Will they ever get along, or do I have to choose?

Question

straight to the point , my little brother & husband can't get along for nothing& I am sick of it already, I been with my husband for 9 ys and married only for a couple of mo , it bothers me that he doesn't get along with my 17 year old brother who lives with since the passing of my grandmother in june ,prior to that they always fought , my brother hate him for no reason ,he always disrespectful no matter how nice my hubby tries to be. My husband want to kick him out because he gets violent&uses bad language around our 5yr old, I know it not healthy &if he had someplace else to go I would , but I can't we lost alot of our family members , Mother & father 7 years ago & brother ,I feel as through I am all he has. even though sometimes he doesn't appreciate it.I love him to death , and the stress is becoming to much. I have alot to deal with , I am 9 mos pregnant and I can't take it anymore help.I don't know what to, My husband says he's moving out ,I don't want to lose either of them

Answer 1

It sounds like both your husband and brother have gotten very positional. They've made a decision about each other and now just want to be right about what they think.

Here's the problem any time someone makes a decision about something or someone then wants to be right about their decision (and gather all the evidence they can to support what they think) then they are at "GAME OVER" in that area. Nothing else is possible if you operate from what you think is reality. In this case, both your husband and brother think the other is a jerk. Right? But I pretty certain there are people out there that think your husband is a great guy and other people that think your brother is a great guy. So what makes your husband or brother opinion the right one? Nothing, other than they want to think they're right (its human nature), and there's nothing wrong with that other that is doesn't accomplish anything except them getting to be right.

So what do you do about that? First of all you have to understand that ultimately both you husband and brother have to take responsibility that they've caused this mess. They have to somehow see, acknowledge, and own up to what they've done.

The benefits they get from this behavior are as follows:
1) they get to be right AND make the other wrong. As shallow as this may sound "being right" runs human beings.
2) they get to control/dominate and at the same time avoid being controlled/dominated by the other
3) they get to validate themselves and their opinions and invalidate the others
4) and finally they get to avoid being responsible for who they have been and blame the other thus avoiding ALL responsibility. (its the my **** dont stink syndrome)

If you don't believe this is what they get from their behavior, ask them why they cant simply apologize to the other. Every response you get from them with point to one or more of the reasons above...

Ok now the other half of the equation is you never get a benefit without a cost. And what neither of them do is look or get present to what costs the pay to get the above benefits. Only they can fully distinguish what its costing them but some general costs are love, affinity, happiness, peace, satisfaction, joy, your marriage/relationship with brother, etc etc. And not just the cost to themselves but the cost on others as well.

So to answer your question "what to do?" The only thing you can do is point out the above have them really be really honest and straight about the benefit and costs. Have them hopefully see that in situations like this the cost ALWAYS heavily outweighs the benefits, and then hopefully they will own up to and be responsible for the fact that they've done this. And hopefully they will realize the cost they pay to simply get "to be right" is far too great a price to pay.

And ultimately get the two of them to talk to each other owning up to all that, and then create something that they are committed to that will give a life worth living.

But what you should ultimately remember you cannot change or force them to be a certain way. It has to come from them.

Good luck,

Answer 2

Your brother has lost way too much for someone his age. He hasn't dealt with all the grief. He is lost... This boy needs to have his much needed melt down so that he can pick himself up & start a new. If you do not allow him this, he will continue to rebel & act out. Talk to your husband about this... As it truly has come to a head & needs to be handled accordingly. This isn't about the 2 of you... Get this boy some counseling if you cannot find it in your heart to open up the flood gates that are pushing you all to the edge. A family is a blessing not a burden. Do not make this into obligation. Too many families are like that anymore, they have forgotten what real love is.

Answer 3

Is your husband trying to be his father, or his friend. Your brother had a dad, unfortunately he passed away. I think your husband needs to understand the difficulties your brother is going thru. He needs a healthy man figure in his life, but maybe your husband needs to be a friend, and not a dad. They need to go do guy things together, and your husband needs to be like a big brother. I know that the house is yours and your husband, and your brother is not respecting that now, but give him sometime to adjust to the new relationship between him and your husband. and plead with your husband to try just being his friend, and not always fighting with him. I know that he is 17 and everyone thinks he should be grown. But he is still just a kid. Sounds like he has lost everything but you. Don't walk out on him too. I can't imagine what would happen to him then. Don't kick him out, try again. Talk to your husband, maybe see a councilor together, get some parenting advise from someone local. Just don't give up one him. I guarantee, that he is pushing only because he is afraid you are going to leave too!!!

Answer 4

Sounds like your brother is rebelling and is angry from all the chaos in his life. I'm sorry for all your losses. But that doesn't mean that you have to be your brother's doormat. Your husband needs to be an adult and not be nice to him. He will never get any respect from your brother that way. He is violent and curses? WHAT??? You need to tell him that this is your family, your house and there are to be rules. You don't need your 5 year old growing up hearing those things and seeing violent behavior. This is only going to cause more problems for you in the future with your own son. Tell him to shape up or ship out. I think that may be the only way to get through to him.

Answer 5

You need to tell your brother that his actions are unaceptable and he has to make a choice. He can not act that way in your house. He can not disrespect your husband. He is the guest not your husband. Your husband is supposed to be with you forever. Your brother is just a visitor until he is 18 ( I can't see your husband giving him any longer than that). Your brother will mellow out with time. He is just goingf through a lot with the losses of family. However he can't act that way and stay with you. I say stand by your man

Answer 6

I have an ex wife with 3 brothers who are always in and out of jail. Whent they got out, they would stay with us. Then they would steal from me and bring bad things into my house. I hate her whole family and at this point her too. You better choose your new family or you WILL lose it. It is not your responsibility to care for your brother even though there have been hard times for you and him. Another point is at the age of 17, he is like lots of kids and will grow out of the "I'm a bad ***" stage in a couple years. When he is 18 kick him out. Make this deal with your husband right now.

Answer 7

If you know it is not healthy why continue. Want your 5 year old to act like him? You are not helping your 17 year old brother, he is d@#@ near a man. The best thing you will ever do for him is give him a reality check and let him know his behavior is not acceptable and if he continues to conduct himself in this manner you want him to move out. It is called tough love. He's your brother, you're not going to lose him.

Answer 8

your marriage comes first.

sounds like a rebellious, rude 17yr old -- he should be more respectful and grateful that you open and offer your home to him b/c you don't have to. you deserve better, your 5yr old, your husband and specially YOU at this time deserve a relaxing environment. this is not healthy for you, and your brother should support that. sounds like he walks all over everybody at your house and you shouldn't put up with it anymore.

give your brother an ultimatum, fix his behaviour in 1 week or he should find a place to live. and support himself. and this should be permanent behaviour.

sorry your home (marriage and children) come first. then everyone else. doesn't matter who.

Answer 9

Your husband and child should come first, try to explain to your brother the situation that you are in and tell him anyone who wants to live in your home must be civil and respectful and that he will have to change his ways if he wants to stay in your home. If he can't do this it's up to you to change the situation by talking it over with the remainder of your family.

Answer 10

Your a mother now so your husband and child is always your first priority. If you are his legal gardian, just wait till he turns 18 and kick him out if he doesn't shape up. If you can't wait, give him to the state. You must be strong to protect your marriage and children.