what things do you wish you would have known before you were married.?

Question

if you are divorced, what things would you have changed in hindsight. i am about to get married, i would like al lthe advice i can get.

Answer 1

i wish i had looked into his past and seen how he treated his other wives, wish i had known more about his financial problems, or that he was permanently attached at the hip to his adult son, wish i had just given it more time and not jumped into it, and settled for the first man who treated me nice. wish i had seen how he reacted to stress, wish i had thought before marrying a man who was married three other times, should have seen it coming. get to know them well before agreeing to marry them. wish i had seen all the baggage he had, and not listened to the promises and lies.

Answer 2

Just how important it is to talk about everything all the time.
Fears,likes, dislikes,etc.
Let your partner know it is ok to each grow separate and steal be one.
How important it is to settle a disagreement before you go to sleep.
The word divorce must never be an option.
Never and i do mean never hit your wife
NEver do something and expect something in return, that is not a nice game.
Always treat your wife as if you are dating.
Bring her plenty of flowers and cards that say I LOVE YOU.

treat your wife like you would like to be treated.
marriage is not a 50 /50 deal sometimes it is a 90 /10 and you are doing the 90.
do every chore with love and pride and don't bolster about what you did.
marriage is the hardest job you will ever have but the best you could ever hope and pray for.

Answer 3

I wish I'd known my first husband was gay.

I wish I'd known my second husband still had college loans to repay.

You could benefit from couples counseling. I know right now you are in the first blush of love (or even the second), but you need to talk about EVERYTHING before you marry. That includes how you both feel about money: is one a spender and the other a saver? is one in debt? is one expected to be the breadwinner while the other stays home? And sex: are your sex drives similar? If you have to move to another locale for work, is the other willing to make that move? Do you want kids? Do you want pets? Do you hate any of the relatives on the other side (trust me, it comes into play at some point)? Is your fiancee still tied to Daddy or Mommy? Do either of you have an abusive loved one in your past -- may indicate the need for counseling later? Is there a family history of mental illness -- like depression, bipolar, schizophrenia? Is there a family history of cancer, cerebral palsy, Down's syndrome, ADD, Autism...and would you both be thinking along the same lines when it comes to having a kid that might be learning/developmentally disabled? Do you both feel the same way about abortion and politics generally? Do you share the same faith? Do you both express love in a way that is satisfying to the other (I like physical attention..some other women prefer "emotional" attention, others like material things...)? Do you communicate effectively -- are all your needs met?

Tip of the iceberg, but I hope it makes you think. You'll be hoping to spend the rest of your life with this person. Dealing with issues now is easier than dealing with them later, when you have a mortgage and three kids.

Answer 4

... ooooooh girl .. if only we could put our life on re-wind, and know then, what we know now.

Pay attention to the things you have chosen as not important & chosen to ignore, about your mate. These things may seem insignificant now - but in the future, they could rise up to bite you.

Don't think you can change him/her.

Have definite & real agreements about important things in life.

If you are a Christian - know that you need your mate to share this with you .. which trickles down to your children. It is very, very important . Doing this alone, presents problems.

I wish I would have known how heavy the load can be.

There are lines that people will not accept if anyone crosses them .. and there are things which people will not tolerate .. so make sure these type of things are understood & are in agreement with.

Know that marriage is hard work. It can be beautiful. It can be heart-breaking. But .. endure it together ... there is a beauty about sticking it out.

Never, absolutely never stay for abuse. Know that emotional & mental abuse exists.

Also do the right thing so you will never have anything to regret. Give over 100% of yourself ... go into your marriage with that attitude.

There is so much to tell. Some advice might apply to some people - but not to others.

If you can - never let the sun set on being angry with one another.

Answer 5

I wish I would have known that men expect their woman to NEVER EVER CHANGE. Ever.

I wish I would have known that we should have had counseling BEFORE marriage... and that it should have lasted a while.

I wish we would have worked out the roles we expected to play in the relationship - like who pays the bills, who cleans the kitchen, etc.

