Do you think I have unrealistic expectations of children?

Question

Most people I know have well behaved and well mannered kids, but I do know a couple of people who have heathens for children and it drives me nuts -- especially when they come to my home. I typically won't voice my concerns or expectations unless things really get out of hand, but here are some of my expectations:

- No standing, crawling or laying on the furniture (unless it's a bed).

- No eating or drinking throughout the house. That should only be allowed in the kitchen.

- Wash their hands before and after eating.

- No running or jumping in the house.

- No opening closed bedroom doors or going in the refrigerator without asking.

- Do not mess with ANYTHING that doesn't belong to them.

My husband's eight year old niece can be a busy body and has violated ALL of these things. I don't want to hurt her feelings or my inlaw's so I try to be nice when I ask her to behave. The weird thing is that nobody says anything to her. My husband gets offended ...

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If I say anything about her to him offline. But things have kind of gotten better. Things just kind of progress from one issue to another. Maybe I am too anal. I think my biggest problem is I think children should be raised like I was raised. My mom was strict but not so strict that it was abnormal. But you just didn't put your feet in furniture and roll around in the carpet. Especially not at that age. You didn't dare go into anybody's refrigerator without asking, nor did you run through the house. We said please and thank you without having to be told.

As you have probably figured out, we do not have kids yet. I sometimes question whether or not I need to.

Answer 1

It is your home and you want to keep it nice. These heathen children have not be taught to respect other people or their property.

I have similar rules at my house and I expect my nieces and nephews to respect my home and my things. Instead of yelling at them which is what I feel like doing when they are acting up, I quietly say something like. I am so happy when you come to visit me at my house. I want you to be on your best behavior and promise not to get into my things. I also make sure that there is something for them to do so that they will not be tempted to get into

If they do not obey, I make them sit on the sofa (time out) I even once asked my sister to leave he daughter at home so that we could visit together without constant interruption.

Am I strict? Yes but now that the kids have grown up, they always tell me that they were afraid of me when they were little but they knew that I loved them and they hated when their mother asked them to behave like they do at Aunt Kelly's house. Children need structure, rules and boundaries. It gives them a feeling of security.

By the way, go ahead and have a child. I know you will be an amazing mother and your child will grow up to be a healthy, happy and well rounded adult that will make you proud everyday.

Answer 2

I think it depends on the age as far as what you should expect from kids. My daughters are 1, they're not yet at the age that they understand not to roll around on the floor, but your neice is far to old to behave in that manner. By that age, actually long before that age, they should be able to understand that there are rules at home and rules for being in public, even if the parents aren't so strict in their own home, they should have taught their daughter that when you're in other's homes or in public period there are different rules. I have seen so many children running wild in recent years that I get very irritated and annoyed at the parents more than the kids. What are they teaching their children, they obviously have no discipline. Don't get me wrong, kids will slip up and act out of line every once in a while no matter how excellent the parenting is, but it shouldn't happen all of the time, a slip up or a phase is unavoidable with chlildren, but some parents need to wake up and do something about their children.

Answer 3

Our house rules are actually very similar to yours, and we have an 8 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. The thing you have to remember about kids though is even the best behaved kids are going to break the rules. They are not adults, just telling them not to do something isn't enough, they are occasionally going to intentionally break rules to test their boundaries, and unintentionally break rules because they are too busy thinking about doing something fun than to remember not to run down the hallway. You just have to have patience and consistancy. With your niece, my suggestion is to make her parents aware of what your house rules are before a visit, so that they can talk to her and make sure she understand what is expected of her. Only the very worst/unattentive parents allow their children to act up at other people's houses...it is possible that they things that you expect aren't exactly what THEY expect at home, and it is unfair to all of them to not be clear. If you see your niece doing something you don't like, just tell her calmly and politely "We don't climb on the furniture at my house." and let it go at that.

