How can I ease the tension between my fiancee and my sister?

Question

I got engaged 9 months ago and my family (with the exception of my mom) doesn't even know it yet. The reason I've chosen not to announce this is that my sister hates my fiancee. I've discussed this with her and she simply gets fuming mad and says it's because I love her (my fiancee) more than my family and that she causes me to miss family functions. Before this tension arose I never did miss a family function but there were a couple times that I left ealry with my fiancee because she was getting very homesick and felt like she was going to cry, she was embarrassed. Her family lives almost 1500 miles away and she gets homesick, especially when she's around another family enjoying their time together. Since my sister and I have "talked" I have skipped some family events to avoid the discomfort but I'm really in a lose-lose situation here. If I skip a family funtion my family gets a little offended (and my sister get's ammunition) and my fiancee also gets upset because she feels she's

coming between me and my family. If I go it usually ends with my sister saying or doing something rude to increase the discomfort, which in turn leads to me driving home with my fiancee choking back tears in the passenger seat. Right now I'm dreading Christmas, it's going to be at my sister's house. I plan on spending the morning and early afternoon with just my fiancee but at soome point we're going to have to go see the family and I'm convinced it will end in tears. Any suggestions at all, and keep in mind that talking to my sister is impossible, if she's made up her mind it can't be unmade and she's perfectly willing to resort to yelling and screaming, even in front of her daughter and the rest of the family.

I have stuck for her, me and my sister have yelled at each other on multiple occasions over this. I've never known anyone as stubborn though, it does no good at all.

I should point out that the couple of instances where we skipped family functions was by my choice. I got in trouble with the fiancee on each occasion. I just didn't want to put her in that uncomfortable environment and I was tired of almost coming to blows with the sister.

To answer a questions below, when we're with my family and my fiancee starts to feel homesick she'll usually let me know and then excuse herfeslf so she can go call her mom or another family member, it usually helps her feel a little better. As far as my family is concerned, my mom tries very hard to include my fiancee in everything and has tried talking to my sister (but as I say, nothing gets through). My brothers are both quiet people so they don't say much more than "Hello, how are you?", but that's just their way, same with me.

Answer 1

i feel really sorry for your poor fiance! sorry to be blunt but it sounds like your sisters being a spoilt brat. I think you should stand up for your fiance more and if your sister doesnt like it, tough! when you grow up and have adult relationships, you do have different priorities, maybe when your sister gets a boyfriend she will understand! you def need to take the matter in hand now before your fiance starts to resent you.

Answer 2

Your sister should respect your choices. She says that your fiance is coming between you and your family, but your sister is the culprit here! Of course shes going to end up in tears... being married means shes going to be a part of your family... and your sister has to accept it. It seems really petty, and if you dont end it NOW (the animosity, not the engagement) then it will just snowball to the point that your fiance will leave. Go to Xmas alone, and at dinner or brunch or whatever, bring it up to the FAMILY. I'm sure SOMEONE in your family will support you and stick up for you and your girl. But, the WHOLE FAMILY needs to be address with this issue... you need all the support you can get. You need to get it across that your fiance isnt going anywhere anytime soon, and the sooner your sister accepts this fact, the happier everyone will be!

That being said, you should also talk to you fiance (after the convo with the fam) about family functions. Maybe she wont get as homesick if the tension is eased. I have a feeling that the animosity was always there (girls are catty!) and she always felt that your sister did not like her. Either way, she still needs to make an effort to be a part of your family, because when you get married, she really IS a part of the family.

**edit** when i say the whole fam needs to be involved in the discussion, i mean to say EVERYONE, and it needs to be "intervention style" maybe you could tell your mom about it beforehand she she can be prepared as well.

Answer 3

Once you are married of course you will love your wife more than your family- that is the way it suppose to be.
However, that said: I think it is important that your fiance starts to learn to love your family and appreciate your family. Every family is different and the dynamics which make up families and how they interact is different. Your family will interact much different than hers, and it is important that she enjoys her time with your family, so instead of indulging the natural feelings of being homesick and escaping from your family functions establish some stradegies to deal with the homesickness without distrupting your families time together. Your fiancee may want to bring a book, a camera, art supplies or other hobby that when she starts to feel down she can disengage emotionally by persuing another activity. You should enlist your mom to help in this and make sure she will support it. You might also inlist your mother into coming up with stradegies to emotionally support your fiancee.
Also make sure that your sister knows that you still love her and will be there for her but this is a special time in your life as well. There are lots of ways of doing that- you can make sure you always bring her favorite flowers, or note cards, or perfume or something that lets her know you think of her. During family functions take a little time out and ask her if she would like to go for a walk with you, or tell her you would like to take some photos of her and you together and make an album of just the two of you because she is special.
Best Wishes on your up coming marriage

Answer 4

I don't know how your family is, but mine is pretty open about telling each other how we feel and no regrets.

If it were MY family, I'd explain the situation why, and if they had a problem with it they can just get over it. If they made a problem of it, and if I felt future hubby was worth it, I'd be willing to even further separate myself from them.

They need to understand that this woman is someone special to you and you want to share the rest of your life with her. If they really love you, they will make a better effort to be understanding.

You are doing the right thing by putting your future wife before your family. Once you are married you and your wife come FIRST, then family (and in-laws), then friends, etc.

Does your family make any attempt to try to make your fiance feel at home, welcome, and part of the family? AND aside from avoiding anything referencing to being together with family, what else does your fiance do to cope with the inevitable and to help make life with her future husband more tolerable with his family? What does she do to help get over being homesick so often? I guess I never really got homesick when I have been away so I cannot relate with her situation.

