Mother-In-Law HELL! Please help!?

Question

My husband and I are currently living with his parents, and I am having huge problems with my mother-in-law. Before my husband and I got married, I adored his mother and thought she would make a wonderful mother-in-law, but as soon as we decided we were going to get married, everything changed and she became the mother-in-law from hell. It started off with her trying to dictate every aspect of our wedding, but I won't go into detail about that or the multitude of other problems I've had with her because this will just end up being way too long. Instead, I'm going to ask for advice on a few of the most recent problems I have been experiencing with her. Before I do though, I think it's important to note my husband is an only child, and what I consider to be a momma's boy. Anyway, I'm 5'2'' and have always been skinny, around 100 lbs most of the life, but as with most people's weight, it fluctuates. My mother-in-law would constantly tell me how skinny I was and that I needed to gain some weight. I didn't really have a problem with my weight because I've always been petite and had a hard time gaining weight, but I wouldn't have minded gaining some because I felt I would look better if I did. Just recently, I managed to gain 10 lbs, so I now weigh 110 lbs, and now ALL I hear from my mother-in-law, every SINGLE time I see her (no exaggeration) is how much weight I have gained, and now, according to her, I have a ''belly'' and maybe I should go to the gym and work out because apparentely now I weigh too much. (I should mention she weighs a lot more than I do, and is overweight for her height) I'm so sick of being criticized by her! It's like I'm never good enough. Before I gained the weight I was too skinny and unhealthy looking, and now I weigh too much! There is no pleasing her. I honestly had no issue with gaining the weight, people have commented on how much better I look now, including my husband, but with her constant criticism I have developed somewhat of a complex about it. What really gets to me is the fact that when she makes these comments in front of my husband, he says nothing! He makes absolutely no attempt to defend me or tell her he thinks I look a lot better now. It's really hurtful and I feel so vulnerable when she makes mean remarks about the way I look because I'm too polite and respectful towards her to say anything back in my defense. I really wish my husband would get a backbone and say something to her. Whenever I make comments to him about her rude remarks, he just tells me I look good the way I am and don't need to lose any weight whatsoever. Why can't he tell his mother that? I really feel it's his place to say something. Another issue for her, is the paleness of my skin! I'm very pale and she constantly tells me I need to get a tan. I actually used to tan in tanning beds all the time, until I realized just how bad for your skin it actually is, so I stopped. I don't want to end up all leathery and wrinkled. And besides, my husband PREFERS pale skin so I don't need to tan to appease him anyway. My mother-in-law goes to extreme lengths, telling other people in the family to talk my husband into ''letting me tan'' first of all, my husband and I don't control one another, if I wanted to tan I would, but I don't want to destroy my skin or end up with skin cancer as a result of tanning, and I'm just lucky my husband happens to prefer pale skin over tanned. I just don't know how to approach this issue either. In this case, my husband does tell her he likes my skin the colour it is, but she still persists! It's none of her business and I wish she would realize that and stop interfering. This is getting pretty long, so I'm just going to ask advice for one final problem, even though I could go on for days. The other day, I had just got out of the shower and I was getting ready so we could go out. I was running behind so to save a little time I asked my husband if he would bring me a drink, and he agreed. When he returned with my drink, he sort of laughed to himself and said ''my mom said you need to start getting your own stuff, she said she always see's me getting drinks and things for you and you need to start getting it yourself'' First of all, it's none of her business what my husband and I do for each other! I don't interfere with what she and her husband do for each other, or anyother aspect of their relationship for that matter, so what gives her the right? Second of all, he doesn't get everything for me, I get things for myself most of the time even though I feel uncomfortable doing so since it's not my own home, and I also bring him things when he asks me to, so it's not like I'm lazy or that this is all one-sided, I simply asked him to bring me a drink because I was running late and didn't want to take extra time to do that, it's not like he was doing anything. It was this simple, little thing and she turned it into a huge issue. Usually I wouldn't have said anything in response to her comment he relayed to me, but this time I just exploded on my husband and said, ''I don't think that's any of her business! No one has the right to interfere in our relationship. What we do for each other is between us.'' He just kept quiet and didn't say anything, so I didn't talk to him again for several hours. She's constantly causing problems in our relationship and I just can't take it anymore. Please don't advise me to sit down with my mother-in-law and talk about how I'm feeling because there is no talking to this woman. She is impossible and I know for certain it would be a waste of time and just cause more problems and friction since I live with her. I'd be more inclined to say something and stand up for myself if we didn't live with her because I wouldn't be so worried about causing annimosity between us. And please don't advise my husband and I to move out because it simply isn't an option at this time. Believe me, if it was, we would be gone already. Please give any words of advice you may have on how to deal with this situation in regard to my mother-in-law and my husband, and anything else you feel may be helpful. Any words of advice/support will be highly appreciated. I hope these problems don't seem completely pety, they're just intensified for me because I have been dealing with her constant controlling, condescending, rude, patronizing ways for a year now. There have been many more major problems than this in my relationship with her, such as her trying to force me to convert to her religion, but I just picked a recent few that I don't know how to deal with. I'm losing my mind and I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to explode if I don't figure out how to handle this. Thanks!

