What do I do about my mother in law?

Question

I always have Christmas eve at my house with the in laws. Like always my mother in law doesn't care about the kids.She doesn't call for birthdays or show up for the parties. She never brings anything for the two little ones either. OK no big deal well this year we had a death of a newborn(her great grand daughter)she never even called,sent a card or flowers to her grand daughter. She also never showed at the funeral.My husband always defends her thats the way she is. How do you think I should handle this when she shows up like the loving grandmother she is NOT.?I am so mad that she acts likes this. Maybe I should just play it up like we really don't care,but it hurts us and expecially the kids.

Answer 1

Embarass her. Buy gifts for the little ones and put her name on them as if they're from her. Buy her really cheesy gifts that show absolutely no thought or caring and label them from the kids. (Like a boxed toenail/fingernail clipper set and other assorted nonsense.)

As for the thoughtless way she seems to forget your family the moment she is not around them, I would make jokes around her about how when she's too senile to take care of herself, it will be a shame that she isn't closer to the rest of you, since that means she will have to be put in an old folk's home.

Maybe she'll get it.

Answer 2

Oh dear, she sounds like a real cold hearted beatch. However, I do not know the woman's background , maybe she never received love and does not know how to give it. There are reasons for why people are like they are. It is Christmas, you say she never shows up all year for anything, but does for Christmas. Does she bring the kids gifts then and act like the wonderful grandma....probably just a show, however, you need to be a better person than her. Treat her cordially and bite your tongue. You could always dig out some pics of the kids at their birthday party that she missed, maybe it will make her feel like a real chit, but I doubt it, but that would be a good way to get a dig in, especially if other people are around " Oh here are the pics of the kids b-days that you could not be at" and smile, like you are trying to involve her in their lives when you are really throwing it in her face.
Personally I would want to punch her as I am sure you would, but you need to be the person she is not and do not let her spoil the holiday.
Advice---let your hubby defend her--- don't argue about it, it is a no win battle, don't even bring it up, she is not worth the effort/arguement, you don't need a rocky relationship with your hubby over his mother, your family is your kids, you and your hubby and if she does not want to be a part of it , her loss.

Answer 3

First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss.

As far as your mother in law goes in no way am I defending her behavior but I have accepted that not all woman can be a mother, grandmother. Not all father's can be a dad, or a grand parent. Even thought there is something mentally wrong with her that she is so inept to acknowledge the death of a new born sorry to say you can not change her. Your husband sweeping it under the rug doesn't help you either.
He is use to her behavior and you have to in a way feel sorry for him as look what he was raised by a cold hearted person.

I would prior to Christmas Eve ask her if she was aware of the funeral and ask why she did not go or call. I would tell her you have let go she doesn't acknowledge your children's birthdays, school plays etc. but what kind of a person dismisses the death of a grandchild.

I would be upset as well but would no way play it up like I don't care she would not be spending Christmas Eve with me

Again I am sorry for your loss. .

Answer 4

I have a Grandmother who is very similar...but she shows up for the parties showing off her new jewelry and then forgets to buy the kids a present.
As a Grandchild, I learned to deal with it, I don't mind when she forgets me, but it makes me very angry when she deliberately hurts my mother or my aunt.
I think you need to decide what it's worth to confront her. One one hand you would get to tell her exactly how you feel and it may make you feel better. And she would know that what she is doing is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it anymore. .
On the other hand you telling her could mean a huge fight between you and your husband and no real change in her behavior.

If you do confront her I think maybe you should do it in a less then threatening or angry way....maybe letting her know how hurt her grandchild was that she never called or came to the funeral (I'm so sorry for what your family has been through). Give her the big guilt trip.

I hope she gets better, but as someone who has seen the mean side of grandparents, I don't know if she ever will.

Answer 5

To bad you didn't ask this question last week.

What I would do this year, is talk to your husband and tell him you aren't doing the Christmas Eve with the In laws this year, that you are just not up to it. Tell him you are exhausted, tell him anything then make him call his mother and tell her.

Honestly, there is no excuse for your MIL behavior. She is a cold hearted, self centered b*tch, I am sorry to say.

I am also sorry for your loss, I would have been by your side the whole way. I am not joking, how dare her???