Answer 5

You need to tell your sister that it's time to start considering other people's feelings. Maybe if she started being nice to your poor fiance and treating her like family and including her in things, she (your fiance) wouldn't feel so homesick and would look forward to going to family functions. Tell you sister to consider HER (your fiance) family, and how they don't get to see either of you for THEIR family functions, so stop being GREEDY. It sounds to me like your sister misses having control over you.

Yes, your sister is being a spoiled brat, yelling and screaming, I feel sorry for her daughter having to see her mother acting like that, she'll(your niece) start to think that it's normal behaviour. Next time she starts yelling, very calmly tell her that her daughter (however old she is) can act more mature than she (your sister) can.

That worm guy made a good point. Have a talk with your mother and see if she'll sit down and have a talk with your fiance. Maybe your mom can make her feel more at home and welcomed, which can put her at ease, knowing she has an ally in the family besides you, and there is someone she can go to when she feels homesick.

Well there's your problem right there: You and your brothers are quiet, which means, your sister is used to having the run of the house because you and your brothers don't say much to stop her. She's used to having her say, and that being the only thing said. Tell her to grow up, she' not going to be the only girl in the family anymore, and I bet she doesn't like that.

Answer 6

Your sister seems to be a spoiled brat. You are an adult and have made an adult decision. You SHOULD be spendng more time with your future wife. Your will miss family functions with your parents and siblings for a life time. She (your sister)will miss functions when she's engaged. I am sure your parents had to miss functions with your grandparents. You and your fiancee are a new family system. It seems as though your fiancee is not the problem, you are trying to avoid your sister therefore to showing up to events. Tell your sister if she wants to see more of you then she needs to change her act. Good luck in your marriage. Hope you will take care ofeach oter untill old age. Your sister will not e there to take care of you when you are old. She'll get over it, of she's a good sister.

Answer 7

You proberly wont b able to. Your sister is being childish and petulent i bet she isint married??? as for your new bride getting home sick lot's of attention when she's feeling upset i suggest that she has a talk with some-one other then your or your family strangly enough people find it easir to open up 2 a stranger... Go 2 a family function and if she start's 2 feel homesick go and sit in the car for a few munite's. Maby she should carry a picture in a locket around her neck of all her family.. Also remind her that we have E-mail vidoe phones telephones she can call and speek to her parent's when ever she wish's.. :-) Best of luck m8 .

Answer 8

Tell your sister that you love her, and that since she's forced you to choose then goodbye. And mean it. Emotional blackmail is something mean people do, not family for god sakes! If she's one of those people who force you to be blunt - then by all means, give her what she wants! Ammunition my butt - she's got nothing. Choose. If it's a business your in with your family - would you really want business partners like that?! Ammunition? Put everything out on the table, then you take away the ammunition. It's also very freeing. Start fresh, start new. Take a deep breath, and take care of the hen-peckin' sister.

Tell your sister straight up, "...sis, there's not even a contest here!" Love ya. Bye.

Man up dude. Sorry your family is that way. Remember, "LET NO MAN/WOMAN PUT ASUNDER..."

Answer 9

Dude, I married an Asian woman. A lot of the old people in my family have some kind of a racist bone in them. I just said F@#k it because it is my life and my wife has already done more positive things in her young life then they have done in their entire life. If you know your significant other enough to want to marry them, by all means, do it. Because it is what you want. If you have to do something for yourself in life, marry the person you love who is your best friend because they will continue to be your best friend if you love them for who they are and what they do. Isn't it written in the Bible that when you get married you leave your family and start fresh somewhere else? That is because with too much outside interference your marriage can be ruined. Where do you think Mother-in-Law jokes came from??? Make yourself happy, not your family because you are making a nnew family by getting married. Also, you will miss family functions on both sides. Personally I can only eat so much Turkey on thanksgiving before I get sick! I told my Family too bad, I have a prior engagement. You can't be in 2 places at once. Tell your sister to take a flying leap. She should be happy for you that you found someone you love enough to marry. Stay true to yourself and your soon to be wife. Be the team you are supposed to be! I'm rooting for you!

Answer 10

Families are so important and when someone you love doesn't like someone else you love, it causes tension.

It sounds like your sister has some other issues she is not saying. It sounds like you told her about how you feel about her hating your fiance.

I would go ahead and go to the Christmas function with your fiance. If she says anything, or before she says anything, Tell her you love your fiance so much. Your sister doesn't have to, but your sister can be polite and courteous towards her. It is disrespectful to be rude. You are the adult and make your own decisions, not your fiance making your decisions. If she continues to be rude, you will not subject your fiance to such things.

I pray your family gets along. Merry Christmas.

Answer 11

Dude, one thing that everyone needs to understand is that if you are going to get married (if she is your fiance, that means you are engaged) then you are starting a new family of your own even if it is just you and your wife. A marriage is a melding of two families who are bonded by you and your wife's love for each other. Not everybody is going to have to absolutely fall in love with each other. They just have to at least be civil to each other. Your wife will be a part of your family and you will be a part of her family. It is up to you both how much of a part. Your sister needs to let go and let you have your life. You are getting married, dude. Your sister cannot satisfy that function in your life. You have to be sensitive to your fiance's need emotionally, on the other hand she should not be demanding nor jealous of time you need to spend with your family. She should not be keeping you away from family time. It has to be give and take and that is not you give and she takes, but you both have to be willing to yield to the other when it is necessary for each of you to fulfill your obligations, whether it has to do with your family, your job or just your own peace of mind, dude. Marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100, both of you have to give 100% to each other 100% of the time and hopefully you can come to a perfect balance. That is how love grows, and love is the perfect bond of union. Try talking to each of them individually to find out what the real underlying issues are, then try sitting down with both of them to have them talk it out and try to keep them seeing the big picture of family oneness and togetherness, perhaps your sister will accept her into the family and your family can become her substitute while away from her own family until you can go with her to see them.