Domestic Abuse Question?

Question

My stepfather is abusive to my mother. Recently he threatened to kill my mother and even put a loaded shotgun to her head. In all the years that they have been together (23 years) he has been threatening to kill her over the past two.
I've tried everything in my power to help my mom, I've offered to have her stay with me, I've called the police, and I've paid for her to go to counseling, to no avail. I seriously don't know what I can possibly do to help her. I'm so afraid that my stepfather will kill her, but I'm afraid of calling the police on him again because he's extremely manipulative and will convince the police that there's no problem (he's done this in the past and they live in a small town where everyone knows everyone) and I'm afraid he'll beat my mother even worse for telling me about the abuse and "causing trouble." Or he may even come after me and my husband.
I'm at my wits end and don't think that there is anything I can do to help her...any advice would be welcomed.

I live out of state so it's hard for me to take pictures of the bruises. Also she doesn't tell me about the abuse anymore because I usually yell at her for not leaving, and call the police, I always find out when he beats her because she calls my younger sister and I end up having to console my sister because it upsets her. The last time I called the police he beat her again, and I don't want to put her through that again.

Leo, my father died when I was 19

Answer 1

I would go to the local police and talk to them. They should have special people for this situation. Tell them what you are telling us here. They may be able to hatch a plan to help you without you getting involved according to your step dad. It is terrible. She should have watched Oprah about 2 weeks ago, it was a woman that her husband had her so bad that she thought it was her fault and that she was stupid because he called her that so much. Look on her website for information. It has a lot and a hot line also. There are womens shelters and she can get help. Staying really isn't an option...he may do it! You have to keep a detailed diary of what happened and when. write it all down, document , document ,document everything that you are told by her, every bruise you see. every phone call from her and what she says. They use this as evidence and in most states they have more charges if a gun is involved. I'm telling you take the first move...it may help her if a stranger talks to her and she knows that she can get help.
I really think you need to call. Good luck. Prayers coming to you from me and strength for you. Miss Mary

Answer 2

No matter how manipulative he is, he will not be able to hide it if the police come and see your mother with bruises from a fight. I understand that it can be really scary at times like these and the last thing you want is for the police to make it worse, but I really do think going to the police is the best course of action, especially if he has put a loaded gun to her head. Also trying to convince your mother to move in with you for a time is a great idea. Both get enrolled in self defense classes and while it seems a little harsh and extreme, suggest a divorce.

Since it has only been going on for 2 years out of 23, is it possible that something has happened to cause it? Maybe he started drinking or has a new job that causes higher stress? If so, then trying to get him into AA or Anger Management classes might be a good idea. Maybe even getting your mother to talk to him about it is a good idea because it is possible he doesn't know how much he is scaring her.
Other then that I really don't know what you could do.

Answer 3

Since the two of them have been together for 23 years, and you say this started two years ago, some serious change must have occured. Guys don't just love a woman for 21 years, and then turn abusive. Sounds to me like he's the one with problems.

Have you considered the possibility that your father might be slipping into a mental illness of some kind. Since you're an adult with a family, I gather he's at least 50. Dementia can start at that age. Bipolar disorder can start at any age. Vitamin defenciencies can cause similar symptoms as well, so you might find out about what they've been eating. These sorts of problems tend to appear in the man first. Sometimes changing the diet will bring things back to normal quite rapidly.

Well, that's the hopeful side of me talking. Admittedly, buying vitamins doesn'tsound like a brilliant plan, but it's cheap, and if there's any chance this is the cause...

There is another option of course. You say you've paid for counselling services for your mother, so apparetnly you have some money you're willing to spend on this. Have you tried hiring a private investigator? They probably don't come cheap, but they can keep an eye on things for you, and get the kind of evidence that will keep him away from her for quite a while. Some of the more expensive ones can even give him a taste of his own medicine... supposedly... not that I recommend doing anything illegal.

Answer 4

There's nothing you can do to help her, but to just be paient until she finally sees that what your step-dad is doing is wrong.

It's impossible to help someone if they won't take it.

You sound like a great person, your family will be in my prayers. I hope your mom gets out of that relationship soon.

Oh, and if your mom ever has a bruise, try showing it to the police, or something..I mean, if they've been called to your mother's house before, then I'm sure they're a little bit suspicus of the whole situation. Plus, if it's a small town, then I'm sure not everyone thinks that your step-dad is walking on roses. The truth will have to slip sooner or later, and I'm sure you can get a neighbor as a witness to help testify.

