Not attending brother-in-law's wedding?

Question

My husband's brother proposed to his girlfriend just before Thanksgiving, shortly after we announced to our family that we're pregnant with our 2nd child, and due May 18th. My husband's brother called to find out what a good or bad time to have the wedding would be, and we said to plan it for whenever they need to, and not to worry about us. shortly after, he asked my husband to be his best man, and asked again when would be a good time for us to go. This time, we told him that April and May would not be good for us. He called back a few weeks later and said they need to have it in April for various reasons. My husband said that the earlier in April, the better my chances of going. His brother called back again to say its going to be April 30th. My doctor won't allow me to travel at that time (out-of-state) so I will not be attending. Even though we originally said not to plan it around us, I still have hurt feelings, like it didn't matter to them that I wasn't going to be able

to go. When I planned our wedding, his family and my family were the first ones I asked for their schedules, and I planned my wedding in less than 6 months to accomodate everyone's schedules. I feel like he and his bride-to-be could have done the same for me. I feel like i wasn't a priority at all and now we're going to spend Christmas with them and I have all this pent up hurt about it. Am I just pregnant and hormonal, or do I have a right to be upset? My husband says i'm hormonal...so I won't be too upset if that's your verdict....

At this point, nothing can be done about it so I know that I should just let it go and not say a word about it. But I'm thinking that this is going to fester for quite some time!

I don't care about how I look, its more about me living in East Texas and not being able to travel to New Mexico 3 weeks before I'm due.

Of course my husband is going! He's his best man. I'll be staying home all weekend, 38 weeks pregnant with a 2-year-old. Fun.

Alissa, my doctor knows that my due date is May 18th, and he doesn't want me to travel that late in my pregnancy for medical reasons. when you get pregnant, ask your doctor if you can either fly out of state or drive over 14 hours in a car when you're 38 weeks pregnant.

I know I keep adding more and more details, I just feel like I planned my wedding in a rush because of the scheduling conflicts in my and his families. The most important thing to ME in planning my wedding was having my loved ones there. If the most important thing in THEIR wedding is the venue, then so be it.

Answer 1

I think most of the people jumping down your throat dont have children and havent been pregnant before. As a mom of 2 myself, I can completely sympathize. On the one hand you were trying to be sure that you weren't "its all about me" by saying not to plan around you, but on theother hand you seem to have been blindsided by their persistance of your timeline and then their complete ignoring of said timeline. Which is strange to me, but they probably have reasons that, while may not be all that valid to you, are valid to them. And you know from being pregnant before that babies are not an exact science, they come when they want to, there is no saying "Now Bobby, you have to wait to come out until I am ready". Yeah, wouldnt that be a perfect world! Christ, I went to one of the top 10 perinatal doctors in the US and even he couldnt give me anything exact with either of my pregnanices and you know what? They were both early deliveries.

I know your feelings are hurt and it may be hormones, but I think its because you feel a bit put off by their actions. However, I think you may just have to get over it, you could never say anything because it isnt really YOUR family, if it was your sister who did this, you could say something, but because its your husbands family, I wouldnt dare mention anything. Just be sure they know that you wont be there and that you have just as good a reason to not attend as they had to plan it on a day where you said you couldnt attend. Making sure they also know that your husbands duties and loyalties lie with you and the baby and if something happens he will also not be attending so they should have a plan B in place as well.

Also, I dont think its all that great of an idea for you to be alone during the time he is away, that close to your due date, could your mother or best friend come stay with you to help out with the 2 year old and in case something does happen. Dont be so over concerned with the newlyweds that you forget that in the state you are in, you need alot more care and attention, you are trying to carrying a baby to term, though your heart says "I dont want to ruin someone else's special day" be sure your head is saying "Is this best for ME and the baby as well".

Best of luck.