Answer 1

Move out! To save your marriage and your sanity. Even if you have to live in a tent. She is not going to change, no matter what you do.

Answer 2

I would love to give you some good advice that will work. However the common sense answer you dismissed. You need to move out. You are 52 and I am sure you look great.
Why the heck would you marry a man to move in with his mother? A woman you already had problems with when planning the wedding (RED FLAG) You did not say how old he is but you should have your act together by now.

Bottom line, your mother in law doesn't like the idea of you free loading and living there. Sorry to be harsh but this is why she dose this to you. She enjoys her son and wants him to stay not you. Your husband is NEVER going to side with you against MAMA. What you see is what you get. If I was you I would be looking to better my life and be self sufficient so I don't have to live with people who abuse me.

Answer 3

I went out with a mummys boy once his mum used to come round everyday it did my head in.
His mother was a insecure person who had no confidance and lived her life through him, she did not have the guts to get out and have a life.
To be honest when i look back i should of walked away sooner he,s everso selfish cos his mum spoilt him and she is too dopey to relise this or cannot face up to it.
He should not tell you what his mother says about the drinks if he was any sort of man he would tell her to mind her own buisness.
she is critical cos she does not have any confidance or a life.
i hope you don,t end up like her though.
The reason i choose a mummys boy was because i was not used to getting love and attention in my background i had selfish parents and being around selfish people was normal to me it was the way i had been treated alot of my life. I hated it but when i had counselling i changed quite alot.
He might be enjoying the attention about him with you two women not getting along.
My concern is for your happiness and if I were you i would go and see a counsellor and have a good talk about things. Try to keep a distance from her and not see too much of her cos she is overbearing and gets you down.
He should be a man and say something to her. Perhaps he has always been dominated and finds it hard to get the confidance. Dont, take it stand up to her use I statements such as I do not agree or like that remark,
Your beautiful to God so it does not matter what she thinks she wants to look at herself arrogant that is finding fault in other all the time snottty people are insecure.
All the best stand up to her she wont like it and him tell him to stop acting the wimp all the best God bless and pray

Answer 4

Wow-how fast do you type? This has got to be the longest question I have ever seen on here !
Getting back to your questions, you don't say why the two of you are living with his parents. That is an issue in itself. As long as you both live in her house, she feels she has the right to dictate everything to you both and tell you what to do.

Second, you need to ask your husband if he's gonna get the nerve to say something to her, or does he want you to? I can understand a man not wanting to come between his wife and his mother, but he needs to get some backbone and put an end to this now. Or you should find somewhere else to live until he does.

Answer 5

OMG! I really want to help you to my fullest ability but I really don't have the time or energy to read all of that! Form what i read I agree that your mother-in-law isn't the nicest person my solution for you woul;d to move out nad start a fresh MARRIED life of your own where you can do as you please with your husband and without constant criticism and disrespect form this cruel woman. You need to be alone with your husband and should've to live by your self from the beginning of your marriage and I give you a belated congrats on your amrriage! May you have as many healthy children as you like, and amy you be able to support them genorously! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!! :)

Answer 6

Alright first of all, you two need to move out as soon as you can. Because these problems are going to keep building until it ruins your marriage. She tried to control you wedding because in her eyes you will never be good enough for her 'baby. Trust me on this one, that's never going to change and as long as your living under 'her' roof you'll never have any control over your marriage.
Secondly your husband not standing up for you is beyond bs, but he doesn't because he's a freaking momma's boy. Sooo, not ok. MOVE OUT NOW! Take control of your marriage if you want it to succeed in anyway.
Tell her that just because she's a tanner it doesn't mean you want to ruin your skin too, and that you would really appreciate her keeping her opinion about your weight to herself as you don't voice your opinion about hers. (my fiances mother does this **** to me all the time, only i'm short and chubbier and she's skinnier)
You need to tell your husband if he has any amount of respect for you that he needs to stand up to his mother and defend his wife. Because really, is he going to live with her forever? I don't think so, and once she's dead who's there? You. If he loves you at all he'll grow some freaking stones.
I know it's hard, but talk to him first then tell her as kindly as possible to take the tanning bottle and shove it where the sun don't shine, while she's on her freaking way to the gym!
Good Luck girl, it'll be alright. But you've gotta set boundries now.

