how do i forgive my spouse for cheating? and how do i stop thinking about it?

Question

please only give me serious and helpful answers. dont try to change my mind as i have made the decision to stay with my husband and try to forgive him. heres what happened - he had a 4 month long affair with a coworker who thought we were divorced. he acted like all was fine with the two of us. he would tell me he was working late some nights. and then he would say he was out of town for work and actually live with her in her apartment! he did not come clean to me, nor did he break things off with her. what happened was, her roommate's friend used to work with me a while ago. when the friend (my ex-coworker) called my boss to chit chat she mentioned, "how is danielle doing since her divorce?" and my boss answered "danielle did not get divorced." when i found out i confronted my husband in front of his girlfriend and forced him to choose. that's how it happened. all i want to know is how can i stop picturing them together? how can i forgive him? how can i regain my confidence in myself?

someone asked how long i've known my husband and how long we've been married. i've known him for 12 years, we met in school but never started a relationship until after graduating. we got married in 2005. and he says he started the relationship with the other woman the day he met her.

Answer 1

I hope everyone who is giving advice here knows what they are talking about, ie has walked in her shoes.(I have)
It takes courage to stay!!!!
Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting, not so easy.
We did counseling and it really did help. We did rediscover each other and things that may have lead to what happened.
YOU are not at fault in any way.
He has to be willing to help you through this, go the extra mile to help you trust him again. Call you from work, when he gets to work, while he is there touch base with you. Whatever it takes to help you.
And yes you can't bring it up and throw it in his face. You decided to stay, but you can't punish him every second.
I am assuming he truly is sorry and really wants to work it out.
Not only telling you that but SHOWING you that.
My husband does all of this. Our marriage has never been so good, I am sure we will hit hard times again as all marriages do, do I think he will cheat again, no. Do I believe once a cheater always a cheater, no.
He truly is busting butt to make me happy.
Our battle is him thinking I am going to do it as a payback, and him not forgiving himself.

When I find myself thinking about things I shouldn't, I fight to think about where we are at right NOW and how hard we are working, and that that was in the past. Thinking about hurts your progress try hard not to. GO to a happy place

It did hurt my confidence, but it usually has nothing to do with you or the way you look.
I got over it when I saw her, it definitely wasn't how I looked. She was nothing I had imgained, I was very taken back at how not attractive she was.

Counseling can help you get to the root.
If he truly is sorry and wants it to work he will do whatever to help you get past it.

Good luck, I know it is so very hard

*In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.* Robert Anderson

Answer 2

Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

This is much easier when the person genuinely feels regret for what they have done.

How can you do this? Time. Lots of it.

The trust has been obliterated and you must rebuild it from step one. Only there is a previous tendency to overcome. It is normal to not desire relations after such a thing.....you must first start by trying to be friends again.

Try to understand why he did it. Was it for emotional or sexual satisfaction? Can you see from his point of view where something was lacking? Not that lying is acceptable no matter what.

Your confidence? If you believe you did something wrong, your confidence should be shaken. If you can honestly say you did everything right? If so, don't blame yourself. If you might have, his reaction was inappropriate and immature, but work on the core issues.

I wish you luck. Forgiveness is a rare trait and I truly hope he deserves it, and you.

Answer 3

First, you must search for answers of what was or wasn't going on in your marriage. Unless your spouse is an outright dog, then something may have happened or was said that drove him outside your relationship. Do you two sincere discuss ALL your needs? If so, do you two sincerely try to fulfill those needs? If not, afterwhile, the spouse that keeps stating what they need will soon find it else where if they do not get it at home. You do not mention how long you've known your spouse before marrying him nor do you state how long you two have been married. How long has he known the other woman? Was he involved with her before you married him? You have alot of Sherlock Holmes work to do before you make a decsion of staying or leaving. And, remember, he too has a decision to make about staying or leaving you. It takes two to make a marriage work and only one to crush it. Best to you.

Answer 4

How CAN you forgive him when he hasn't asked for or wanted your forgiveness? I bet he hasn't even apologised has he? And "I am sorry but it was your fault..." is NOT a rel apology either. A REAL apology consist of four parts- 1. I acknowledge that what I did was wrong. 2. I accept responsibility for my actions. 3. I will not repeat those actions which caused the pain. 4. I will undertake those things which I need to, to repair the hurt I have caused. He blames you, has said so, and is probably waiting for YOU to apologise to him, and you make it all right.....even though HE is the one who chose to cheat, HE created the mistrust (and you ARE right not to trust him fully), and HE IS to blame for the shitty place the relationship is now in. You two need to see an independent third party who might help the two of you see where the other is coming from, and if there is still anything you can do to find a place where you can have a meeting of minds ***While BOTH people in the relationship are responsible for the overall health of that relationship, the cheater IS SOLELY responsible for THEIR CHOICE to cheat.

Answer 5

As the saying goes...Once a cheater always a cheater. You must be a very trustful person and believe that your husband will never cheat again and that's good.
I have been in your shoes but I could not forgive nor forget. I was very suspicious and it made my life miserable. My only relief was DIVORCE. Counseling might be the answer for you.
Good luck.

Answer 6

You made the decision to stay, which means you have forgiven. Which also means, in essence, that you are almost starting over. Did you picture him with other women before you got married? If not, you have to go back there. If you forgave, you have to forgive yourself as well. As far as your confidence, I think you are doing pretty good there. Just a note, you can't bring up the past on this, because it will destroy the two of you.You forgive,move on. Best of luck, you're a better person than me.

Answer 7

You can't just forget it....that will take years......coupled with the fact that he didn't actually break it off on his own, but was confronted and forced to choose.....only makes matters worse, since he may have never stopped had you not found out. He lived with the woman.....how do you move past that?? Regardless, couples counseling...and lots of it....would be my only guess as to how to fix your marriage. However, you are not supposed to get over this.....it is your decision, but he must be willing to go all the way with you and get all the help that you both need in order to have any future chance.

Answer 8

How sad it must be for you to know about the truth, but how joyful it must be to know that you're willing to forgive them in this magical season.

Try these dear:
1. Be good to yourself.
2.Be good to your family as well.
3.Don't hope for him change as it may not happen since he once lied to you. Time will tell about that.
4.Hang out with your buddies from time to time. Have some quality girl time together.
5.Be your children's guide and angel. You don't want them to get hurt in this.
6.Seek faith in your believes.

Don't think about it too much, read on something, share your thoughts with others. It helps.

Answer 9

Are they still working together? It would be best if he would get another job and away from his temptation.

Go to cheaters.com and install cheater checker in his computer for $49.95 - you can then see all his email, IMs, chat, websites he goes to, etc. It will make you feel better to know he is behaving himself. Check the phone bill detail to see that he is not text msg nor calling her, too, If clear for several months, you can predict, it's over.

That will begin to rebuild your confidence.

-Also, you must look prettier, be kinder and more charming than the competition
-keep in mind that you know his favorite foods
-hope you're going to counseling
-Read Fascinating Womanhood
-Go to church, maybe he'll go with you
-Pray, God is on your side
-think only the good things about him
-if thoughts come about that event, dismiss them from your mind

Since he chose you over her in front of her, that should keep her away.

Joy to you!

Answer 10

I would say if you are going to stay with him you have to get over it. You have to forgive him and just not bring it up ever again. As for your confidence; thats all you. You need to just make sure that you don't lose your self confidence. If he loves you and you love him; you'll get through this. Good Luck.