My mother in law has Alzeimer's. She is in the beginning stages and she has always shielded her 43 year old son from working. My wife cooks and cleans and takes care of her mother. She does all the work while her brother is expected to do nothing. He lays around and eats, watches tv and if my wife asks him to do something, her mother pitches a fit. My wife is tired of asking and just does it herself. I feed the family as I am the only one with a job. His mother has been paying for all the guys bills. My mother in law is maxed out because of paying my wife's brother's bills. But she still argues if anyone asks the brother to do anything. He is over six feet and in very good health. His mother has turned him into a cripple to keep him dependent on her. It does no good to argue with the mother in law. She is too sick. Her way of thinking is way off. My wife and I are very upset that he won't help out. My wife has to be at home for her mom.What should we do without upsetting her mom?
2007-12-20 03:02:42 · 8 answers · asked by alan c 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My wife wants to be there for her mother. Her mother has never been fair in my opinion. But she is still her mother and my wife wants to take care of her. her son has run up his mother's bills and just has taken advantage of her. She cannot think straight at this point and my wife has power of attorney. She does not want to throw the son out because it would upset her mom. Maybe make her condition worse. I do not know the right thing to do? I feel my wife and I are shouldering a lot because of her brother not willing to help out.
2007-12-20 03:19:00 · update #1
What you are saying amounts to elder abuse. The fact that your MIL now has Alzheimer's means that she can't make good choices and your BIL is taking advantage. Report it to elder abuse. You can also try to get financial and medical power of attorney so that you can make sure that he doesn't get a dime and that you can care for her as the illness progresses. She may get mad but just like a child, you have to do what is best for her.
Good Luck!
2007-12-20 03:22:13 · answer #1 · answered by wondermom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if you all live together or if your wife just goes over to her moms to do for her. I can see why your upset.. Maybe you can hire an aide to go there a few days a week. Your wife needs a break from being present housekeeper. Maybe the insurance will cover that. I would check into it. No matter what you are your wife do your mother in law is going to GEt upset. She has Alzheimer and it will only get worse over time. Her brother should be ashamed of himself at 43. I would let him know once mom isn't around he is on his own not to look to his sister for help since he can't lift a hand to help now.
2007-12-20 11:20:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There really isn't anything you can do to not upset your mother in law. From the sound of it, no matter what you say or try to do, she is going to be upset not matter what if you try to get the guy to do anything. Alot of times as people get old they like to try to make up one reason or another that so and so can't do this or that or go anywhere to force them to stay dependant on them in order to either always have something to complain about or to ensure that they will not get lonely with out any one being around. The fact is that you have to do something. You can't just keep supporting everyone with no help and your wife can't just keep doing every thing for her mother and the house. It will drive you both nuts and possibly to a much earlier grave than either of you deserve. As hard as it may be, the two of you are going to have to get this guy up off the couch and either to a job or contributing in some way around the house. Yes, no matter what it will upset the mother. As far as she goes, now that she is up there in age and her health starting to fail her, prehaps as bad as it sounds, its time to look into an elderly retirement or a nursing home for her. I know that sounds mean, and its not what I would suggest for my own mother, but it may be more than you or your wife can handle having to tend to her day and night then not getting any help from the son. No matter how hard it seems or how guilty you feel, you have to make a change or this will keep going on. I wish you good luck with this tender situation. I'm sure that you will be able to work something out that will make yours and your wife's lives better.
2007-12-20 11:18:34 · answer #3 · answered by homemaker 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Heres the thing your mother in law is starting feel as if she is dependant upon people, but she still feels needed because of her son. By your wife and you trying to make him work or help out, she feels as if you would be giving him independance and he wouldn't need her anymore...and someone him needing her to survive makes her feel like she has a purpose, that she doesn't just "exsist".
But it isn't right, and it never will be. First you and your wife need to sit down and talk to him and be very direct and honest with him. Tell him that his mother is very sick, and it isn't right that he isn't doing his part to help out and that you all shouldn't have to ask him to help, he should want to after all that his mother has done for him!! Tell him if his mother insisits he doesn't do anything then he should ignore her and tell her that they need to take care of Each other!! (so that she still has the feeling of being needed)
Let him know that the diease his mother has is very seriouse and sooner or later she won't be around, and then what will he do? Tell him not to wait until then to find a job or whatever, he needs to get on his feet before that happens.
No matter what your mother in law is going to get upset, but try not to let it get blown out of proportion. I know you can't really talk to her about it, but it is a good things that your wife is the power of attorney, what about just refusing to pay the sons bills? Scince your wife should have control over things such as that, because if your mother in law is going into debt, someone is going to be repsonsible for that debt after she passes away, and more then likely that will be your wife.
2007-12-20 11:52:26 · answer #4 · answered by Tean 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps have a talk with him about where his life is headed should anything happen to his mother. Explain that while he may be enjoying the gravy train now, you and your wife will not be providing for him should the worst happen. Give him some realistic options. I don't know what else to tell you, so good luck!
2007-12-20 11:12:33 · answer #5 · answered by Gloria H 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
SIghs.. alright, first things 1st, u hav to stop ur mum-in-law sickness from getting worse, or your situation will get more complex. research on the net methods of preventing it from getting worse, or post another question in the health section!.. im sry i cnt help u with this..
nextt... your brother in law,
you seriously have to convince him to get a job!!.. the key word is CONVINCE dude, not force or reprimand!! give him the benifits of working, and let him undst y he has to work!... and inform him da concequesce of not working.. as in future concequences..
alright, regarding the "His mother has been paying for all the guys bills. My mother in law is maxed out because of paying my wife's brother's bills" this is quite unclear tho.. Lolz..
I undst tat u've been working hard, to provide for he family.. keep it up alright? do your best at work, t gt more pay?.. Lolz..
Let ur wife go back to her mum for a week or so.. its onli fair i guess... till den, you try to keep da house clean n everything.. Lolz.. its onli a week!.. how bad can it get?..
alright, keep praying to god ya?..
Lolz.. cnt help much, sry. but gd luck and god bless!
2007-12-20 11:23:13 · answer #6 · answered by Jon C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Make them both move out....
You are allowing your mother in law and brother in law's life styles to stress you out and effect you emotionally... their situation is very strange, and sort of twisted, if you ask me...
Adults need to be expected to do things for themselves, unless they are disabled in some way and need assistance, but even then, they should be expected to do whatever they are capable of (if anything).
You should not be feeding and housing your mother in law and bro in law... maybe it's time to let them know they have to move by "X" date. If your mother in law gets upset, it's not your problem.
2007-12-20 11:11:04 · answer #7 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sence she's low income, I'd go fill out applications for low income houseing for her and the low life son to move into.
2007-12-20 11:11:43 · answer #8 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