I'm 39 and he is 49, is it too late to have children?

Question

we're married for 11 years, when we first got married, he did want to have children. But as time moved on, we were so busy at work and the mortgages had drained us so much that we didn't want to have another burden.

Our relationship has not been very good either I sometimes feel lonely and helpless. Recently we had a big row, and we had a serious discussion on what should be the next step. We agreed to go for counselling. I kept thinking he will not be a good father, or maybe I'm judging it from my experience as a wife, some men will become more 'manly' after having a child (?)

I know it's a bit late for my age and for him to have a baby, but sometimes I still want to be a mother. However, by the time the child left the college, he will be 68 and I will be the only one to support the family. I feel tired already all the years after the mortgage payment, is it worth to have a child now and start from zero?

just serious answers please. Thanks.

Answer 1

"feel lonely and helpless"...

Maybe you are sad and lonely, because you never had the opportunity to have a child. Maybe you feel that void inside from being childless and it leaves you with other feelings as well.
Do not worry about your age. I have a friend that had their first baby at 39, then their second at 44, and their third at 45. They were all three very healthy and beautiful children. One was a boy and the other two were girls. (& here is a little secret they are trying for another one:-)
This is a decision that you alone have to make. Do not listen to anyone that says you are to "old" to have a kid. My dad was 39, when I was born, and he is awesome. I LIKED having an OLDER dad, because it taught me a lot. He was older, and wiser, and a more mature father. Unlike those in their twenties that have kids-that are very immature. Parents 35 + are more responsible. My dad is now 59 and I am 22. I do not wish that he were younger, no way. He is awesome, and has experience in life. He makes me feel like I am an adult, because he is mature, and treats me like I am mature. He sees things on a much more responisible level, than my friend's parents who had their kids when they were much younger.
So, personally, I believe that older parents are better. AND that is from the kid's perspective:-)
I think that you are not happy, because inside your maternal instinct to be a mother, has not been fullfilled. It is never to late to have a baby:-) I know MANY couples that have had a baby at the age of 38 +.
Please, do not let age get in the way.

Tell me, who would make the better parent? The 25 yr old that does not own their home, and that is unwed and works a minimun wage job? Or the late 30's / early 40's woman, that owns her own home, and is actually married?

Another factor is this. You may be worried about your husband being an "old" dad, and dying sooner in life. Well, even if your husband only lives 20 more years. At least your kid will have been in a home that is paid for, with parents that are in good financial standing, and that are actually married! Think about it, most kids born into these twenty something families, the parents are not financially stable, and the kid 75% of the time, looses their dad anyway. Because it always ends in divorce before the kid even reaches the age of 6!! Know what I am trying to say?

Get to procreating:-) I hope that you have twins!

A child is a gift from God that you will never regret and will fill your heart with unconditional love, and will give you lots of joy and sunny days!

Answer 2

The answer to your question about children is yes. The answer to your unasked question about should you, in a "not very good" relationship is no.

Despite your age, the maturity level I'm feeling here, is lacking. You are probably a sensible person, but the prospect of having a baby in your situation, comes off like a desperate-to-be-a-mom teenager's romantic ideal of parenthood.

I would first consider shaping your relationship up. Once it is a happy place for you to be, it will then be a happy place for your child. If that doesn't happen, then move on.

You can have children by means of conception or artificial fertilization methods, up until menopause, in reality. And you can always look a the prospect of adoption! Understand, this is a human being you're considering raising, not a miracle cure for the blues. If conceiving a child, to you, is more important than raising a child, I would definitely reconsider your approach. Good luck!

Answer 3

having a child if the marriage has problems is really the worst thing you can do, kids are the biggest stressors in any relationship, so the relationship needs to be strong to start with. I have experienced this up close and personal, in 4 relationships, not one survived. Although in 3 cases the woman was happy she did it, in 2 of those cases, the women were only 3 yrs younger than you. I myself was 4 yrs younger than you when i had my 1st and almost 3 yrs younger when i had my 2nd and have been a single parent for 13 yrs. I don't regret it, ya it's tough at times, but life's like that anyway. So it's really up to you, i say if you want a child, have one, very few mothers ever regret it. Your stable and mature enough and let your marriage go as it may, if he wanted one back then, it just may be what he needs. Just don't depend on it, but not having one won't necessarily keep it together either will it.

Answer 4

No, this is not a good idea given your situation. It has nothing to do with your ages, but has everything to do with your relationship. A few counseling sessions does not make a marriage. You've had a poor relationship up to this point and probably aren't connected very well. Having a child will only add stress to the already thin relationship and probably "ultimately" place YOU in a position of being a single mother. If you're concerned about supporting a child at age 18, imaging supporting a child solo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

Well my Dad was 49 when I was born, so it's been done, but what you describe as a shaky relationship is the worst time to introduce a child into your relationship. You and your husbnd need to be nothing shy of rock solid together, or a child will just complicate things. It could be what drives one or the other of you over the edge and into divorce court. A child, especially an infant is very demanding, and everything else sometimes has to take a back seat to that child. If your relationship can't handle the stress you two have now, how is it going to survive an infant? Don't worry about a kid roght now. Go and fix your marriage first, and then worry about it.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

You know, I am only 5 years younger than you and I definitely think you guys should go for it. Sure, you are tired, etc - but children really do give you a light in your life that you have never had before. It's amazing...and it sounds trite, but children really are your world. As for the difference in age (10 years), I understand that too - my husband has 10 years on me - and I will be the one who is working, etc when my son is 18 years old. I get it, but it's worth it. Simply put, a child is the best gift a mother could ever get from God...and if he gives you a child, and you live a good life, are generous, etc - you will have everything you need to raise that child (mortgage, finances, etc).

Answer 7

One thing is for sure, unless your relationship is very stables, don't have a child! That will be one more area of frustration and this time, it could affect a little, growing being. A child needs stability. If you feel you can offer that and devote your entire lives to that child, go for it... but if you feel that you can't and you're not 100% in love with the idea of having a baby, I wouldn't.

I like the poster that suggested foster care. There are so many children that need a home. It would be a wonderful opportunity to be foster parent.

Have you considered adopting an older child?

Answer 8

Sorry to say this, but I don't think having a child at this point would be a good idea.
Not only are you almost 40 (your pregnancy could be considered high-risk); your relationship with your husband is not fantastic, either.
While I understand you may feel the urge to become a mother, you two made your decisions years ago: work first, financial stability was a priority.

I know some people will disagree; but I really don't think a child should be brought into this world just because its parents were trying to hold a marriage together. It never works. Good luck.

Answer 9

be wary of having a child to try and cover flaws in a less than perfect marriage, it rarely works.
things to consider are:
if you decided to have a child, and your marriage failed, would you be secure enough to raise the child alone?
are you looking for someone to give you unconditional love due to feeling unfulfilled by your relationship?
having a child puts a strain on even the best relationships due to change in circumstances (and exhaustion, hormones etc...), and you don't sound too happy at the moment anyway.

only have a child if you are doing it for the right reasons, and i think from your question you know deep down that these aren't the right reasons to have one.

also, bear in mind that while age should be unimportant, it is when having a child. Your risk of having a child with Down's Syndrome is quite high as you're over 35, and your husband's chance of fathering a child with Autism is double that of a 27year old once he turns 50.

Answer 10

These are all very serious questions. That only you know the answer to. However, I say if you want a child and want to run the risk of raising the child alone, go for it. Having a baby is not going to make him a better husband or a better man. However, if you want to be a mother, then talk to your doctor and ask him what the risks are in your case. Good luck and God bless****