what do you do when you your man wont listen about children or ex?

Question

my husband, evertime i try to talk to him about the holidays or his children coming over he ignores me or statrs a fight. I've tried to tell him that when he makes plans and i'm not consulted about it makes me upset. he even leaves work early if the kids are dropped of at his work because his ex is going to work. we don't have much money as it is due to child support except mainly for my check. he thinks i should just accept what ever . The bad part is when the kids come over they wont listen to me and if i say something to there dad he ask me why do i have to be such a *****. I have no controll at all when there at my home and my husband gives them money we don't have . the ex tells the kids i don't know why your dad dosnt help out . hes already giving half of his check to the ex she said in court its really hard raising kids on your own well if it is that hard why don't she work more than 20 hours a week? she isn't contributing at all toward the finicial end shouldnt she work 40 hour

Answer 1

Call Dr. Phil, you need more help than we can offer you.

Answer 2

Well, sounds like you have two different issues here:

Your husband needs to realize that you married him and, therefore, your opinion counts. You are now a part of his life, which includes his kids. He is treating you very disrespectfully and he needs a serious wakeup call. You should be included in all of the decision he makes for himself and with his kids, financially and in any other way., you're his wife!

As far as the ex goes, there isn't much you can do about that if your husband won't do anything. My fiance's ex tells the kids he doesn't give anything and he sends her $1300 a month! All you and he can do (once he understands that he has to include you and the two of you band together) is treat the kids the best you can and understand that, eventually, no matter what his ex says, they will see the truth for themselves. Once they are old enough, they will begin to really understand everything that you and your husband are trying to do to take care of them and his ex will look like a liar for acting like you weren't. Believe me, my fiance has gone through the same thing and now that his kids are 10 and 13, they are finally starting to see and understand for themselves.

Your husband is treating you terribly when you have taken on such a responsibility of his kids when you married him. You need to have a serious talk.

Answer 3

Well, honestly you knew he had kids before you married him and you two should have made some ground rules about his children before you got married. You really don't have a lot of options...you can either accept the situation as it is, you can attempt to talk to your husband and the ex together about the children and your concerns, or you can let the children & your husband do whatever and you make plans and live your life as you would like....if there is a conflict in the schedule..oh well, he can just stay home and get over it. Personally if they won't listen to you then let their father handle it all. You don't have to take them anywhere, buy them anything, or babysit them.....if they (the kids, the husband & the ex) aren't going to treat you with the respect you deserve then....do your own thing!!

Answer 4

You're experiencing many of the huge problems associated with marrying a man who has a previous relationship and children, especially when finances are tight.

You're in a difficult and frustrating situation, because you are dealing with issues that were ongoing before you even came into the picture.

Your husband still seems more emotionally wound up in his past than he is in his present and future with you. I don't mean that he should forget his children. A man in his position who remarries has to make a constant, conscious effort to strike a fair balance between two families, which is very difficult and most guys struggle with it, to some degree. However, your husband doesn't seem to be giving a lot of thought to your position. His attitude seems to be that he has enough hassle in life, and your job is simply to sit there silently, taking any disrespect from anybody in the family and supporting him whatever he does, even if it negatively affects you. He is falling into the mindset a lot of remarried guys do, which is to treat the new wife like a babysitter, instead of an equal partner.

Your problem is that no one is on your side, except you. Your husband just wants you to put up and shut up. His ex is quite happy to paint you as the money grubber who is taking all the money away from her kids. The kids are picking up on that, and are also angry that their parents divorced. They can't risk alienating mom or dad, so the only "safe" person to take their anger out on is you.

You have to rescue your self respect, because it is being pummelled. Try not to let your husband dominate the conversation, or cut you off. Say what you have to say. Make it clear that you are unhappy with his attitude, and that some new groundrules are going to be implemented. You have rights, too, and you are tired of being treated like an unpaid babysitter. You are not a babysitter, you are his wife. The house is not a daycare center, it is your home. It is outrageous that when you discipline the children, he calls you a *****. You have to present a united front to the kids, just like in any family.

You are letting yourself be run over. The bottom line is how much you want to stay in the marriage. You obviously want to see some serious changes, or you wouldn't have written your question. You have to tell your husband that if he can't get into the spirit of treating you as an equal partner instead of a servant, you two are not going to make it. The kids need to understand that your house has rules that must be followed, the same as with their mother.

Throw yourself into your work. Whatever happens, don't quit your job, and don't have a child of your own with your husband, until you resolve these serious issues. Protect your independence, because you may need it. Your problems are not going to work themselves out without your intervention, so find the courage to stand up for yourself. You are trying to do the right thing and you deserve respect.

Answer 5

Typical new wife syndrome. I bet we read this question 12 times a day. Why do women marry men who have already been married and have kids and then resent the ex for expecting the husband to take care of the kids. I don't know a court in the country that charges a father half his pay for child support. The law is 20% so stop exaggerating things. Maybe your husband is the one who needs to get a better job to support the responsibility he created before you ever came along. Jealousy is a powerful thing isn't it?

Answer 6

There isn't much you can do... You have two choices... Put up with it, or leave. You're never going to win when it comes to the kids, heck if I re-married (of course I'm not getting divorced, so this is a BIG if), that man is never going to be able to discipline my kids or really have any say... why? because I'M their parent, not him... As far as the ex, not much you can do there either... It is hard to raise kids, and if she is in hot water financially, she is choosing to try and live off of him before trying to get a full job, and all that does is hurt the kids... You can't change anyone but yourself....

So, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to stay and put up with it, which means no complaining.... or whining... OR, are you going to stop enabling him to get off work early, by providing your paycheck, so that she can also live off of it too, by leaving? You hold more cards than you think.

Answer 7

Surely you knew he would be paying child support before you married him? Surely you knew there would be an adjustment period between ALL of you as the children begin to learn to deal with the incredible pain a divorce causes THEM? Surely before you married this man you studied the effects of divorce on children and on everyone involved so that you would become better equipped to help the children comes to terms with their feelings etc?

Answer 8

The only advice I can offer is that you need to get into marriage counseling with your husband to learn how to communicate better. It sounds like your husband is being disrespectful to you and when his kids see that they do the same. He needs to understand how you feel when he says what he does and acts the way he does. Good luck. It sounds like it is going to take a lot of hard work.

Answer 9

Step #1...open an account in YOUR name only and have your cheque direct deposited to that account.
Step #2...transfer *half* the value of rent and utilities into the joint account and pay bills from this account ONLY.
Step #3...drop some money on a Lawyer to help you make arrangements to finacially separate your credit and finances from your husband so that he can't spend YOUR money on his kids and ex.
Step #4...be ready for a fight. This could even end-up ending your marriage.

Answer 10

You just have to smarten up and realize that it's his obligation to help out his first family, to do whatever he can for his children.
You knew about the situation when you married him, right?

Answer 11

divorce him!!!!!!! You are basically doing it on your own anyway! Talk to legal aid or some other cheap lawyer and get out. He's not gonna change and his kids are gonna be just like him. Leave while you can