Help!! I really need some advice!?

Question

Most of my husbands family doesn't like me, and my husband has made sure over the years that I know it. My father in law doesn't speak to me, and because he doesn't want to see me he doesn't see our child anymore. I have been called some nasty names and labeled as someone that I don't even know by these very judgemental people. I wish I had enough room to write the things that his family has done!
I was expected to fit a mould, just like his first wife, but in being true to myself I never changed enough to fit in, and neither did she. I have done alot for my husband (drug & gambling problems) and his father, but everything has gone unappreciated. There's no give and take here! My husband has never stuck up for me in front of them, even when he should have. If anything, he becomes childlike around them. In any case, we've been invited to family xmas functions, and just the thought of being around his family gives me major anxiety. Am I obligated to go?

I've been telling my husband for years how I feel. He doesn't understand, or just doesn't care.

Answer 1

you should go. . .
but talk to your HUSBAND about how you feel. he's the one that needs to stop being such a jerk. if his parents don't want to see YOU and are mean towards you then you guys shouldn't feel obligated to see them. cut off connection until they realize what loser they are being (talk about immature!)

Answer 2

I can see how you would feel very uncomfortable in such a family setting. The answer you seek will need to come from you. Only if you are strong enough and able to ignore all that may be said and done, and attend the function without being hurt. The anxiety, says otherwise, perhaps spending the Day at peace at home will be a better solution, with the excuse of not feeling well enough to attend.great ideas about helping others if you are up to it Get some help with dealing with this problem and perhaps next Christmas you will be able to attend . God bless you and have a merry Christmas.

Answer 3

You're not obligated to do anything, but it would be best that you go. If your husband's family can't understand that they are ruining the relationship they have with your kids, they're just plain stupid!!! GO to their xmas function this year with a smile on your face, because if they can't see the importance of having family, then they mustn't know how xmas is supposed to be!!! Let alone the holiday, they should love year-round!!!!!!!! Try talking to your husband before going to the function. Let him know how you feel & that when he said I do, he committed to you. That committment was to stick by your side through danger, trials, and even straight up rude family members!!! if he doesn't understand, I wouldn't recommend that u divorce him, but u may just need to spend your xmas holiday with your family, and make sure u take your kids with u!!! Hope this helps?=)

Answer 4

important Good right if you are very uncomfortable and they make you feel that way your husband should be worrying about y'all having a Christmas i went through the same thing and my husband's family turned on me b/c i showed my husband that we are a family we have to stick together so now they don't speak and me and my husband go on about our busy until they respect you there will never be peace! and as far as the child children are innocence they should learn to separate if they can't treat that mother and child right your husband shouldn't be there when you get married you become as on put your foot down and say we need to have our own Xmas just our family if he disagree let him go being they don't see the child anyway keep the child with you and go to your own parent's or friends where you are going to enjoy for that child that's what is important
Good luck and write again if you need more information I've been there!

Answer 5

It is not uncommon for an adult to slip back into the childlike mode when they get with their parents. I feel sorry for your child more than anyone else here.
No I would not feel obligated to go, but you have to make the decision as a FAMILY...if one doesn't go the others shouldn't either...this will send a strong message to his parents.
Caution though--this could open a can of worms with your husband that you might not want to open. Are you ready for a fight with your husband over whether you will spend time with his family?

Answer 6

You have no obligation to these people. It's seems to me as if you will be treated like a walking pinata as they bash you with their words. In all honesty I'm surprised this hasn't pushed you into divorce. Personally I wouldn't allow these people to be around your children. They are toxic to your family and are only creating a wedge between you and your husband.

You really need to talk to your husband and tell him to grow up. He is allowing his family to treat you this way. He married you therefore his loyalty should be with you. When he don't stick up for you he is telling his family it's OK to treat you like this. Well, would he treat you so badly or allow a stranger to? This is no different, he should honor his wife and family. Eventually you will have to put your foot down with your husband. Your children are being affected by his family. You children will ask you one day why grandpa don't care to see them. Or why they didn't get a present from grandma and grandpa. Your children won't understand and will feel that is has to do with them. I know as I have been there. I often wondered why my grandma never bought me gifts at Christmas as she did all of my cousins. One year I cried for my baby brother (he was only 3) because he didn't get a present and was crying. He seen everyone else with gifts. How do you explain, to a 3 year old, that grandma don't care enough about us to get gifts. That year was the last straw for my parents. We never went to another function on that side of the family. It hurt us all real bad. But we are better people for it. We didn't become them and stoop to their level. We just cut off ties.

If you must cut off ties then do so. You and your children don't deserve any of this. When people treat you this way they don't deserve to be graced with your presence. Stand your ground and stay away. Christmas should be happy and merry. You should be with the people who love you and whom you love. I wish you the best of luck. Merry Christmas & God Bless!

Answer 7

He doesn't care. I don't know the whole situation but your husband must enjoy that they do not like you. It's like his "escape" They probably judged him alot now the focus is not on him. It could also be that he likes to piss them off. My problem is the opposite my boyfriend hates my dad, but dad did threaten him (for a very immature reason) Basically you are either just going to have to not join in family gathering or grin and bare it.... kill them with kindness, I see that you have tried but sometimes people are just so stupid and blind. Honestly I don't think it really has any thing to do with you if they hated the EX too they are just hatefull people and it sounds like your husband has some of that too if he doesn't stick up for you. Merry Christmas

Answer 8

Of course not, dear. Volunteer to feed the homeless or something else worthy on the day, (Caroling in a rest home, making cookies for the kids in the leukemia ward at the Children's Hospital, . . .. Not everyone spends Christmas day in a big house with 30 relatives. Some spend it cold, or hungry or alone; some all three.) Take your child with you, and tell the ingrates you are too busy; so sorry, maybe next year.

Answer 9

It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. Since there has been no give and take on his side of the family, if I were you, I would probably say that I wanted to spend Christmas at home just as a family so you can enjoy it. If your husband really wants to see his family maybe he can go by himself, or maybe you can suggest some sort of compromise, like Christmas eve with them and Christmas at home.

Answer 10

what a situation, it must be terribly hard to experience this. My heart goes to you. Now being married to him and having a family in law that don't like you, that's a major problem. Have you thought about talking to your husband about it? Also, you should get some counselling. You could also use the help of a mediator between you and your family in law.
In my opinion, if you go and they treat you like crap, don't go this christmas.

Answer 11

You are NOT obligated to go. My mom's family does the same to us and my dad. We never go over there. I do sometimes but that's to just be in there face and show them that I don't care. But we don't subject my 2 little sisters to that. So don't feel bad about not going. HOWEVER..... how I feel about people like that is to get in there face and show them that you are better than the last girl and you aren't going anywhere because you love your husband. I mean, you don't have to be nasty, but when you go over there and they get nasty and call you names or disrespect you, then you should step up and say something. "what does that have to do with anything?" or "why call me such nasty names..?" if they accuse your of something " do you have proof of that?," " How did you come to that conclusion?" I do that to my moms family when they start bashing my dad infront of my face. I be like, ummm... he's never done that or said that... so don't say anything like that unless you have proof. Same when my uncle was being fake infront of his new wife that came out of no where. He wanted to lead in a family prayer last christmas and he NEVER goes to church nor does he act like a Christian. I mean he tried to kick me out of the house when I was pregnant in the dead of winter in 2004.I called him out and was like "I'm not saying prayer with someone that doesn't practice what he preaches." I said my own prayer.

So, sometimes you have to put your foot down. I understand what you're going thru!

Good Luck Sweetie and Merry Christmas.