Husbands family upset with me? What should I have done in this situation?

Question

My husbands grandmother died, 2nd death for his family in less than a month, we went to the funeral, and then afterwards spent a couple days with his family, as did 6 of his siblings all in their 40's or 50's, his mom had about 8-10 people crashing at her place for a week, she gave up her bed(their house is 850 sq ft or so) and everything. We stayed in a hotel with our kids because we did not want to impose. While there I accidently overheard a conversation between his mom and her sister, she said she did not know how she was going to have enough food for the rest of the month until the next pension check and ssi check came(she is too proud to get food stamps or anything) no one had brought anything but pies and sweets and had been eating there for almost a week(about 15-20 people were there every meal) so instead of buying agift and flower arrangement we bought groceries
his mom was a bit flustered but thanked us but later several people bit my head off about it was I wrong?

My husband comes from a low income but very proud family, his dad was absent in the military(his excuse anyways) and sent very little home to his mom for the 9 kids I think they had

His mother told everyone, we had done it in between meals when everyone was out shopping and at the bar so only one other person was there and we left for home after dinner but 2 family members were very upset, they said I am an outsider and stepped out of bounds (my husband helped pick the stuff out...)

Answer 1

They bit your head off to take the focus off of their own lack of taking care of something that was needed. Forget it because the people who bit your head off are ignorant self centered people whose opinions mean nothing.

Answer 2

I say your husband should not simply dismiss your concerns. It could be that he honestly DOESN'T see why this is a problem, he may very well believe that this is strictly business. Because she acts this way with ALL men, he has probably come to the conclusion that she's just like that. A couple questions - do you believe your husband is having an affair? Does he work late with her, travel on business with her? Do you think he is involved in some way with this, or is it all one-sided on this woman's part? If they have been working together for three years and you believe he is having an affair, I have to ask why you've put up with this for so long. If you don't think he's having an affair, why is this now an issue? Does your husband work from home? Why is he at home at 2 pm? How does your daughter know who's calling? She seems a little young to be answering the phone. Okay, look, would you rather she call the house, or rather she call his cell phone? He's not trying to hide anything. I'm not saying your concerns aren't valid, but I am wondering how much of an issue this should be. Your husband shouldn't just ignore your concerns or brush it off. Just because he doesn't not share your veiw doesn't mean he shouldn't consider what you're saying.

Answer 3

I agree with what someone said: they're going through a rough time and maybe that's why they're taking out their negative emotions on someone -- and since you're the "outsider" you were the perfect target, also because you did something THEY should have done themselves and that got them exposed. No one likes to be exposed in front of their very own MOTHER..... but that's THEIR problem. I also think it was incredibly rude to come to YOU and tell you what they thought - if they were jealous, mad or whatever, they should have kept that to themselves. I usually stand up for myself, so I'd have probably answered in a sarcastic tone: "well, I'm sorry but since I didn't see anyone doing it MY HUSBAND AND I felt that it was something that would be helpful for everyone... I didn't think it was wrong to offer some support to the entire FAMILY (they were gonna eat out of what you bought too, for sure) in this moment of need". If you don't want to confront them, then I guess it's your husband's duty to stand up for you and make them stop their BS. I'm sure that if you had done nothing to help your M-I-L they would have bit your head off about it as well!!! You can never please everyone..... if you did this out of the heart then just ignore everyone's remarks...... they don't matter, only what you did and how you feel about it.

Answer 4

You did the right thing. If anyone was eating off your mother-in-law, then griping about you providing the food in their mouths, that says more about them than it does about you. It is minimal common courtesy to bring food into a household where you are staying and eating. Everyone at her house should have been doing it. My guess is that they were embarrassed that you showed that you had such superior manners to them.
The gift card idea that people gave above is OK, but then she would have had to make time to go get groceries on her own, at a very difficult time. It would not have been as helpful as what you actually did.

Answer 5

Don't feel bad at all, what you guys did was right. What did the rest of the family think that the mother survived on, air and pies? And where did they think the food they ate that week came from, the food fairy?

People like these burn my toast. You did the right thing. No one wants to feel as though they are a charity case, but EVERYONE needs help from time to time. Thank God you were there this time. And I think the mother wanted help, or why else would she have mentioned that she was strapped for cash?

Answer 6

I think what you did was very considerate.

When my father inlaw passed away I spent the three days I was at my mother in laws buying groceries and cooking. She was not financially strapped by any means, but by having food pre-prepared and frozen and the pantry well stock it eliminated the burden on her. She to this day (5 years later) tells everyone that was the single most helpful thing anyone did for her after his death.

The several people who bit your head off were wrong and should apologize.

Answer 7

Well you did the right thing. Other people could've volunteered chipping in for the groceries, instead of biting your head off. They are jealous because you bought groceries and they didn't. This is what I would have done. If I heard the conversation. I would put my coat on and buy healthy nutritious foods. I'm always the person who makes the first initiative to make things happen.

Answer 8

As you know, people are always going to find something to b**** about. You have done nothing wrong in this situation. I wouldnt let it get to you. If ANYONE "bit your head off" then they were the one's that were out of line. You were being thoughtful and responsible. Please don't let this get to you. I would let your mother in law know that you were just trying to help, or let your husband tell her, which, I feel is something that he should do. Since it is easier for him to stand up to his family than you trying to stand up to them. They are going through a hard time and sometimes people can try to single others out, especially if they aren't in the family.

Answer 9

I think it was a thoughtful gift. Perhaps a gift card for a store that sells both groceries and other things would have been received better- Like target or walmart. But, at the end of the day you showed more consideration than the rest of the family.

Answer 10

What a gem you are! The ones bitchin' are the ones who have helped scarf down all mom's food! You did something extremely kind and unselfish. You should be proud of yourself. I am and I'm sure the rest of the answers agree. Kudos to you!!!!!!!