I have been dating a man with 2 children(ages 3 and 9) for almost 3 years. Over this 3 years I have helped him thru addiction and recovery. He has also been diagnosed bipolar and is being treated with medication. Early in the relationship he was secretly talking to other women. But I after he got on the road to recovery(about a year and a half ago) and started taking meds I thought that was all behind him. I have found out that he has joined match.com and other personals websites as recently as September. I have had enough eventhough I love him still. I travel alot with my job so the kids see me come and go...but what do I tell them now that I am not coming back? I am the most stable person in their lives(this includes their own family) so it really pains me to leave them. Any experience with this or advice?
2007-12-20 20:09:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
as a child of these circumstances, i would say yes. children do not come with the reasoning of an adult to understand adult problems. i saw many of my father's girlfriends come and go and only heard one side. if you tell them why you are leaving leave out any personal feelings about their father. do not say that he is cheating on you or a bad person. you can tell them something like you have an important job that requires you a lot of the time and you cant give the time the kids need. i know that might sound like a lie but it's kinda true. it sounds like you are out of energy to deal with what is going on in this home and you can't give the children what they need. you dont need to go into detail at all. the children may be sad at first but they will respect that in the long run you considered them important enough to let them know. maybe you nad their dad can hep explian it to them . but make sure you each agree on what is going to be said and the reasons. it shard for the kids but i imagine it is difficult for you too. remember that you need to look out for yourself as well. good luck.
2007-12-20 20:38:55 · answer #1 · answered by lalie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I told my boyfriends kids why i was leaving. Keep it simple.
I told them that their dad and i just didn't have the glue to stay together and that i loved them very much. But that it wasn't there fault what so ever. Just sometimes people done always have the right glue.
I would asked the father if you feel comfortable with it, if you can stay in their lives. Dont just drop off the face of the earth forever and not talk to them it can send kids in to a tail spin.
I was lucky, my boyfriend and i got back together and have now been married for 3 1/2 yrs and today is our 7 yr anniversary of being together.
2007-12-20 20:51:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-12-18 06:14:07 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They deserve and explanation especially if you are the only person who has really been there for them .Just help them to understand while you care about them you just can't work out the problems you have with their father. Of course the little one may not understand as well...Just make sure they know it isn't their fault...I would also speak to the other adults in their lives if you are worried about them.Let the family know they need a strong female role model and if the guy has all the problems you say I really think someone needs to be around to make sure he doesn't fall back completely.
2007-12-20 20:40:15 · answer #4 · answered by cherrypandas 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
even though you and their father didn't work out, is it possible for you to at least remain on friendly terms just enough for you to still be in the kids lives?? a really good friend of mine helped her ex who was a single dad (has joint custody with bio-mom) raise his son from age 1 to age 4...although they broke up she still spends a lot of time with his son. the child is now 9 and still visits her one or two weekends a month even though she's in a new relationship and he's remarried. hunter is well adjusted, knows who is mom is, and calls my gf his aunt even though he knows she really isn't. all parental figures (mom, dad, step mom, step dad, aunt steph and uncle brian) get along and even get together for family gatherings (birthdays, holidays). for hunter, it's just more people that love him.
if this isn't an option, then considering their ages, yes, i think they should be told why you will no longer be in their lives, but not in detail. just tell them that you and their daddy have decided to go separate ways because you don't agree on certain things. make sure to let them know its not because you don't love them. maybe even make sure they have your phone number and are welcome to call you if they need to talk or need advice about something.
2007-12-21 00:01:58 · answer #5 · answered by 4Xthe fun 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three years is a long time...as far as the younger child is concerned, you've just always been there! I'd definitely tell them that things haven't worked out with their daddy and you won't be around anymore...but without saying anything bad about daddy. Kids think as follows: dad=jerk, I came from dad=I'm a jerk. Please make sure these children know it is not because of anything they did and that you care about/love them very much. Just disappearing isn't a good option for these kids...they need closure.
Alternatively, have you thought of trying to stay in their lives on a limited basis? My own daughter had a wonderful stepfather who remained in her life after my divorce from him and well into her adulthood. Sadly, he passed away this year...as far as she is concerned, she lost her dad. He was family to her just as much as me.
2007-12-20 20:30:06 · answer #6 · answered by Stephanie K 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Oh yes i have experience with a boyfriend who was totally obsessed with dating sites... and probably still is...
I do believe you could let the children know you and their father are splitting up, and that you still care deeply for them...it wouldnt be fair or right for you to disappear without a word.
It's not their faul that they have an idiot for a dad/
2007-12-20 20:17:19 · answer #7 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just let them know that you will always be there for them, if they need you. They might not understand, but if it were me.. I would try to keep some contact with them.. just to ensure that they are doing all right. You leaving, might cause a kind of relapse in the father, which would not be good for the kids.
2007-12-20 20:58:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell them what?
That their daddy cheated on you? No
That you & their daddy have decided that you are not in love and are going to stop dating so that you can each be free to find someone to share your life with who you love? Yes, sure. They have the right to know who's going to be in their lives, to say goodbye to someone before they go & to mourn the loss if they wish.
2007-12-21 01:25:57 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't need to tell them why you aren't coming back, but you surely have to tell them that you wont. This is one of the situations where a little white lie is allowed.
2007-12-20 21:43:21 · answer #10 · answered by Carpe Diem 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