i really am despairing at my life - what do i do ?

Question

with no easy, quick solution in sight either.

life really is hell for me....i live alone in a one bedroomed flat, on sickness benifit.

im a 30 year old borderline personality sufferer.....ive isolated myself and only go out when i have to.....to pay bills.....do shopping etc.

ive missed important appointments for assesments for psychotherapy due to bad anxiety and panic..............now theyve discharged me and i have to re refered again.

my life feels it will never go anywhere, im trapped here in this tiny flat...ill never go anywhere.

i have very low self esteem...im clingy...not self assured....ive never ever made any friends in life....never been in a relationship.
im always rejected online by people i try to make connection with.....i think they sense my desperation.

i have physical worries : ive aged in the face badly...im overweight, get thirsty alot...worrying if i have diabetes.....i have 2 missing teeth...torn ankle ligaments..i can easily go over & twist my ankle

my joints are weak, tired and aching....i have a crooked little finger
due to an injury.

ive made no connection with anyone literally in life. no relationships.

i feel neglected, outcasted, abandoned by people. i feel isolated.

my life is a nightmare, its horrendous. and people everyone this time of
the year are all portrayed as being happy...contented.

i have no one except an aging mum....people always seem to feel sorry for me..
i feel like a lepor.
i own nothing......no posessions except an old dusty computer.

im full of bitterness, hate and anger, and why shouldnt i be ?

look at my excuse for a life.

all ive ever known is pain, rejection, bullying, victimization, sexual abuse.

while everyone outthere is happy, living it up.

Answer 1

Your life really seems to have hit rock bottom but, without wanting to sound mean, you seem to be wallowing in self pity at the moment (although not without good reason). You really need to take back control of your own life.

You've been asking the same handful of questions on here for at least 6 months now, and you've had some really good advice, yet you don't seem to have taken any of it on board, even from the ones you selected as best answer. You don't seem to have done anything to help yourself and your situation. People on here can only offer the same advice so often before they'll realise it is being ignored.

I wish there was some easy way that all your problems could be solved and that you could obtain your goals, but life just isn't that simple. Life is unfair I'm afraid. Some people find it easy and breeze through life, while others struggle. My life isn't great, I've got schizoaffective disorder, I've been on sickness benefits for the last 10 years and haven't been able to do any paid work, I live in a small room in a shared house, but I try and not let that stop me having a life. I've been to college, do some voluntary work and generally keep busy. If you are in contact with your local mental health team, could you not ask them if they have a day services program. They may run activities and groups you could attend, which would get you out of the house and might make some friends.

As many people have suggested, you really need to get therapy for BPD. There's a huge queue for therapy on the NHS because it's so in demand (and it works). Next time you get offered it, could you not get a taxi there and back if you can't face public transport? Personality disorders are notoriously hard to treat because people are reluctant to change and find reasons not to. You really need to be totally committed to changing for any treatment to work. From your messages on here you seem to know what your problems are and want to change, yet seem powerless to do anything about them. The only person who can really change your life around is YOU. Psychiatrists and therapists can help along the way, but you need to take control of your own life.

Leading on from your questions yesterday, I wouldn't dwell on the fact that internet contacts have lost touch with you. Most people seem to come on Answers for a bit of light relief, and lately you've been coming accross as increasingly depressed and aggressive. Remember also that many people in the 'mental health' section probably have their own problems. I've been using the internet for over ten years and email contacts come and go, but I've never yet had an email contact turn into a real friendship.

Again, I hope this hasn't come across as sounding attacking or patronising. You sound like a nice guy who is just incredibly down at the moment. Please try and get the therapy you need. I've had it and it really does work.

Wishing you a much better 2008.

Answer 2

1. You need to stop telling yourself things like "I'll never go anywhere." That's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy." If you keep saying it, then that's what you've decided and that's what you're stuck with.

2. You are obviously miserable with your life as-is, so do something about it. Find whatever there is inside of you that can motivate you to do something different. You're the only one that can change you or your life, so start here and now.

