Pissed poem (for the UK users to rate). Thoughts?

Question

I had a huge fight with this person last night and this poem just flew out of me. I'm in the U.S. Your comments are much appreciated.


Vile

Spew your vile vitriol
That ushers from the blackest hole
Of hell. And that of which
The civil do not speak.
Yes, spew it as a sickening streak
on someone else, next time
Indeed, if anyone else,
Would ever give to you their precious time.

I see now I was the fool.
Should have let you sink
in your black abomination pool
It would have spared me true,
the moments of wasted life and breath on you.

Nothing pours forth from your gaping maw
But lies, deceit, excuses.
of that which is filthy and morose
You seem to find such endless uses.
An endless cycle of disgust.
What once was good and right,
turns taint and putrid with your rust.
Such is the nature
of your despicable touch.

Oh, piteous waste of existence
Be gone from me, be gone!
I’d give all I have from hence
Just to have your image long
And excised from my sight.
Always, always, always
Do you seek me out to fight
Now all I want is peace and goodness
And shelter from your hideous blight.

Merciful and gentle
Rains, from heaven in most high
Be good to me, dismantle
The darkness and the lies
And wash me clean this day
As spring showers wash the grime.

Answer 1

I'm English. As a poem, structurally speaking it can be improved upon because you mix your rhyming up from stanza to stanza. To be very blunt, either have it rhyme to the same pattern all the way through or not rhyme at all, it will help your poem flow much easier when read by another. It would also be more intelligent if you didn't repeat words such as 'black', 'spew' and 'time' but instead found other descriptions to use to keep the reader interested.

Content wise, it's pretty obvious you were spitting these words out of your head as you were writing which is great. Your emotion comes across really well, you weren't holding back. I think the best line is: "That ushers from the blackest hole".

Hope you aren't angry anymore and writing this poem was cathartic. Merry Christmas!

Answer 2

O
M
G

that is the first good poem I have ever read on Y!A
I am most impressed!!!!
:-) :-)
that's how poetry is supposed to work. organic. kinda creepy, but it has to come from within.

I've heard people say
that when you're truely sad
there's no way I'll speak in verse
but yet again, when I am sad,
the verse comes pouring out.

:-) and I'm not a UK user, I just learned that style of english before the american style. my mum is british. so, I spell american now, mostly, but yea. :-)

so, it's not the most fluid,
so it's not the most structurally perfect poem
yes. that is true. but, it fits with the purpose of the poem for it to be more corse than usual. what I have to say is this. keep it.

read it over from time to time, and you'll see things to polish up. it's like a shard of sea glass. it's sharp. and it can hurt, but it's beautiful once polished.

most impressed:
---TG&B

Answer 3

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i don't know. on the scale of 1-10, i'd say about 4.

Answer 4

I like it, and I am really not a poetry person, but it makes sense, I have an ex-friend who this could easily apply to!

Answer 5

I do believe this is the second time you posted this poem
with in 24 hours, Once again, hope you move on from this
anger and enjoy the holidays.

A joyful Christmas to all-------------------------

Answer 6

They must have really pissed you off, better to get that stuff out though! That kind of stuff festering could make you ill.I wish you well.

Answer 7

Blimey! What a load of ... tosh! Isn't it amazing what self pity can elicit?

Answer 8

I'm not from the UK but have a beer or something.

Answer 9

You sound really pissed.
Way to get it off your chest. Great poem

Answer 10

Amazing.
I love being drunk so much!
Drunk and British and proud!!!