Help son wants to move back home.?

Question

My son wants to move back in with his wife to save money for a down payment on a house. I understand things are expensive today but I say no. My wife is all for him moving in. I am sure her and my daughter in law will soon bump heads and I really don't want to hear it. My point is they both work and make a good living, if they went out less and bought less they would have a down payment. My son argued with me that when I bought my home the houses were much less. He forgets so was the pay. We had no car and did not spend 150 on going out to dinner. I told him to get a second job after all I did it when I was young when we needed the money. Am I wrong here.

I would like to add my wife is a good woman and mother but, I feel she at times has gone over board with our son. He was spoiled as a child and yes we give our kids what we did not have but there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I know my wife, and if we let both of them move I will be living in a war zone and my wife will be treating my son like he is her husband.

I would like to add my wife is a good woman and mother but, I feel she at times has gone over board with our son. He was spoiled as a child and yes we give our kids what we did not have but there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I know my wife, and if we let both of them move I will be living in a war zone and my wife will be treating my son like he is her husband.

Answer 1

You are not wrong, stay with your decision. Your spouse should stand with you, they obviously need a lesson in handling Finances, that does not include freeloading from Parents, who may be needing his help.
It may be tempting to see your children back, however they have grown up and need to make their own way, . God bless, and Merry Christmas

Answer 2

You are correct. It all depends on your situation of course. Obviously, if you have an enormous house with separate kitchens, etc (so you'll never see each other) and your son is willing to pay for all their own food and at least $500 month to cover their utility expenses - then do it.

Otherwise, explain to your son that if he moved back in his rent to cover his expenses and food would be $1,500 a month. Then let him decide...lol.

Seriously, between wear and tear on the house, FOOD, utilities, etc... it really does cost that much to house your son and his wife. It seems like your son doesn't even understand that by living with you - he is USING UP YOUR OWN HARD EARNED MONEY!!!! Many kids nowadays don't even care or consider how hard their parents worked to ensure a successful home.

If you really want to be a good father - then tell him he can't move in, but when your son does save up enough money for a down payment - give your son $1,000 after the closing as a "I'm proud of you for being a responsible adult" gift.

Answer 3

I side with you, but I don't see how that's going to help you.

You and your wife need to present an united front. Talk about it with her so she understands. Be very calm, but firm. You are right, you have no reason to become upset or too authoritative.

I agree that it will be difficult if they move in with you. They're used to their freedom, their lifestyle and they need to learn how to manage their money, which they won't be doing if they live with you. They are adults and need to save this money using hard work, which is a skill they will need once they own the house (!!!).

This plan (of them moving back) could also backfire. Plus it won't teach them to budget. Ever hear of being "house poor"? Every young couple is "house poor". They must learn to budget correctly or else they risk losing their home because a house costs a lot (but you know that).

Good luck.

Edit : I just thought of something. If you DO let them move back in, charge them rent. Say $1,500 a month (or more) and put it into a savings account for them (don't trust they'll do it themselves) . You might want to charge them more than the mortgage they'll be paying so that they are really motivated to save and LEAVE your house. Just a thought in case you can't convince your wife.

Answer 4

I would find a way to gift him the remainder of the down payment. Frankly, I'd rather see my kids enjoy my money than leave it to them when I'm dead and they don't need my help anymore. Check out 0 down High Ratio mortgages if you don't wish to do this. If they both have a good salary, they many qualify. Have them speak to a mortgage broker before they decide what they'll do. But, I agree, they moving back in is not such a great idea. And stay out of how he spends his money, hard though it may be.

Answer 5

I wouldn't because there is no sign of an emergency. Give them some pointers dad. You know the situation so critique your communication to what you see would work and talk to your son. He can then chat with his wife as to what could turn out to be a positive for his/her household.


I would recommend a small apartment that includes all utilities. Usually apartments that need only fresh paint and the carpet scrubbed - you may have to help with storage if you can. That will allow them to save quite a bit of money and reach the goal of a down payment quickly since it's buyer's market.

