Am I a bad mother for doing this?

Question

My husband and I have been seperated for almost a year now.He has already found a girlfriend and they are having a baby in a month.He doesn't pay me anything for our kids(I don't have a court order yet)Anyway,to make a long story short,I really can't stand him because of what he has done to me and the kids.He thinks calling them a couple times a week and seeing them when it is best for him makes him father of the year.I got my daughters ear pierced yesterday as one of her Christmas presents and my husband is having a fit about it.He is telling me to take them out of her ears and I was wrong for doing it.She is 10 and she wanted them.I really don't see what the big deal is.He said he didn't want her to have them until she was 14.What do you think?Can he hold that against me when we go through the divorce?

Answer 1

No. It is not child abuse, it is earrings. Tell him that when he starts to contribute to there welfare, he can have a say in the matter.

Answer 2

You are absolutely not a bad mother for doing this!

If he tries to use this in the divorce proceeding he will be laughed out of court. They will see it for what it is. A petty attempt to find anything that he can to make your life difficult. At this time you have parental responsibility of your children. You have not put them in danger or been inappropriate with them. You have done nothing that would cause a court to consider that you are not a fit parent by getting her ears pierced.

I am in a similar dilemma but kind of the other way around. I got my ears pierced when I was 7 and I want my youngest to have her ears pierced then also. My ex doesn't have a problem with this but my current husband does because he doesn't want his daughter to get her ears pierced yet and she is a year older. It's a difficult situation and I know that if I decide to do it then it is my choice to do so but still it presents a problem.

Good luck when your divorce proceeding does come around but fear not that this will come back to bite you because the courts don't take these petty matters into consideration and if he thinks they will then he is dreaming!

Answer 3

i would not cut or pierce anything on the kids i have with an ex until i spoke to him first. something that permanent should be discussed with the other parent. being angry at the father won't do the kids any good. having said the "right" thing first now let me say if he doesn't like it... tuff, she wanted it and that is all there is to it! tell him that you are sorry you didn't think he would have a problem with it and the next time you will discuss it with him first but that you will not take the earrings out after she has already gone through it. the judge will not care that mom took her to get her ears pierced but i think he will look bad for acting the way he is acting.

Answer 4

I think just by reading what you just wrote that this man controlled you for many years?
And now is the time to let go and do what you want if he was that concerned then he can raise them.
Look I was you and raised my kids just the way he wanted about a year ago he got remarried now he has changed does not want to help raise the kids.
My point is now my kids are having a hard time adjusting from the begining I should have raised them the way I wanted.
Don't let him control you anymore try to move on with your life if he was a part of there life the way he should be then you would have never had them pierced in the first place.
My advise please in the name of God move on don't be like me.
I am now independent but for many years I could have had happiness but I let my dumb ex control me and in the end it all did not matter.
He is your ex for a reason no going back.

Answer 5

No he cannot hold peircing the little girls ears against you in court. Nothing he can do now. What is the big deal on getting her ears peirced at 10 what is the difference on waiting until she is 14. He is trying to be a controlling parent and thinks because you didn't discuss this with him then he is going to make you feel bad. It is not as though you gave her drugs and alcohol or a tattoo. It is just ear peircing he needs to get over it.

Answer 6

HELL no, he can't use something like that in the divorce. YOU however, can use his cheating and having a child with someone ELSE as legitimate leverage.

There is nothing wrong w/ pierced ears at 10. (I've had them since I was 7.)
Too damn bad if he didn't want her to have them until she was 14.
You are the one raising your children. He gave that privilege up.

You sound like a great mom who is trying to help her kids still be kids during a difficult time. Good luck.

Answer 7

She's TEN. She's past the age of not being able to decide for herself. Tell your ex to back off. Yeah, he's dad, but I'm sure that hif he were still in the picture, he would've let her get her ears pierced, too. He's using it as leverage. Tell him the least he can do is buy her a pretty pair of new earrings for when her ears heal and send some money for clothes. I hate deadbeats. Even if they come to visit, it's usually on their own terms. Get that court order, honey. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

Answer 8

Oh geeze like the world hinges on when you got your daughter's ears piereced? Get real woman! You're still married and your HUSBAND impregnated another woman and all you can think of is your daughter's ear piercing? Why haven't YOU gotten a court order of support yet? Since there is nor order of visitation with schedule he can call and see his children whenever it is convienent for him. Keep in mind also that the visitation order is NOT to force the child or the non-custodial parent to visit one another, it is there to keep the custodial parent from keeping the non-custodial parent from seeing the children. What I think is that you have no clue and had better get a lawyer soon.

Answer 9

Honey, You need to take control and hang on to it. Tell him to stick it. (Obviously he already has). You are the parent and he is acting as the child. Leave the earrings in the ear. That's a perfect age to do it. The quicker you let him know you are in charge the better off you will be. Worry nothing about him holding anything against you in court. He has broken the golden rule. He should really be worried about what you will do to him in court. Have a blessed Holiday and don't let him take your joy.

Answer 10

All you did was get your kids ears pierced. She's 10, and old enough to decide if she wanted it done or not. That's not abuse or neglect. He can't hold that against you. Since he's not paying for anything, then tell him when he starts to pay you money for the kids then he can complain. He's just being a jerk. Be glad that you're not with him anymore.

Answer 11

1. Don't badmouth or criticize the other parent.
Children view themselves as half Mom and half Dad so, when you criticize the other parent you criticize your child. This also applies to stepparents and other adults in your child's life.

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2. Don’t share details of the divorce.
It is never in the best interest of children to be told information about court matters, child support, or financial concerns about your divorce. Children feel confused and caught in the middle when parents share too much detail with them.

3. Don't use your children as spies.
If you need to know something about your spouse, find it out yourself. Asking your child to spy on a parent puts the child in the middle and causes feelings of responsibility for the parent’s welfare.

4. Don't argue and engage in conflict in front of your child.
Parental conflict continues the cycle of children feeling confused and caught in the middle. Be supportive of your child and the stress they are under by conducting yourself in a mature manner around your soon to be ex.

5. Don't make your children responsible for making adult decisions.
Children should not be responsible for taking care of matters just because mom or dad stressed out. Make whatever adjustments you have to so that yourchild can be a child, with responsibilities of their normal age range.

6. Don't ignore your child when they ask why there is a divorce.
Not listening to your child and answering their questions sends them the message that their feelings don’t matter. Answer your children’s questions no matter how painful the subject is for you.

7. Don't withhold visitation to punish the other parent.
A child should have regular contact with both parents. The pain your child would feel because of the absence of a parent is not worth your need for revenge.

8. Don't try to buy your child's love.
Gift may make an impression for a moment but, your attention and love makes an impression that lasts a lifetime.

9. Don't forget to have fun.
Let’s face it, children are all about having some fun. Make sure you offer a relaxing fun environment. One in which they can let go of their worries and just be a child. Fun goes a long way in relieving stress!