I wish we would have known that the WEDDING is bullshit and never worth the money you spend, but the MARRIAGE is everything and worth all the effort you put into it

I wish we would have known that every day we would grow stronger, and our relationship would get better, but that there are serious bumps and bruises along the way that also help us get stronger.

I wish we would have sold ALL of our furniture and started from scratch so we wouldn't argue about ugly, old furniture!!

Ditto for the car!!

I don't wish, but am GLAD I didn't listen to people who say marriage is a scam. And I am glad that I got married, and glad that we are still together, even in the tough times. I look forward to the rest of my life with this man who has changed a lot since we first met, but he's still my best friend.

Answer 6

Look at all of the minor red flags, multiply them times 100, and this is what you will be living with. Make sure you have seen this person at their complete worst, and even at their worst they still are respectful and are not violent or cruel. Observe what their ability is to deal with the trying times, as those are the times that will most test your marriage.

Look for unresolved issues the person has not dealt with, in addition to noticing whether they have the ability to accept responsibility when things don't quite go their way. People who blame others for their fate in the world are not proactive and typically do not make good life partners.

Make sure you and your partner are aligned on the issues of having children, who will raise them, where you plan to live long term, and whether or not you plan to have your parents involved. Also, make sure money has been discussed and you are aligned with how you plan to handle finances.

Good luck! You are smart to start thinking of these things now. I highly recommend pre-marriage counseling if you are having any problems or issues.

Answer 7

ignore all the ppl with the "dont get married, marriage is a scam" blah blah answers. They obviousely didnt marry the person for them or they didnt know who they were b4 they got married.
make sure you know your fiance inside and out.
to start out with, your new wife will probably complain about these things... chores, you not helping, money wanting new and better stuff. so for your case i suggest, you help out with everything, Marriage may of been all on the wifes shoulders in the 50's but its 2007 and now its 50/50 so pick up and do your share in the marriage and relationship.
and when you fight, do not leave the house. stay and work it out and dont go to bed mad at eachother, it only creates bigger problems. your wife will probably want you to already know when and why she is mad and we know you cant read our minds, but if you sense something is wrong with her, then show loving concern and find out cuz if you dont the problems fester and then they blow up a week later into a huge fight. sorry i didnt mean for this to be so long. lol

Answer 8

first things first. are you truly healed from your last divorce? I know many people who look to try to "fix" what was wrong in their first marriage by jumping into another one. the problem is, that in a second marriage, you bring all of the baggage of the first one with you if it hasn't been dealt with in a healthy manner. this is fair to no one especially the new spouse. the next thing to ask yourself is:
"have I changed what was wrong with me so that this commitment will not end up in divorce?"
If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done whatever was necessary to put my first marriage back together. that will never happen now because I am committed to my second marriage and to be sure it hasn't been easy, but you really need to see to making sure you are not trying to escape one pain by running into another situation that can cause just as much pain, if you are not willing or able to handle things if and when they get rough.

Answer 9

that kids bring your further apart not closer together, that it is not all fun, that sometimes your going to hate the bastard and wish he was dead, and then a week later love him and ask god to forgive you for such thoughts, that most men do not have good communication skills and that is what friends are for so don't loose contact with your friends, dont ever bad mouth a friend he will use that against you when you want to go out with her, never tell him when another man hits on you he will blame you, men hate to do house work so don't expect him to help and be happy about it, don't let him be your world make sure you keep friends around otherwise you soon will feel bored of each other.

Answer 10

Wow... this is an extremely depressing bunch of answers. I'm engaged as well, so I sympathize :)

My fiance and I went through a book called 1001 Questions before Marriage, or someingthing like that. It brings up all sorts of topics, like what you see as your future occupation, to daily duties around the house, to the role your in-laws will play, to how you will spend your money. It brought us to many big conversations that I feel helped us learn more about each other and ultimately grow closer to one another. I think with big things, the key is communication so make sure that you can be open and honest with one another!

Answer 11

Remember a marriage is a union of 2 people - 2 individuals. There's no such thing as a perfect anything - be willing to work together, towards the same goals, to hold your marriage together. Compromise, Communicate - those are 2 very important ingredients to any relationship.