My daughter has a secret boyfriend, read details please?

Question

My daughter is twelve years old and in the seventh grade. Her name is Jenny, and she has always been a good kid. When she got to seventh grade, she suddenly became a bit of a handful. She began wearing black a lot, and became a bit distanced. I thought that it was normal and she was just transitioning into a teenager. One day, I found her iPod in her jeans pocket, and was moving it back to Jenny's desk, when it suddenly turned on, and showed that she was halfway through a song by Bauhaus called Bella Lugosi's Dead. I began to explore her music choices, and found a lot of Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Peter Murphy, and such artists. I began to get a bit afraid, and started to watch a bit closer on my Jenny, but I never confronted her.
Last week, Jenny asked if she could sleep over at her friend Anna's house. I said yes, because Anna's mother was a very good friend of mine, and I trusted her. I just told Jenny to call me around ten o'clock.
Ten o'clock came and went, and there was

no call. I went over to Anna's house, and found a party going on. I was very mad at Jenny for lying to me, and found that in the back yard, a boy from Jenny's school was there, and Jenny and this boy were kissing. People started yelling "parent!" as they saw me and began to run out of the house. I heard Jenny say "God, I'm glad it's not my mom!" I left because I felt bad that my daughter thought of me this way. I thought I would confront Jenny the next morning, before she went out to the movies with another friend (this time I was sure there was going to be a parent present).

I was astounded when I saw her outfit. She had a black shirt which was so tight and showed her ample bosom and small figure. Her jeans were tight and low. A small amount of stomach was shown and there was a black graffiti print on her jeans. She had Converse shoes with skulls on them. I wouldn't let her go out, and she changed her shirt but nothing else. She reminded me that people were waiting for her, and I let her go. After a half hour of worrying, I went to the theater and found her in a PG-13 movie. I am not sure how she got in, and also not sure how she sneaked away from the parent watching, but she and a boy were sitting together in a middle row. They were the only people in the theater, and began kissing. I watched for two minutes, and they hardly ever came up for air. I went outside and found an attendant, and told them that two people were being bothersome. Jenny and the boy had to leave, and I saw Jenny go back into the PG movie, while the boy left.
I have no idea how to

I have no idea how to confront her and if I should. I do not like her seeing this boy who I have never met, and I'm not sure what to do.

Answer 1

Hmm...is it just me or are you sounding a bit contradictory here?
I mean, you are worried about your daughters secrets (come off it, she's nearly a teenager and you expect her to be your best friend?) and yet you still feel the need tosecretly go through her IPod songs out of pure curiosity, with no genuine suspicions to justify it, and then judge them on your taste. I've seen this situation replay over and over with some of my friends, in both the parent and teenager situation. It's when parents get into the labelling of teens such "emo" etc that you can really distance yourself from your daughter unintentionally.
What I'm trying to say is that you need to take a step back - couldn't you just be cool on this one. Chill out. She wasn't breaking the law. She bent the truth a bit. We've all done it. Why didn't she tell you about the party? You might have embarrassed her, you might have decided you want to join the party.You might have insisted that in exchange for permission, she'd have to let you in on her world, essentially stripping herself of her privacy. You may have said no.
Good luck with your relationship with your daughter.
P.S. if you do have it out with her - don't assume the guy was her boyfriend, it never goes down well. (sorry for this being so long)
Peace.

Answer 2

There's no reason for you to not have the right to talk to your daughter and confront her about her lying and dishonesty. Just go up to her and say why are you doing all this. I really think that you should just confront her about the lying and boyfriend, but for the type of clothes and music that she wears, that's just a phase. Trust me. I was 12 last year and I went through a phase where I wore my hair a certain way and now, I realize that it was only fun for me that time and now, I'm embarrassed at what happened. Future Advice: When you feel your daughter is coming out of that phase, assure her that embarrassment is all part of life and it's really not that bad. Anyway, Just confront her about the boyfriend and lying thing and try to listen to her point of view. If she doesn't say anything, you cannot just let her go. It'll just make her do the same things over again. If she doesn't open up to you, say that she has to tell you or you can't trust her anymore and she will have to stay at home. Show her that you mean business and she'll have to obey. Girls at that age may show braveness to contradict what you are saying, but they will follow your rules. Be strong. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Your daughter is just growing up. Give her a talk, and compromise things with her. She's probably feeling like you're not letting her growing up properly, so she's doing things that you'll never allow her to do in secret. Compromise things like, she can go on dates, but only a group date with friends. Or that she can go to movies with a boy that are not PG-13, and if it is, you have to see it first.

Let her know that you'll always be there for her, and treat her with lots of love.

Confront her by casually going up to her and saying something light and casual about your pre-teen to teenage years. Tell her stories about things you did when you were her age. She'll hopefully crack and tell you stories about things that she did. Casually lead the converastion to the chaotic time when you caught her at the party. say,"That was one wild night." or something that doesn't sound angry. Ask her about the boy she was kissing. To make her feel more comfortable, tell her about a special boy that you liked. When this is done, get up and go away. When she asks you to go to a movie again, tell her the rules. Make sure you know what she's doing. When she's going to a party, ease your grip, let her go, but make sure that there is at least one parent in the house. That parent doesn't have to be supervising, just there.
Good luck, and have fun with your daughter!

