How do you deal with an emotionally unavailable man?

Question

A month into my relationship, my boyfriend stated that he never wants to fall in love again because of all the pain it has caused him before. (He has been burned, haven't we all?) But I didn't run, because at the time I wasn't looking for anything that serious anyway and I figured he would warm up to me. But now I'm finding it harder and harder to get him to open up at all, about anything. Instead of telling me things, he closes off and doesn't call for a few days. I am starting to care about him, but everytime he pushes me away I become so discouraged. I just want to change his perspective of women and reassure him that I won't be the one to hurt him, but I don't know how to do that without scaring him away even faster. Is he a lost cause? What can I do?

Answer 1

Trust me sweetie you're fighting an uphill battle. I'm speaking from experience. People can only change their selves. I think you'll find that he will back off the more involved your relationship gets. He's got issues. People deal with past relationships differently some can bounce back and some will dwell. I think you need to be asking yourself why I feel the need to be with someone who is not available. Perhaps you simply want to help, but I think it goes deeper. Be a better friend to yourself and back off. Don't look at it as a lost cause you have feelings for him and things aren't going for you as you want them too and that is very disappointing. I can't imagine that this can be very much fun for you. This will probably not grow into a healthy relationship for you two. Don't be unfair to yourself.

Answer 2

I know the type of person your boyfriend is. Very well, in fact. His dysfunctional behavior will only magnify in time because he is void of intimacy. If you can look back into his past, you will clearly find out the cause of his lack of emotionalism. It is about his parents, abandonment issues, abuse and feelings of no self worth. He pushes everyone away because he feels no one can love him. I bet he is beginning to lose his friends if that has not already been happening. I bet he is not close to his family either, huh? This is not about you. It is about him. Nothing you have done or can do will change his personality. This is who he has always been and this is who he will continue to be. You knew something was wrong all along but you just realized, after two years, what it was. Now that you know, you are wondering what you should or should not to to get on or off that emotional roller coaster which he has the controls to. I am going to be blunt: Get off the emotional roller coaster because it is just going to make you dizzy. Now and in five years from now. This is what you got; an emotionally unavailable boyfriend. But, you looooooove him, right? Well, one day you will have had enough of this nonsense you call your relationship and you will pack up and leave. The real question is: will I do this now and save myself years of grief or will I endure more grief until I decide it is then time to leave? Pick one, because, sweetheart one or the other IS going to happen. Take control and begin an exit strategy or grin and bear it and be unhappy.

Answer 3

I say date others, when he calls 2 or 3 days later and says what are you doing, tell him your getting dressed to go out and you don't have time to a talk right now, hang up and don't pick up when he calls back. when he calls the next day and begins to question you just tell him he doesn't need to worry about you. you re a big girl and can go places without him, besides he set up the ground rules. He will either ask you out or not call again for a few days. Stop hanging on to his every word. If he cares, he will work at keeping you, if not then you are free to fall for the many other guys you are dating.

Answer 4

If you cannot accept him just the way that he is, you better start thinking about ending things. In his defense he did tell you at the start how he felt. I am sorry but when the right girl comes along, he will change if you were the right one he would have changed. This isn't because you are not a good person, or that he is a cad, it is just that you two are not right for each other. I hope that this helps, I have been there.

Answer 5

My second boyfriend was a great man, but he was also emotionally unavailable, What I did was SHOW him that I cared, not say, he seemed to be better with actions instead of words when it came to showing affection. So just be there for him, SHOW him how you feel, and silently encourage him to do the same, but if he still doesn't respond then leave, because you are wasting your time and probably deserve better. :)

Answer 6

My advice is pretty simple. You can't pry open a closed heart and why would you want to? There are plenty of men who are ready, willing and able to Love. You will be hurt in the long run so move on before you get sucked into this drama any further.

Answer 7

Why are you waiting for him to change? yes maybe hes been hurt. but you shouldnt feel the burden of his broken relationships from the past. you deserve to be with someone who isnt afraid to show you how he feels. please stop wasting your time. you know your better then this. sure he might be a good guy....but hes not good for you right now. hes not emotionally available as you said. tell him you think its best if yall are just friends because you are on different pages and move on.

Answer 8

You'll be doing this forever. I hardly doubt the way he is acting is due to being scorned. He probably has some kind of social disorder and has explained it away with some bull$h!t excuse like 'getting hurt'.

Simply put, he wants to be alone- let him. You don't want to be alone- don't. You can't order sushi at a steakhouse. So stop trying to get hot meat at a cold fish bar!

Answer 9

you may not like this answer, but i think you should step back and let this guy get over whatever he is going through. By now he obviously see you are not hurting him, but you should realize that its not what you do, its what someone else did, and u cannot undo that, its something he has to be will to let go of on his own, he may need some counseling

Answer 10

well one thing that i've learned is that you can't change the person you're in a relationship with. how long have you been together for? maybe you just need to give it some more time.