3. I'd say to start with what you've written here. Look at your rants and think about each specific problem one by one. Why is this not good enough? What do you want instead? What can you do about it? Hopefully this will give you enough desire to start making changes.... it just starts with one thing, one time... and you go from there.

4. Until you get into some kind of therapy, start keeping a journal. Spill all your feelings, all your hopes, all your pains, etc. onto the pages. Sooner or later, instead of just writing about being miserable, there will be a change... a small one at first, but it can grow from there.

As for "easy solutions," most things in life don't have easy answers, if they had easy answers, they wouldn't be problems, would they? If you're miserable, then do something about it, don't just accept being miserable and whine helplessly about it. That gets you nowhere... and yes, it turns people away from you because nobody wants to listen to endless complaints with no effort to end your own misery. Your life is in your own hands, and the answers are there too, you just have to find a shred of hope to believe it and do something different.... today.

Answer 3

In response to the answers "Get over it". that comment can only come from someone who has never suffered from or has known anyone with personality disorder or any other form of mental health issue.If it was that simple everyone could do it.Its not and its a hard long road and a vicious circle that you cant get out of.Yes if you get proper help and medication its possible, but you have to be able to get that, and sometimes its a very scary prospect and as much as you want to do it, its never that easy. Its very easy for us all to say oh just get a grip or get over it, but it took me 23 years to even acknowledge I had a mental health issue and when I finally did, its a continual struggle.Logic and action do not always go together. All I can say to you my friend is just hang on in there, there are a lot of people out there in your posistion, of been scared, lonely, no where to turn, you are not alone for sure. This helps you little, but right now in your frame of mind I dont think whatever I say will make you feel any better or happier.So I continue to say, be as strong as you can, take one day at a time, and it does get better trust me. The anger subsides, the helplesness gets lower and things do improve. Been desperate is a horrible feeling as is everything else you feel on a daily basis. I dont feel sorry for you as I know you would hate that, but I do know how you feel and there is a whole world of difference between the two. xx

Answer 4

My dear Count, it is so painful to read your repeated posts about the dire state of your life.

I would like to make a few suggestions to you. Firstly, check out the information and contacts on the two main UK websites for BPD - Borderline UK at http://www.borderlineuk.co.uk/ and BPD World at http://www.bpdworld.org/ As these are websites run by and for people suffering with BPD, I think you will not suffer the same rejection there as you have from others who do not understand and therefore find it harder to tolerate the demands you make (through your desperation - I'm not using the word 'demands' in a critical way).

Secondly, next time you have an appointment for a psychotherapy assessment, do everything in your power not to miss it. ASK your doctor if there is anyone who could help you by accompanying you, taking you, to that appointment. Are you in contact with a CPN? If so, perhaps they would do that. Getting into psychotherapy is so absolutely the most important and helpful thing you could do from here. All the energy you have needs to go into planning to get that happening.

Given how serious everything is for you, I would also suggest you talk to your doctor about the possibility of referral to a therapeutic community. I don't know where in the UK you are, and provision is patchy and getting patchier. The ideal, most wonderful, place would have been the Henderson Hospital in Surrey which took people from all over the country for long-stay residential work - specifically for BPD issues. And now, because of the changes in funding in the NHS, it's not getting the referrals from out of county and the local NHS Trust is closing it. A disaster. But there are still others. Look at http://www.therapeuticcommunities.org/info-tcuk.htm which gives you information on how to apply for a place through your GP. This is likely to take a long time and feel scarey. But given how difficult it is for you to organise your life and make changes, this is an ideal context for you. Very, very tough but with superb results.

Good luck. I know you really do need it if things are to change. Please do ACT on what I've suggested before you give up again.

Answer 5

Wow, you're all about the despair, huh?

Would you want to be friends with you? Probably not. I don't say that to be mean, I say that to make a point. You're so self-absorbed that everything is about you. Here's what I'd suggest: why not start answering other people's questions instead of asking them? Try to build up your self-esteem by being knowlegable. Also, replace your avatar with a human face, don't think of yourself as a dog.

