Am i right to be angry with my father in law? What do yo think?

Question

Every year my husband gives his dad a birthday present and christmas present. My father in law never gives one back. We thought it was weird but we just figured he was being tight.

We got married last year and he didnt even get us a card to wish us well, even though we get on really well. Again we were a bit insulted, but didnt say anything.

This year my son was born, again, nothing. Its my sons first Christmas and his grandad didn't get him a card or a present (i know this for sure.) I dont expect him to spend lots of money but a small gesture would have been nice. He is quite well off so money isn't the problem.

I'm not usually materialistic, but i just feel insulted and a little worried about how i'm going to explain to my son when he is older why my parents make the effort and his other grandad doesn't even bother with him.

Answer 1

I completely understand. Sad thing is, sometimes nothing at all is better than what they could give you.

For my wedding, my mother in law gave us a $1.00 picture frame that said "Friends" on it from the Walmart dollar bin. I know, I saw it there. She should have kept her dollar.

Answer 2

I know how you feel. My mother in law doesn't even call to say happy birthday and when she did buy a cheap gift you had to hear about the candle she gave for the next 7 months so I no longer accept anything from her. My father in law although has gotten a lot better over the past year is tight with money. He is on the cheap side. I can say that he is some what like your fil but not that bad he did give us a wedding gift.

I have made it a point to invite my fil over for dinner and also to go out with us from time to time. That has really brought him around and he is now trying to reciprocate by either taking us for pizza or buying us lunch out. He is still on the tight side but has made an effort. I agree it's not about being materialistic. As far as your son goes have your husband tell his dad to have a relationship with his grandson. Play ball, go fishing do something with him because that he will remember more then the gift card.

Sometimes we have to accept people for the way they are.

Answer 3

I understand why you are upset. You don't expect expensive gifts but a thoughtful one would be nice, especially since it is his grandchild's first Christmas. The sad fact is that when some people have money, they find it difficult to spend it on others. I think you should ask your husband to speak to his father and simply ask him if he is getting his grandson a present. It does not have to be extravagant and over the top, but something would be nice. Seems a stingy old man to me but you have been patient with him and your husband obviously wants him in his life, understandably. He will have to be tactful though, because his dad may take it as you are just money grabbing but if he loves his son, he will understand where he is coming from, hopefully. At the end of the day, his grandson will feel neglected. Good Luck x

Answer 4

You cannot change another person, but you can make choices for yourself.

I myself do not give presents and expect to get presents given me back. I

When your children are older, you need not give negative comments to your children about this grandfather. If they notice as the years go on, that he doesn't seem to connect with them the way their other grandparents do, then you can do yourself and the children a favour by answering in a positive way. You could explain that this grandfather has never given presents to anybody but that he is just someone who has different ways. You can soften the blow, and make them not so upset, or you can turn on the negative stuff, and make them feel bad about their grandfather and make the situation worse.

It really is up to you and your husband. Don't negate the man, no matter what he is like, because in doing so you are creating more of a problem for you and your children.

I have a daughter, whose mother in law was very similar to this. She explained that their grandmother was different in her ways and that they should be loving towards her no matter how she treated them./ As they grew older they found out for themselves what this lady was like, but did not feel hurt or upset, they just said "Well that is Grandma, and it is her problem that she has never wanted a true relationship with us. I feel sorry for her".

You can soften the blow in this situation or you can create a feeling of resentment, it is up to you.

Answer 5

You are right to be angry with your father in law. You get out of family life what you're willing to put into it and his behaviour is a little strange to say the least. He doesn't have to spend an absolute fortune but just a token gift to show he cares. I'd be livid myself - it's not about the monetary value but just showing someone you're thinking of them and they're wished well. I think your husband is perhaps unsure of how to tackle this situation, and I quite understand. Really I dont know what you can do about it - your father in law needs to get a grip.

Answer 6

Does he "not bother" or just doesn't give cards and presents ? Because there is a difference. Most men are not into buying cards and gifts ,etc. and in the spirit of giving...you are not supposed to expect gifts in return when you give them. Just get past all of this and enjoy having a grandfather and father in your lives, many people do not have either.

Answer 7

I think the best thing would be for you and your husband to talk to your father-in-law and tell him how you feel, to his face, but without sounding offensive. Perhaps he's not being stingy... perhaps he just doesn't know how he's supposed to behave. Is your child his first grandchild? And is your husband his only/oldest child? Maybe he just needs a prod in the right direction.

If the above scenario isn't true, and your husband is not his oldest/only child and your child is not his only/first grandchild, then yeah, I guess he's just being tight. But try talking to him first and finding out what's really the matter.

Best of luck :)

Answer 8

Sounds like my father - athough when I fly over to see him he does give us all gifts but never sends cards or presents or acknowledges my or my kids birthdays.
I accept it and keep sending cards to him.
It is your decision to send cards and gifts - you can't expect reciprocation.
I doubt if he means to be hurtful - just go with the explanation to the kids in the answer above - good advice.
You can;t go on feeling upset about this, make a decision to continue as you are or to stop giving.

Answer 9

That's a fact you have to accept. Parents are not the same. Maybe they are not really into giving gifts but that doesn't mean they don't care or love you. At least you have your own parents who would make good grandparents. Dont worry about it. Raise your kids well and teach them to give elders care and respect. Who knows, your son might be their favorite.

Answer 10

Wow. he is an immature piece of crap. He should not punish his child because he has to pay support. I mean, that is his child, so he should step up, pay and be a part of his life, not just a lousy sperm donor. Was his dad involved in his life> i cannot believe his family would support his acting this way! I think you need to speak to his parents and ask what the F is wrong with their son. I am sure he was not raised this way. You need to kick his ***!! lol Good luck, i hope it all works out for you. I have 2 kids, and am married. I would NEVER let my relationship with my ex or the amount I have to pay in child support interfere with seeing my kids.

Answer 11

i understand your annoyed but try not to let him get to u continue getting him presents and smile when he gives nothing back.....explain to your son not everyone gives presents and thats not what xmas is all about and he maybe he wont be so disappointed but i'm sure what he gets off other people will more than make up for it....as for the father in law he does sounds like all take and no give on many levels its his sad problem...dont make it yours buy spending anymore time thinking about it....merry xmas xx