Christmas Eve is 4 nigjts from tonight. You better start getting sick real quick.

Get yourself through Christmas without the In Laws this year, tell your husband you are depressed and miss your baby and you would just like to sit this year out. THEN HE HAS TO CALL HIS SELFISH MOTHER and tell her.

Go and see your parents on Christmas day if that is what you do. Just tell your husband after the kids open their presents you feel a little better and would like to get out, that is if your parents are local.


I think you're husband has to come up with something better than "that's just how she is". hey I have my own mother to contend with knowing "that's just how she is" and I dissolved my relationship with her 9 months ago.
She is MY mother and I won't tolerate her selfish, only thing that matters is HER attitude any longer.

So, you have every right to make this an offical NO IN LAW XMAS EVE Year...Take this off from her, just seeing her face would want to make me put rat poisen on her food.
Just kidding but you know what I mean?

good luck to you, try and have a happy holiday and once again I am sorry for your loss ~ Please just tell your husband and stay firm.......she can come over a few days later since she brings the kids nothing anyway. What does she want? A free meal? Then tell her to go to the local churches, they offer free meals on Christmas Eve.....

Answer 6

It sounds like your husband owes you an explanation. You should question your husband regarding her past behavior when he was growing up. I think something in her past may contribute to her behavior.

I know you want to build a relationship and I understand your plight. Take wallet size pictures of your kids. Place them in a christmas card, with an extensive note.

In the card write down your concern about her relationship with her grandkids,,but write if though your kids have written it. Ex,
"Dear Grandma, why can we spend some time with you? We love you"

Do this and see what happens. What's more important now is that you make sure your family have a wonderful Christmas. God bless.

Answer 7

She is your husband's mother. Ask yourself will anything change if I confront her over her actions ? Will it make my husband , my children, or me feel any better about the treatment ? The answer is probably no , you can't change people...your husband is willing to just accept the way his mother behaves and my advice is so should you. Just accept the fact that she will never be the Parent, mother-in-law , or grandparent that you want and expect her to be and nothing you say or do will change that, but you also don't have the right to confront her and cause a separation between your husband and his family/mother, If he's willing to accept her for what she is so should you.

Answer 8

My MIL is similar although we've never experienced such a tragedy before either. If you hubby wont stand up there isnt too much you can do. You can let her know how you feel and how it makes the kids feel. You can try to explain your side of it - but with out the hubby's support.... who knows.

Frankly, I wouldnt invite her - again hard to do without the hubby backing you up. Best thing you can do is be the best possible hostess and smile like it doesnt matter. Talk to your kids as honestly as you can without putting grandma down. Maybe let them know that grandma loves them very much, but she has a hard time expressing it. Aside from that, enjoy your day with your kids and the rest of the family

Answer 9

It sounds like you're mad because you're interpreting her lack of giving as "not caring." Maybe she does care but shows it in a different way. How does she act when she's around your kids? Does she talk down to them? Insult them? Abuse them? These would be actual signs that she doesn't care. But just a lack of not giving doesn't necessarily imply that she doesn't care.

It is a little strange that she never showed up for the funeral. But maybe she was so emotional about it that she didn't want to show for danger of breaking up in front of everyone. There could be a number of reasons why she didn't attend.

Maybe you should have a calm chat with her to discuss how you are interpreting her behavior. She may be unaware that anything is wrong. Don't assume she is just uncaring, as she may have other reasons for her lack of actions. Try to find out what her point of view is, and convey to her how you would like her to act towards your family to convey that she is part of it.

Answer 10

Do you visit your Mom in Law? Do you ever have one on one time? Have you ever seen her when it was just you two? Old people are wierd. They're set in there ways. I wouldn't expect my Mom in law to come over and be all friendly if I hadn't taken the time to visit with her. My MIL was kind of cold to me too. She would look at me and wave her hand and address me as "who ever that is" But, I made it a point to stop by her house or call. I couldn't imagine being without her now. I think you need to start talking to her. As far as your loss goes, I'm sorry. Again, older people are set in their ways. Maybe she didn't know how to react to such a tragedy? Give her the benefit of the doubt and start being nice to her and finding ways to open the lines of communication.