Call up a nursing home and ask if someone needs a friendly caller. Call them 3-4x a week and ask about them. Become their phone buddy. You'll learn that other people have worse problems than you. You need to get outside of your head, stop thinking of yourself and your own problems.

You've got a pity party going that it's hard for you to imagine that you could be well, but it sounds like everything wrong with you has been blown up to be huge. Yes, your ankle is bad, but you can still build up your arms through exercise. OK, your teeth are missing, but you can get dental work. You really need to figure out how to start living life: you're too young to be dying.

Answer 6

I think it's very easy for all healthy people to give you all sorts of clever answers, such as 'pull yourself together' etc.
Ask if you could have your appointments with your therapist at your flat instead. If you have anxiety about going outside of your flat you may miss other very important appointments later on. In the meantime, perhaps you could start making some money somehow using your computer/internet connection. Perhaps with the money earnt you could get yourself a private therapist... You obviously need to get your anxiety disorder sorted out first, so that you can go out! Once you are able to go out and make it to appointments, you can then sort out your ankle problem, get your teeth done, have your diabetes checked etc.
Again, in the meantime, you could go exercises at home in your flet if you are worried about being overweight.
Good luck!

Answer 7

I feel for you. You are certainly in a very bad space with life right now. I have a suggestion. Join a main stream - christian church. Eg a Baptist church. You will meet empathetic people and be able to join home groups (that meet once a week for coffee and a chat) etc.

Don't worry too much about whether or not your believe in the faith - many people join churches for support.

Well that's one suggestion and frankly you have nothing to lose by trying and loads to gain. So I reckon you should give it a go and see if it helps.

Take care

Answer 8

Hello,

(ANS) You are clearly overwhelmed by your feelings, and because you have become isolated you fear contact with other people. But this closes the circle and means that ALL your problems loom very large, you only have yourself and your problems, you only focus on yourself and how aweful things feel.

**I feel so sad for you, so sorry that you have given up on the psychotherapy because with the support of the therapy you might have been able to see things in a different light. I sincerely feel you have made things much harder for yourself by dropping the therapy.

**I would like to gently challenge you here in this posting, you have only focused on ALL the negative things in your life, only mentioned what you don't like about yourself, only mentioned what you feel is missing from your life. I would say this ISN'T the whole picture here? I would ask you what do you like about yourself, I know there must be something no matter how small it might be?? I would ask you to write down a list of things you do like about yourself and what you might have to offer others. I want you to focus on something positive about yourself because right now all your doing is believing your own negative beliefs.

**YES! you may be feeling very stuck I accept that but you can change things, they can be different, again I challenge you about this. You may be feeling very dis-empowered right now again I can accept that but the therapy you could have helped you to find your sense of power (but you have closed this path off).

Go back to your therapy if you can, in the new year as I am sure this will be your best option.

Right now you should be as kind as you can to yourself, try NOT to be alone if you can. Try to stop focusing on all the negatives try to see something positive about yourself.

Kindest Regards Ivan

(trained counselor & ex therapist)

Answer 9

You do have something in your life, YOU. Stop neglecting it.
No one has anything in their life unless they put it there.
If you are going to wallow in self pity, what are you going to get?
I'm not coming to find you and make you my friend. If you want friends go out and find them. You can start by admiring the ability of others to do what you can't do, make friends. In other words, when you do try to meet people, no matter how difficult it is for you, if people give you a chance, it is hard for them too. But they give it a try. When you do make an effort, appreciate people.
You have a right to be angry, with yourself.
YOU have to take life by the balls. YOU have to live it. Stop taking the easy way out by blaming others, get your act together and LIVE.

Answer 10

You've gotta get a grip. You're biggest problem is self pity. If you want people to help you you've got to first help yourself.I don't want to sound hard but all the problems you list you can sort out easily. Missing teeth, overweight, dodgy ankles. You're hardly unique. Pull yourself together, smartent yourself up, loose a bit of weight and put a smile on it albeit with a couple of gaps. Then treat tomorrow as a new start. There are plenty of people out there with far less than you.