Answer 2

You are pregnant and you are being hormonal. You have every right to be disappointed but not angry. You've been married and you know what a logistics nightmare planning can be. It isn't their fault that your pregnancy occured and, although they're probably very happy for you, they have to plan according to THEIR needs. Just by knowing how often they checked back with you shows that they DO care about you. When you originally said you didn't care, they probably started checking with others and booking things to make everything work. For all you know, a close family member could be booked for surgery, or the date is better for a parent or the matron of honor. Doesn't matter. Don't stress out over this. People have missed weddings before and they'll miss them again. When your babies are having measles or mumps, you'll miss out many other things. It's called being a grown-up and being a parent and sometimes you feel really left out of things. Wait. Be patient. When you see those first steps, or walk your own child down the aisle, all this will be totally irrelevant. While your hubby is gone, the best thing you could do for yourself and for your baby is to call a galpal or your mom or sister (?) to spend the days with you. Make it a "girly weekend", paint your toenails, get a sitter in and go to a chick flick together. The days will fly by and when hubby returns you will be refreshed and happy to see the pictures. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think you have a right to be upset, but it's your bil's wedding. Maybe the venue only had that date availabe or that was the only day both the venue and the reception site was available. Either way, I would just send them my congratulations and enjoy spending time with your child. There is no way you should travel that far away that close to your due date. I've never been pregant but I do know that that is big no-no. I do agree with the person who said that your bil should have a backup BM in case you do go into labor early. Have your husband call you later at the reception so you can tell the new couple congrats. Good luck.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, it's just not possible for the couple to accommodate everyone's schedules. They probably chose the date that works for the greatest number of people, knowing that they couldn't find a date that works for everyone. Also, Spring is such a popular time for weddings that venue availability was probably extremely limited. I'm sure it does matter to them that you can't go, but you did tell them to do whatever they needed to and not to plan around you. They probably thought that you would be less likely to be upset and offended. It's completley understandable that you're disappointed; but you probably shouldn't let this hurt your feelings. They probably did as well as they could with the planning.

By the way: congrats on the baby!

EDIT: to comment on what Sunflower said, they probably DID try to accommodate you, but were just not able to. They wouldn't have asked if they didn't care. Try not to take it personally.

Answer 5

I really think your over reacting. I am sure you are aware that April and May are big wedding months and halls are booked years in advance for spring weddings. Did you ever think that it could not be avoided. You tell your brother in law not to worry about you. (He did not have to ask when was good for you) Then you get upset he did not do what you wanted.

Remember this, in life there are some things that only come around once. The birth of a child, 1st Christmas together, and we hope only one wedding. If your not able to travel per doctor then fine but do not hold a grudge nor have ill feelings
as this is your husband's brother. I am sure your husband would like to be there. If it was me I would encourage my husband to go.

Answer 6

I honestly think you are being hormonal. Just because you went out of your way to take everyone's schedule into consideration doesn't mean that anyone else is every going to be that considerate or thoughtful. It's their wedding so you can't expect them to plan it around you and your pregnancy especially after you told them not to worry about you. I really think the best thing for you to do is let it go. Best for you, your family, your husband and his brother's relationship and your in laws. You will be the only one to lose if you hold a grudge. Let it go and enjoy the holidays.

Answer 7

Ok, IM NOT PREGNANT and I don't think it's hormonal...I totally understand your dilemma, they shouldn't have asked you all these details...I don't give a crap how many thumbs down i get for saying this, but they shouldn't have asked your husband to be best man considering that the wedding is out of state and his wife will be giving birth soon! Sure i understand how some venues are booked up...but please....you say one thing, they take it to the extreme opposite...it would irritate me and like i said im not pregnant lol...

Sorry to anyone I offended but if my sister were pregnant (she just had twins three months ago) I wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding if i had date issues and had only one choice for the date....
April 30th is an odd date if anyone has noticed because its a Wednesday next year, Thursday in 2009, Friday in 2010, and Saturday in 2011.

EDIT: I totally agree with Kate

oh and to the person who said you shouldn't be upset because you told them not plan around you in the first place, thats just bull.....yeah you tell them go ahead don't plan around us..but when they make your husband part of the wedding, it would be nice to try to plan around you, i totally understand why your upset...you shouldn't be alone that close to your due date!

Answer 8

I think your are hormonal but it was kinda rude of them not to really give you consideration. Also what is really the rush to get married???? Also I can understand dates if the place on had certain dates then fine but they need to explain that to you. I think you have a reason to feel hurt in this case.
FLIP SIDE:
A) first marriage
B) and the date issues with the venue place
C) work issues (for them meaning getting time off)
D) other family date issues
Any of these things can play a factor in the date that they chose I would talk to them about to see why the date was chosen? See what they come up with if it isn't a good reason then honey use those pent up hormones to your advantage. I mean they should be happy that they are getting a niece or nephew (I know I would be) and if anything (maybe me just being a girl) would want them at the wedding. Good Luck!

Answer 9

yes you are being hormonal(but that is understandable)and your nerves are on end.
it does seem odd that your brother-in-law has put the wedding right were you cannot attend.
this may be up to the bride.

i would go with your doctor and not go, now as for your husband, i will say it , he should stay with you since the due date is less than a month off of the wedding date.
if anyone is angry about this have him remind them that you and the baby are also very important too.

your health and that of the baby's should be of highest priority to him, and also his family now

good luck all around, and give the baby a hug for me.

Answer 10

I don't think that it is worth all this worry on your part. I think that your husband should tell his brother that he should find a stand in in case you go into labor early. If he has to choose between the birth of your child and his brother's wedding he should definitely choose your child.

There isn't anything that you can do about this now so you should just let it go.