Answer 4

This is not easy.

Your child is clearly growing up. She gets interested in a lot of things - sex, boys - smoking and alcohol will be next.

Unfortunately, she understands very well that you are incapable to cope with this.
It is your attitude that makes her hide these things. You may think that repression will keep her ignorant and innocent. It doesn't. The only thing that happens is that she (tries to) make sure you don't find out.

If you want to stray further away from your child, widen the gap: Tell her you followed her and forbid her lots of things. That way she'll be more careful next time - about you finding out.

I think you need to buy and read a book on communicating with teenagers, and fast.
Your good intentions are destroying the fragile communication that's left, and the next time you find out something it may be too late.

Communication is key. Take her development seriously, because as long as you keep pushing her to remain a docile toddler, she will wriggle away.

Answer 5

I would stay you need to start taking charge and evaluate the situation for what it is. You are the parent, you are the reason for her being able to survive on a day to day basis. You are the mentor and the voice of reason. As a parent its your job to make sure she grows up into a responcible adult. I say you start cutting out the passive approach and give head first into this issue. Ask more questions, be more forceful and back up your attitude with negative renforcements for the child.

Don't let up when she starts to rebel, the 12-15 stage is an awkward one so even if you feel like your doing something wrong, just remind yourself that your shaping your child to be the person you'd like you be represented by.

All in all, you run your kids, they don't run you, evaluate the situation for what it is, not how you feel.

Answer 6

As someone around her age, I say it's normal to go through that "Dark Phase". I went through it for about 2 years (when I was 11 and 12). I used to wear all black, listen to horrible music, act all depressing etc. etc. I say you let that one go, but make sure she doesn't go TOO overboard.

About the guy, I think that it's not normal to be doing those sorts of things, as she is only twelve. It's also wrong of her to constantly lie to you like that.

You need to tell her this. Tell her it's okay to have her own style, but it isn't okay for her to wear anything that is too tight or revealing. Tell her that it's NOT okay for her to be sneaking around with some guy ! Tell her she's only 12 and she doesn't need to be doing those things. Lastly, tell her that you don't appreciate her lying to you all the time. Make sure she knows that as her mother, you deserve RESPECT.

Try not to scream at her. Speak to her calmy and show her your point of view. Tell her how it makes you feel ! Tell her that it scares you to know that she's doing these things. Make sure she knows that you're not angry - you're frightened. Don't make it seem like you want her to be your little girl forever, just make sure she knows that you wish she'd do things that are a little more appropriate for her age.

Answer 7

I know you might not want advice from a girl around your daughters age, but what she's going through is becoming an individual. I know, it sounds stupid and immature, but that is really what is happening with your daughter. I went through that stage. She just wants to be her own person, and she's trying to find the style that suits her best (whether it be black, pink or any other choice). Another thing: the world has changed since you were younger, and although it might sound a little 'outrageous' to be making out at a movie theatre, you are lucky your daughter isn't making even worse mistakes. I know it hurts to hear this as a mother, but your daughter wants to be her won person, and might be looking for a chance to be taken seriousely.
Possibly, she is trying to fufill the freedom outside of the home that she might not get.
I find spying on her to be both responsible (as a mother) and stupid (as a mom). Trust me, if she ever finds out you spied on her, she will completely despise you for weeks on end (if she's as strong willed as others, maybe even months). Kids strive for privacy becuase our entire life had been sheltered and watched over.
My parents spied on me before, and i just recently got over it (it was three months ago). I know you feel it is your responsobility as a mother to watch over her, considering the minds of most teen guys, but as her "mom", you just need to ask her if she has a boyfreind and tell her that you thinks its fine to have a boyfreind, but to make sure nothing other than kissing happens.


you sound like a great mother, and i hope all goes well if you do talk to her.


DO NOT MENTION SPYING, OR THE MOVIE....whatever you do. then, she will not talk to you, and most likely she will rebel even harder against you.

Answer 8

i think you need to make the rules a bit more tighter or it wont have any affect at all, you tried giving her rules and it hasnt worked so be more tough on her and then see how that goes an as for the boy, i dont think you can stop them seeing each other but you can limit there time together by maing sure your daughter is always busy with you and just telling her she cant go out, so what if she has people waiting for her, if you want her to change make her chnage and her friends will have to wait, she'll soon realise you serious

Answer 9

Girls go through puberty supposedy quicker so her behavior surprisingly is normal I mean most kids dont go Emo/goth until hs so its a bit young but ya know us kids go through that stange we have that teen angst it'll be comin in her soon enough mam and ya know its all just the teen cycle we all go through right now im in that stage where im hanging out with my friends more then my family its really quite normal and when im older ill grow out of the stage and thats that.

Parents should monitor there childrens whereabouts but at the same time mam please let us express ourselves for i love who i am a skater.

Answer 10

I think she's young for all this, but it's not abnormal or trouble waiting to happen... she's finding herself and testing herself and trying to figure out who she is and what she wants... these are all things most teens will do. I was a handful as a teen but I turned out just fine... my parents let me explore and I never did anything wrong or got into trouble so unless she's skipping classes, doing drugs, coming home drunk... just tolerate it for now... it will pass.