Husband Depressed, Help!?

Question

My husband and I have been married since July 7,2007, on July 11th, 2007 my in-law said they were getting a divorce. It has taken a toll on him, as his parents were married for 25 years. We have had a lot of changes since we were married, we moved off to college only to have to move back because of finances(so we moved in with his dad, and now with my parents). He's a very optimistic person, but lately has been depressed, giving up his church and taekwondo(that he's done for 5 years). I don't know what to do, I try to be there for him and we do things together, go out and such, both of us work, he works days(Monday thru Saturday), and I work nights(15 hours, Thursday-Saturday). I would just want some advice to how I can help my husband especially this holiday season. Thanks!

Also, a classmate of his in H.S, died this year in combat. When we came back from "college", 3 people we knew died unexpectedly in a week and a half and last year a classmate of mine really close died(don't think mine has anything to do with it). That's it.

By the way we're both very devout Christians, and he's going to my dad's church(he's a pastor), sorry if I alluded that he gave up his faith, he didn't do that. Thanks for the answers i have so far. Prayer is all i can do i think but I just wonder if there's something outside of that I can do, I hate seeing him this way!

Answer 1

living with people is hard. working long hours, and then not having you around is also hard, especailly if he is overwhelemed with school, work, and mental and emotional difficultys. you guys have alot against you even if his parents weren't getting divorced, or if people hadn't died. but this all compiled can be a lot. there are a few things that you should consider. first I know it's hard when it comes to work, but is it possible for you to both decide one day a week that you can give up and take off so that you can spend that day together. This is a must, other wise over time you will grow apart, you must nurture your relationship, and he needs you. the second thing is, sometimes there isn't enough time, and this only adds more stress trying to fit it in, but if he is into church and his Karate thing he really needs that. I know, because I too have a passion for church, Karate, and a few other things. last year I wasn't able to do these things because of some things that happened, I became this depressed, bitter person. it took a lot to get myself out of that state of mind, and like Him I am usually an optimistic person. if he can do even one of these things it will help take his mind off the bad stuff going on, and help him channel his pain into something else. everybody needs to do that. some people find other ways, but this is his way obviously. the divorce will take time, but over time he will work through those emotions and be able to better handle them. make sure he is getting exercise that is a big thing, if he is less active he will become more and more depressed because he won't feel good, also make sure he's eating good most of the time. diet and exercise is a big part of how we feel physically, and emotionally. fatty foods make us feel lathargic which adds to the depression. make sure on the day you decide to make your day to share together you plan stuff ahead of time so you both have something to look forward to. it could be a movie, or what ever it dosen't have to cost. just time away from work, family, and everybody else. me and my husband have two kids. we finally set up this thing where friday is his and I's night. weather we stay home or go out. that is our night, and our kids are learning to respect that. also we made saturday thier night. and my husband and I take turns taking them on dates so that they are getting quality time too, and they don't hate that we have time together and they don't. it will take time, this won't happen over night, it could take a good year, but he really needs something good so that not all his life is bad.

Answer 2

Hi there.
I'd say he definitively sounds like he's clinically depressed. A lot of things have happened, things he had no control over, and perhaps he feels like the rug under his feet has been suddenly removed. He is going through a big crisis....

Depression exists, and only people who have had it- and have overcome it- can tell you just how horrible it is. Please convince him to go to his doctor for a physical exam, and also have hormonal levels checked. Many times depression has a physical base and then it grows and becomes more involved with emotions and feelings.

Depression is not just about feeling sad, or being negative; it can totally engulf you and forget what you were like before it hit you- That's one of the major dangers with it!

It is a sneaky disease, and one that is commonly misdiagnosed. If you find out his hormone levels are not right, then the doctor can give him antidepressants that can help him feel better; after a while he can slowly stop taking them.

Please have him checked so you can rule that possibility out. Good luck! Take care of yourself, too, because living with a depressed person is not easy.

Answer 3

My hat goes off to you my dear. I am married also to a husband with depression issues as well as an anxiety disorder. Trust me... if you can find a way to help him and learn to "deal" with him in this... then you'll be able to overcome almost any other obstacles that come your way in your married life.