Answer 4

i do have kids. they are now 16 and 20. every rule u stated was enforced in our house except they could lie down on the couch without their shoes on. the great thing was i was always invited everywhere with my children because they were so respectful. if they wanted to be rowdy they could go outside and play. they were perfectly comfortable growing up in our home. they each had a bedroom as their own personal space. i only asked that it not be dirty but even messy was OK. people could drop by unexpectedly and have a clear sense of the parents being in charge of the household not the kids. people who let their kids behave as little adults aka brats are no fun to have around because u are only aware of what a brat their child is.

Answer 5

it's your house so you can have any rules you want. very little kids aren't going to get it, but by 8, kids should be able to follow your rules. still, by 8, if she's there for a long time and basicially isn't allowed to lie down, run, jump, or touch anything (since she can't mess with anything that doesn't belong to her) i'd suggest you find a handful of things that she *can* do. sitting around listening to adults talk for any length of time is just not what kids do, and i do think it's unrealistic to expect them to. maybe get some puzzles, some paper and crayons, a set of legos ... or at least ask your niece's parents to bring some stuff that she can do so she won't be so bored.

Answer 6

Nothing wrong with laying on the couch as long as the shoes are off.
No eating throughout the house is a good rule, drinking in other parts of the house is not that big of a deal. Grape juice I would not take that risk.

Washing hands is good.

No running is good

Going in the fridge is OK as long as she is not eating food that is saved for someone else.

The messing with things rule is a good one, but can be overdone.

Rolling in the carpet is not that big of a deal as long a breakables are not near by.

It sound like you may view these children as a risk to your humble home. I think if you are too restrictive you will find them constantly upsetting you. Also you do not want them to view your house as a house of rules. At the same time do not let them mess your house up.

Answer 7

OK ur rules are ur rules and they should be expected to abide by them....I agree with all of them, I am confused about where the rolling around on the floor came in....but in that instance she needs a place to play and be a kid...somewhere where she can do this, where its OK to behave like a kid...I would talk to her about the house rules so she is aware of them, kids want to be good, but if they don't know the rules how can they be? I would maybe offer her a reward for good behavior at ur house , like a trip to the ice cream parlor or some thing cheap, like a little cheap ring or sticker or something when she has done a good job, so she knows u recognize when she has done well.
as for ur hubby, I would talk with him about it and just mention it has to do with manners not that u are trying to hurt feelings or anything.
best wishes
Morgaine

Answer 8

You are afraid to say anything because you are afraid to hurt the kid's feelings.
That is - by far - the stupidest reason I have heard all day, if you excuse me.

Your house, your rules.
Kids are flexible as rubber. They learn in an instant that in your house, the rules are different.
You don't come to somebody's house and bring your own rules.
You also don't give up after one offense. Tell your niece that 'that's not the way things are done here'.

It is pretty obvious that you have no children, by the way.
Give them something to do. Got pens&paper?

Answer 9

i was raised the same way you were and i raised my 3 children that way too, my baby is 17, a boy and when he was a youngster even strangers complemented me on his behavior as if it was something unusual, which i found so odd, in my home you said please or you didn't get, you said thank you, and excuse me when you passed gas, burped, or had to pass close to someone, all the usual things, i see nothing wrong with your standards as good manners will get a child far in life, to show how far we have slipped in our disapline and manners, they have started giving manners as a course to take as these young people had no clue on how to behave in a job interview, or say if there was a luncheon for interviewees or going to dinner with the boss, what a shame that they had to come up with a college course because parents are too afraid to lay down boundries, tell a kid no and enforce proper manners in the home and out in public, we have indeed fallen very far, so you stick to your guns and teach that young lady how to behave in your home, all my children's friends had to follow the same rules at my house as my children did, because as far as i was concerned the most important people in my life were my kids, and if my kids couldn't do something in my home than someone elses children weren't any better than them and were not allowed to get away with it, i never had a complaint from any parent, and if i would have i would have told them the same and if they didn't like it they and their children would have to leave, you run your household, do not allow children to run your household

Answer 10

I don't think she's a heathen. She may not have been told to act the way you expect.
Take the small lady by the arm and speak to very kindly and directly.
Simply say a kind but firm voice, "In this house we ask to see what's in the refrigerator. Please do not open closed doors. Do you understand?"
I believe everyone should be treated with respect and given the missing information!