OR you could get a cop from previous years.

Idk, I'll pray for you/family/friends, though.

Answer 5

Most states now require that the perpetrator of domestic violence be arrested when a complaint to the police is made. At least that is how it works in my state. The thing is, unless your mother calls to make the complaint there is little that can be done.

Temporary restraining orders or civil protection orders can be put in place as well and if those are violated an arrest can occur. Many states make violations of those felonies.

The problem in your situation appears to be that these types of actions may do little to hinder his violence to your family. Additionally, being arrested for domestic violence will only keep him locked up for a short period of time.

Those are basically your options at this point in time. Short of convincing your mother to file charges against that man I don't really see any solution.

Answer 6

You could still go to the police and have them document that he has been doing this. There is a strong possibility that one day he will follow through on his threats. Make sure people know about his behavior so that in the even that he harms your mother, there will be lots of people who had knowledge that he was a beast, otherwise he will smile and concoct some tale and literally get away with murder. I'm sorry, but if your mother refuses to leave this man, there's nothing anyone can do. How do you feel about exposing him on one of those TV shows like Dr. Phil, Montel, Oprah? Maybe that will shock your mom back to reality.

Answer 7

Understand THIS first.

Your mother is an adult. Adult makes their own decisions. YOU, no matter how concerned you are, no matter how sincere you are in your attempt to help her, IF she doesn't act on her own, there is NOTHING you can do to help the situation.

One exception to this rule is if you "Baker Act" your mother. Baker acting is a legal method that you (through the courts) declear someone incompetant and take over their affairs.

Your mother's situation is (unfortunately) typical of many abuse situations. It seems you did everything you can already. If your mother doesn't want to act on her own, even if you call police and the officers see the signs of abuse, there is nothing they can do. Police needs her to press charges before they can forward the case to the district attorney's office.

Just in case she IS ready, give her the number for your local abused women shelter. It will be entirely up to her to make a decision and go there; however.

Answer 8

In order to file a complaint against him, you would have had to actually see him do something, such as put the gun against her head. She has to make the move. In most places, there are hotlines for help & shelters. If she is too intimidated to leave, it will only get worse. I'm talking from experience. Unfortunately, there is little you can do.

I was with my ex for 9 years. People warned me about him, but I thought I could help him. One of the ways he controlled me was by saying he would come after my family & friends if I left him. I stayed as long as I did because he convinced me of that & I thought I was protecting them.

The last night I was with him, he beat me & kept me locked in a room with him all night. When he let me out, I rented a room & left with nothing but my clothes (and I was the bread-winner). I filed for a restraining order & eventually the police arrested him. Before this, he was the nice guy & I was the ***** in the eyes of law enforcement. He was only in jail for 5 weeks! There is a court order so he can't come near me. He still tried contacting my friends & relatives to try to turn them against me.

I can't say he won't come after anyone else if she leaves, because I don't know him, but it didn't happen in my case. If she stays, odds are, she will be killed.

I have a poem about an abusive guy giving his woman flowers, which ends up with him giving her flowers at her funeral. I'll type it out for you if you think it might help. E-mail me.

Answer 9

I cant understand this fear factor. Wish you were not fearful. Fear paralyses thought.

You will need to get all your bullets in place before going out firing. By that I DONT mean a gun, get a number of supporters who will be on call an ready to jump to your rescue. They will be witnesses to this situation. get them to talk to the police, when necessary. They will be your protection, their words can stand up in court if necessary. Get a camera installed and record the events.

Mainly, try to reform your stepfather. Try and see what is bugging him. HE is probably as afraid as you, perhaps. Most people are good at heart. So you don't need to give him the third degree.

Answer 10

Wow, sounds like you are in a bad position. Is there anyone that is in authority you can talk to about this? Is there a place in your town your mom can go to get away from him? A shelter of sorts?
In the end, it's your moms decision. Maybe you could talk to her, tell her she doesn't deserve this abuse. A lot of women feel they deserve it. Would she read a book on it?
She may never leave him and that is something you might have to accept.
You could always pray for her.
Oh, look up cafemom, it's a bunch of groups about different subjects women can join. One is domestic abuse, if you want the web address email me.