First, I would suggest that you GENTLY discuss with him the sadness and sorrow that you see in his eyes (don't say depression to him). It will probably take more than once to get through to him. He'll likely be defensive about it at first. Once you get him to admit that he's "sad" begin suggesting that you BOTH go to some sort of counseling or to see a "therapist" (psychiatrist), or even possibly a pastor (most are educated in counseling of different sorts). That will actually be what helps you the most. Because not only does he need an "outsider" to talk to... but you need help dealing with him yourself and also need an education on how to be the best help you can be to him.

With my situation, it took not only counseling and education, but also medication for my husband. He still has his moments... but I know now the signs to watch for and what do to when he gets down.

Good luck to you both and God Bless!

Answer 4

It is ok not be in good spirits all the time. It seems like there is allot of bad stuff happening in your husband's life, and not being happy-happy-joy-joy is OK. No antidepressant needed. As long as you guys have a suportive loving relationship where you can talk and share of whatever is on your mind, things will be ok. He just needs some time to grieve over his losses.

P.S. I have read other responses, and C'mon people, person's feelings are neither right or wrong, they just ARE and a person who loves you will support you without dragging you to the therapist just because they are uncomfortable when you are sad. People go to therapists when they have no family or friends to share their emotions with!

Answer 5

Hi,
Sincerely, I am more worried of you rather than about him. I hope you wont get into depression yourself because I can imagine how much you be stressed in going through all this as a newly wedded wife. Good you are keeping your nerves. Please take care of yourself.
Tell your husband this. He should be relieved that her parents decided to divorce after they found a nice, strongwilled girl for him as his partner. They made sure he had someone to hold on to when they went about that decision. I am sure poor souls must have been unhappy and must have been delaying this decision for him. And if he remains depressed and affected like this, how much more will his loving parents get affected? Does he not have the responsibility of acting like a mature guy and helping them both to go through their decision? Cant he realise if after 25 years they decided like this, there must be some reason and whatever it may be, it must be strong and he has to just leave it to them. He can only help them in this process. And for that he has to pull himself up.
Honey, you are a pastor's daughter. You seem to be knowing more of life and its uncertainities. Be with your husband, be available to him when he needs, take care of his other issues and let him concentrate in coming out of his issues. Tell him how much you love him and how much you want him. He may have doubts about marriage also now since this has happened, but, then how can we live, we know we all die one day, we see deaths all around us always. So, we have to think about our lives, take lessons from what we elsewhere and move on with changes as needed.
He has to understand. Perhaps you can help him, but, he has to help himself more.
I will pray for him. i will pray for you. You please take care.
Take care. All the best.
Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year to You..

Answer 6

my suggestion is to take him to a pyschiatrist to get a diagnosis,b/c it could just be depression or another mental illness. if if's just depression it is curable however if it's something else like bi-polar than it's a lifetime committment. another form of therapy would also be grief counseling, since he's griefing the loss of his parents marriage and the loss of many of those close to him. that's a lot to have to deal w/all at once. also i would also to couples therapy to also make sure YOUR marriage stays in tack b/c depression of any kind can put a strain on any marriage. BTW that was pretty selfish of his parents to drop that kind of news on him just 4 days after his wedding. that's really a confidence booster. just make sure that you're there for moral support no matter what and if he is diagnosed w/BP just make sure you BOTH educate yourselves a/b it. it was helpful for my husband to understand what was going on w/m when i was diagnosed at the beginning of our marriage and we've been together going on 7yrs. best wishes.

Answer 7

Prayer and keeping the faith is all I know.

He is going through this for a reason .. so help him be in the right frame of mind to see it .. "life" seems to never be convenient for us

Good Luck!

Answer 8

I cant answer this question but I can pray for you and you husband. Hopefully it all comes together for you. I hate to hear someone being depressed because I suffer with depression. So I'll be praying.

Answer 9

Your going to have to drag his butt off the sofa and make him go to church and back to doing some of the things he enjoys. If he fights and kicks and screams, then make him an appointment with a professional. Do not let him continue on his down hill slide, it may end with disasters results.

Answer 10

Wow,,,He does have a reason to be depressed..I got depressed just by reading this...Give him time to grieve,,lots of emotions here! It will take some time. Be supportive and try to keep his mind busy! Good Luck!