite your references because there are many different styles. Be careful how you use words and phrases from the original text. You may need to use quotation marks around certain words that you borrow from the original, depending on how common the words are.

#6
Things you will need

A dictionary

A thesaurus

Lots of paper - legal pads (long-sized & yellow color) work well

Pens (in various colors)

An encyclopedia

Info sources

A writer's guide (optional)

A writing workbook for practice (optional)

A computer (for the final draft)

Reading material (optional)



Hope these helped you!

Merry Christmas and happy writing!!!!
I have starred your question coz the writing is really good!

:)

Answer 5

It didn't really get my attention , I had to 'force' myself to read it and then gave up. Sorry for sounding harsh.

You just need an Idea

you said so yourself you just need to find your voice.

Have you read "The Power of One" by Bryce Courtney , I highly recommend it , its one of those novels that you cant put down , it might inspire you , because it certainly inspired me!

good luck!