Point out to them that many young adults are sitting down and discussing their financial goals together and putting them down on paper. You could consider gifting them a nice pen and binder to record the goals that they both lay out including budget. They might even consider starting an emergency fund even if they only put $10-$20 a week into it. That can cover car repairs or what ever pops up that is emergency oriented so it doesn't interfere with their home goals. They can also start a Christmas fund for next year where they place $5 a week into different account. These accounts should not be touched unless it for reasons as to why the accounts were opened and the same goes for the down payment account.

This might be more up your wife's alley but maybe not:

Clipped coupons matched with sales are a definate help concerning food and personal needs. A perfect gift for the season might be an Entertainment book for their area (www.entertainment.com) and some local gift certificates, or a state park sticker for the year so they can continue dating. Point out some cheap dates when if you consider buying them gc for Christmas and they can go from there. You can say things like..."you know your mom and I didn't have much money when we first started out, but we knew it was important to keep our marriage fun. So, we came up with some creative things to do" and tell them what you did for fun on a budget once a week or whatever. They need to spend less on living to get to a bigger place so frugal is it for now until that apartment rent is going towards something they own. Then they can use the same technique to save for things they need for their new home.

There is another alternative. If you have any plans of taking in an elderly parent in the future, and have a basement that is legal to accomidate private living quarters that could also be an option. You could charge them what an apartment with utilities covered would run in your area and that would be fair. Keep in mind the possible expense of remodeling but also a goal reached ahead of time. When they move out the area can be used creatively....home theater, den, canning area, sewing room/office, large family gatherings, etc

EDIT: If ya do this I'd have them purchase their own used or reconditioned frig and stove and also help you with some DIY.

EDIT:
"my wife will be treating my son like he is her husband"
What? If your wife's son is her husband in your eyes, then who have you been to your wife and who are you to your son? What did you note here (please see your notes) and please I'm not attacking you - family is to be preserved and keep in mind that marriage is a whole different relationship but links family together also. I'm reading that you've been the son (role confusion) in your home. Don't you already have a mother and father and do you see yourself as their son? Even if your wife interfered in your parental relationships OR you forced her into a mother role it's never to late to change your mind that allows actions to change. Grumpiness is not fun. Role competition does not belong in a family. The solution is putting your role back in order and doing it in a loving positive manner. You can be a husband plus a father and ALSO aloud to love your parents by being an active son if they are still alive & if not were still someone's son also...it's part of your identity/life. People can resolve if and when love is present. Since it's possible that you didn't own your roles you might get some heavy resistance to change but look:

Rome was not built in a day and neither were computers because these things were much harder to accomplish than family relationships you see : )

Merry Christmas to you and yours : )

Answer 6

Part of being an adult is making sacrifices for the things we want. You are absolutely correct in not letting them move in with you. Perhaps you could show them how to make a budget and ways to save the money needed for a down payment on a house.

Answer 7

Adults children that have lived outside of the home, moving back home, seldom works. Not only does it not work but usually cause some real, long term problems in the family relationship.
I mean it would be different if he lost his job, was ill, a disaster and then only for a short period but for a non-emergency, I think it would be a mistake.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

I read all answers and tell you this: it is easier said than done not let your own son moving back when he asks for help.
I found it difficult in my own life. I have an adult son too.
However the best solution is always a compromise.
Set the rules in advance, ask him what is his plan and how he intends to implement it, ask what he and his wife intend to do around the house, and then offer the time out to think about it.
Be frank about your worries. The main goal is to be in a good relationship, right?

Answer 9

No, you're not wrong... and it's YOUR home and your decision.

Couples living with parents is one of the biggest mistakes a person can make.

Maybe your son could try living on what i make a month, which is only 5 times more than what he pays to go out to dinner for one night! He could save it instead, and buy groceries!

I say NO you are not wrong.. and your son is trying to intrude on your life.

take care.

Answer 10

My husband and I moved back in with my parents for a month. It was disastrous. My husband butted heads with my parents the whole time, and they usually had a great relationship. It does not work. Resentments rise. Both parties expect too much out of each other. I WOULD NOT DO IT!