Another Poem tell me how it is?

Question

My love where have you disappeared too
can't live without you
when we were togather
you filled my heart with such joy
and now you let me go and I have nothing left
in me
except for an old ugly scar
that never goes away
hurting so much inside
just wishing I would die
and go to the afterlife
So I can be free
won't anybody help me cleanse my soul
from all this hurt and pain
I guess not, I have no-one
as I get a gun and shoot myself
my blood dripping onto the floor
I thought of you and your betrayal
whimpering softly I gave my last breath
and I'm gone to the afterlife...

Answer 1

Once was a man who consumed his place and time
He thought nothing could touch him
But here and now it's a different storyline
Like the straw he is clutching

Why has the sky turned grey
Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder
And why has my life gone astray
Scarred by disgrace, I know that its over

Because I'm falling down
With people standing round
But before I hit the ground
Is there time
Could I find someone out there to help me?

Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head
Caught inside its own motion
How I wish it was somebody else instead

Howling at all this corrosion

Why did the luck run dry
Laugh in my face, so pleased to desert me
Why do the cruel barbs fly?
Now when disgrace can no longer hurt me

Because I'm falling down
With people standing round
But before I hit the ground
Is there time
Could I find someone out there to help me?

You see I'm falling down
With people standing round
But before I hit the ground
Is there time
Could I find someone out there to help me?
I don't know.... Why...

Answer 2

Didn't your last one end with "and I'm gone into the afterlife..." too?

This one doesn't move me at all. There are too many cliches (heart filled with joy, can't live without you, wish I would die, etc.) and it's another poem about a spurned teenager who thinks she wants to kill herself unless she can get her boyfriend back. I feel like I've read this all before. I'm sorry to be harsh, but this forum is about books and writing, and I have to assume you're looking for an honest critique of your writing here, in an attempt to improve it.

It's good that you're writing at all, but you will challenge your creativity much more AND, more importantly, learn how to express your true emotions in a much more real, complete way if you teach yourself how to avoid cliches. :) You are capable of writing poems with real impact and expression, but you won't learn how to do it by sticking with the easy, safe route, babe! :)

Do you read a lot of poetry? Published poetry, by serious poets? You should read as much of that as you can, and maybe even take notes as you read on what you think works well in each poem that you like. Then think about those notes and consider how you can apply those things to your own poetry. Maybe they're using metaphors that you've never heard of before, or maybe they're using a meter or style that really appeals to you. Or maybe their subject is something you've never considered writing before.

Finally, you keep writing poems about killing yourself because your boyfriend left you. If that's really how you feel, you seriously need to go to a doctor and get help. Because it's not normal to be *that* depressed over a break-up.

Answer 3

As far as poetry goes, it is more a short story than a poem as it doesn't use any imagery or metaphor or convey any comparisons. As a short story it has zap though.

Answer 4

Again, not bad, keep expressing your feelings dear, you will be fine! Happy Holidays!