Answer 7

First of all I am so sorry you have to deal with this! Please don't let your mom in laws issues become yours. Do yourself a favor and start talking and making your feelings known. If you approach in a way like this..... your comments really hurt my feelings. It takes the defensiveness out in your message. It makes the one making such crazy statements take ownership for hurting your feelings. Say it and let it be heard. Your husband sounds like he has been no help here. Make him understand your feelings.. and for gods sake.. don't put up with any abuse. Tell the biatch your feelings are hurt and make her understand that her statments are hurtful.. PS you state you are too polite to speak up? Why would you let someone be so rude to you and you just muck it up? Get a back bone... stand up for yourself. Nobody else will.

Answer 8

WOW!!! First of all, you aren't good enough and never will be because he is her ONLY child and her baby boy......
NO woman will EVER be good enough for him....at least in her eyes. However, you must realize that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH for him and that he is lucky to have you..... just like you are lucky to have him.

Since you can't move out right now.....you need to sit your husband down and talk to him. You need to let him know that you are sick and tired of dealing with his moms' crud and that HE NEEDS to sit her down and tell her that while you BOTH appreciate everything she does for you both.... the constant comments need to stop.

Then when she makes a comment that you don't like......
simply say..........well, your son loves me just the way I am and that is all that matters to me. Then walk away......take deep breaths......10 deep breaths and lock yourself in the bathroom for a nice relaxing bath......just to give you some time to calm down and realize........she isn't worth all the stress that she is causing you.

Unfortunately or fortunately, on thing I have learned is that we give people permission to live in our minds when we let them affect us in certain ways. We dont mind when they are positive ways, but when they are negative......one must realize that nobody can make us feel anyway that we don't let them make us feel.............understand??

Unfortunately for you.........the best solution would be to get your own place, but since that isn't an option......you must make do because it is her house and wrong as she may be...
its still her house.

Good luck!!

Answer 9

first of all calm down this is what real mother in laws are like , they start of really nice and end up being real pains, don't worry about your weight your fine , she is jealous you look better than she does, you have got to remember this is her only child so she has only you to bully , move out before it gets heated , your partner well he has only known one queen so what she says goes so until you train him that you are the queen , when he realizes that you are right he will take your side, be real calm make sure you do not show how you feel , act as though you are on her side agree with her what ever you say she will get fed up of being the bad guy in the end ,, good luck you have a job and half on your hands , but if your mans worth it then stick it out ,

Answer 10

Sugar I sure feel for you. And have been in your shoes. Although I didn't have live with the Monster-In-Law for that long.... In fact when I did she left and went to her sister's because she couldn't stand to be around enfants and small children!

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Be prepared for him to think it not that big a deal. Then you need to come to terms with the fact that you will probably never come to her standards. And just accept that. As soon as you can possibly afford to get your own place Move Out!

Then you need to come to terms with the fact that if anything happens to her you are probably going to be the one to take care of her needs. That's what happened to me. I had come to terms with this years earlier so it wasn't big issue for me when it came to pass. She had a stroke during a surgery.. I said of course we will take her into our home and I'll care for her. At one point she was fighting to move "home" even though it was obvious she couldn't take care of her self, heck she couldn't even talk. I finally told her look "I'm the ***** from hell and you are going to stay here and you are going to be happy or unhappy. It's your choice. But this is the way it's going to be."

And my husband, and only child appreciated what I did.

Stay balanced. Look at her lunacy without emotion. It's her problem.... you've taken her little boy away from her.

Oh, and I found out from my Monster-In-Laws sister years later that he had been abused by her..... so you never know what happened before you knew your husband.

Answer 11

I read close to half of that. The rest just sounds like a journal entry that no one needs to know. Anyway Sound like you need to sit your Husband down and tell him everything. And you two need to really be trying to get the hell out of his moms house and get your own house as soon as possible. After you talk to your husband you need to make sure he talks to his mother. if he doesnt then consider giving him an option, either you or his mom.