Betrayed my wife, what to do?

Question

I betrayed my wife by cheating on her last year. She recently found evidence of it on my computer. She wants a divorce and wants to take our two kids far away. She cheated on me multiple times when we were first married and young... I should have known better to do the same to her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and am trying to show her in every way possible that we can/should work this out. Communicate more and make this strengthen our relationship. I know it takes years to forgive this betrayal and I was able to do it. Should I let go? Should I fight for her and my kids? I am soooo lost. I never thought in a million years I would have done this to her.

Answer 1

u need to make her understand that u are fully aware that what u did hurt her. tell her she will see only good things from u in the future. ask to go to christian counseling, get god involved in it. if she is still refusing ask her not to do anything until she has given u a chance to show her how good it can be. than go to therapy on your own if she won't go. when u communicate with her, treat her as if u are really interested in everything she is saying, make her feel its safe to communicate anything to u without fear of anything. it may take time to achieve what u want, as betrayal is the worst hurt there is. remind her how u forgave her wrongs and let what she did go because u loved her and u would hope she could be equally as fair to u. don't let go until theres no hope left, or u find out she's seeing someone else. she can't take the kids far away from u, she's just hurt and emotionally upset right now.just ask her not to make any rash decisions right now while she is so hurt and upset, ask her to give it some time and thought, and base it on the years u were faithful, and things were good. tell her your sorry, let her vent all she wants.

Answer 2

You forgave her and now when the shoe is on the other foot she is ready to let the entire marriage go down the drain? Did this just recently happen? She may very well still be in shock and pain and is not thinking about the affect this will have on the entire family or her, in the long run.
You already know it was a stupid thing to do and most people don't think they will cheat and they are usually the ones most vulnerable to doing so. You are doing the right thing by showing her in every way how sorry you are and that you want that chance to show her you can be trusted. Give her some time and I certainly believe you should fight for her and the kids. Hate to sound like a broken record, but please check out the websites below; may help both of you.

Answer 3

Not that a reason is an excuse to cheat - but most often people don't cheat "just because". Did you do it to get back at her? Was it because there are other problems in your marriage?

IF she's dead set on walking away, while you can try fighting for her, I suggest just letting her go. You can fight for joint custody of the kids - keeping in mind, neither one of you have the right to call each other names at this point.
IF you are both willing to do whatever it takes to hold your marriage together, then I highly suggest counseling. You need it as a couple and possibly as individuals.

You say she cheated on you multiple times in the past - no, 2 wrongs do Not make a right, but mention to her that while she did it multiple times and you forgave her every time, you've only done it once and feel you deserve a second chance ... it's only fair, considering you gave her multiple chances.
Remember, cheating because she did is NOT an excuse, so don't try to rub it in her face. You're not making excuses, you're reminding her of all the times you forgave her and asking her to give you the same courtesy.

Prove to her you are truly sorry and never let it happen again. That's all you can do.
Best Wishes.

Answer 4

Your wife should realize that you're only human too. She cheated and you forgave her, so what's the big deal?Obviously, she thinks it's okay to cheat on you multiple times or she would at least try to forgive you. Why don't you go to counseling together? Just because you're the guy, doesn't mean that she can automatically take the kids from you. Talk to a lawyer if she's serious about the divorce; seek custody.

Answer 5

good times and bad...'til death do us part...

Remember these part of your vows? Unless they were just lip-service, the answer is NO you shouldn't just let go. If you're truly sorry you should fight for your wife & kids, for your marriage.

It IS going to take her some time to get past the hurt. And, it may make sense for you guys to separate for a bit until you can rebuild that trust. It sounds like you already realize how important it is for you to show her, tell her and follow through on letting her know 1) how much you are sorry and 2) how you will make it up to her & the kids by making them Priority #1 from here on out.

What NOT to do: bring up the fact that she cheated before. It is completely irrelevant to your actions over the past year. You have the power to control your own actions and if you bring up what she did in the past you will only hurt any healing or restoration that you're trying to create now.

Good luck. Be patient. Don't despair. There IS hope!

Answer 6

Are you truly sorry...I mean from the heart sorry, then you need to express that from your soul you made a awful mistake, and need her forgiveness, and this will never happen again. Let her know how much she and the kids mean to you, and that you stepped outside of the box in your marriage. Let her know that you are lost, and you would have never thought in a million years you could have done this to her. If she is worth it you just have to make her understand by showing her, being there, and always answer your cell phone. Communication is the key, and you have to do a lot of that in order... if ever to get back into her good graces, ...I do wish you the best, and as always pray for God to forgive you, and help you set your marriage straight.

Answer 7

It's hard to regain someone's trust again, especially when it comes to cheating on your spouse or partner. If it comes to the point of departing from each other, so be it. Try not to depart angry, it will only make matter worse, especially with the kids in the middle. Just do all you can to be there for her and the kids. Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder and realize that the two of you need to be back together, but if not, then it probably wasn't right to begin with. You can maybe take her out for a nice quiet dinner to talk things over and go from there.

Answer 8

You know you make sure you show her this when you sit down and talk to her!

How do she live in a glass house and throw stones! Me saying this doesn't look for you to get a get out of jail free card! I am appalled how she look at her life to be flawless....
You were created in sin and born into a world of sin, with imperfections and all! God is a forgiving man, and she at one time made the mistake of throwing caution to the win in her marriage as well and I recommend counseling to settle the both of you on why do you take one another for granted and why did you both one time or another throw your marriage away! You guys should work to resolve this together, and if she's going to be that closed minded to any of it! Close your mouth don't beg her and if she want a divorce give her one because guess what? You didn't disrespect her where as she found out in her face but she found information on the computer.... I'm not insulting her to say that it's right but solve the problem on why are you guys on countless occasions keep hurting one another? May God keep both of you and bless your marriage and try to make what you guys have work! You sound very sincere that you never in a million years thought of yourself to do something like this to her! Get to the root of your problem so that this won't happen again and do it together.....

Good Luck and God Bless.....................

Answer 9

It is a matter of if she wants to work it out. Admittedly you forgave her and have moved on. Maybe she was unable to forgive herself for what she did and is using this as a reason to move on. At this moment she is dealing with the fact that the pedestal you were on is no longer there. That is hard to deal with. All I can say is communicate with her and let her know you are sorry and show her how sorry you are. I.E. let her know where you are at all times, let her have full access to your email and cell phone along with whatever she never had access to before. These things show her that you are no longer wanting to cheat on her and that you are willing to be completely honest and open with her. I also recommend marriage counseling or individual counseling for both of you. There is a reason why the person strayed and you both need to figure it out. You will need to take full responsibility for this betrayal and let her know that she was not at fault. It will help also.

Answer 10

This is what ended my marriage. I cheated on my husband... I only saw him twice every six months and at 20 years old, that was too hard for me to deal with. So, he in turn cheated on me. I expected it would eventually happen. We didn't make it. We spent a lot of dough on counseling. When the trust is gone it's never fully restored. We divorced and both moved on.

I'm really sorry, but this isn't something you go to Yahoo answers about. You should go to an elder of some sort (priest, rabbi, parent, etc) and get some advice from someone who knows what they're talking about. You have to keep your head up and fight off depression. Never stop extending yourself to your children. They still need you.