it's not exactly a contious choice...but i've come to admit that i'm extremly attracted to men that are specifically unkind to me. if i work with a male and we constanly but heads, there is a good chance i've contimplated taking him to the back room and straddling him up against the office desk. nice guys on the other hands...i want to like them...but the attraction isn't there. i know it's unfair...these are the guys that deserve my approval. i'm not sure if this irrational attraction to jerks was generated by some deep rooted issues i had with my crazy brother or first boyfriend who was pretty mean...or if it's as simple as...thats just what floats my boat. i would like to change this preference. are there any girls who WERE this way and changed. PLEASE no insults...i'm not proud of this behavior, i want advise on how to change.
2007-12-19 08:51:46 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
heh...sorry for all the typo's i was trying to bang this question out, but my fingers aren't feeling soo limber today.
2007-12-19 08:53:54 · update #1
you're probably right. It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you are loveable if you can get a mean nasty person to love you.
or
you could be the kind of woman who wants to "heal" him of his hurt. Show him that no matter how badly he treats you, you will not abandon him as everyone in his past has.
(do you recognize yourself in either of those statements?)
You've recognized the pattern (always picking jerks), now you need to go about correcting the pattern. You may need to see a counselor for this. If you are in college, then the school has people you can talk to. If you are employed, find out if your employer has an EAP (employee's assitance program)--they will refer you to a counselor that is covered by your insurance. Or check your community for someone who will work with you on a sliding scale if you are uninsured and can't afford to see a counselor on your own.
2007-12-19 09:12:12 · answer #1 · answered by Invisigoth 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know what you are saying. I used to be attracted to the bad boys and after about 3 serious relationships with them and seeing that they are all the same and they always hurt my heart I decided it was time for a change now I have a wonderful boyfriend who is a nice guy and treats me very well and for some reason this works for me now. Its wierd hes not my type at all but it works perfectly. The only thing you will get out of these jerks is heartbreak. I know they seem way more interesting and fun but the truth is the nice guys can be just as fun and crazy and the jerks can. Eventually you will get tired of them hurting you and breaking your heart and you will change your ways. Its something only you can decide to do. When you have had enough you will know and look at things differently.
2007-12-19 08:59:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not one single girl should pick on you because mostly every single female in the world has been through the same thing! All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU! Give yourself a huge pat on the back and hug for making this realization that many never ever do!!! My advice is next time give the "nice" guy that is kinda cute or kinda interesting a chance. He may not seem like the type you want to have throw you up against a wall in the first place, but if you give him a chance you just might change your mind!!!!
BUT AGAIN GOOD JOB SWEETIE FOR TAKING THE FIRST STEP!!!
2007-12-19 08:59:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm not a woman but I can tell you I think I know what your getting at. I see this in a lot of woman I have dated and meet. I'm one of those nice guys. That saying nice guys finish last is very true I think. My view of it is that it's a dominance thing. Some woman look at that as a strong, sexy thing when they are treated like they are not wanted or maybe even badly. You can look at lions and there behaviors in nature. A lot are very similar to this. I'm not saying we are the same but we can learn a lot from nature I think. Also, I do think it CAN be from a early childhood, teenage years. That only you will know. I have never asked a girl out in my life. The women I have dated have always came from friends first. If they give me time I can normally show them I have many sides. Sides they wouldn't see normally because of how formal I am and respectful to women. The good guys maybe finish last but are the ones to keep in my view. Give them time and a chance and you will be surprised.
2007-12-19 09:04:16 · answer #4 · answered by Tom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well it's a start to realize what's going on. Unfortunately for myself, having realized that and having some therapy hasn't resulted in any attraction whatsover for nice guys, though it has helped me walk away from the STRONG attractions I still feel for bad boys.
I suspect I would have to fully work through my abusive childhood and deep feelings of inadequacies and unworthiness, with the resultant anger and hurt. And it's not just the family unit - it's a set-up by the very society we live in, so the abuse is ongoing. Problem is, I have these little roadblocks like full time work plus single parenting plus the constant bombardment of stressors and crises as a result of being poor. So I have to resign myself to being alone for the time being.
We like these guys because deep down we feel that's what we deserve/something we are used to from childhood plus it's a self-destructive thing born out of anger. If you can resolve that, great! If not, we'll have the worldwide lonely hearts club to share the misery on Friday and Saturday nights...
2007-12-19 09:02:34 · answer #5 · answered by AJ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For some reason or other we find these men under the rocks and we seem a patteren of doing it boy have i been there in the rock digging before,, But i thought about it for somtime that i have gotton nothing from under the rocks and i decided to raise my standards in men boost my self esteem somtimes we had the bad boys for so long we don't know how to act when a good one comes along just raise your bar and write down what you think is attractive in a man caring conciderate list all the things positive and tell your self no more dumpster diving trust me i have been in the dumpster picking up trash when i was alot younger then i set standards for my self and the men i allowed in my life and i have had better results
good luck
2007-12-19 08:59:26 · answer #6 · answered by Hulagirl96734 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to really discover yourself as you get older. I actually went to a counselor to find out why I kept men at arms length. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me.
Sometimes we do that because we think we do not deserve anyone who is nice and we choose the wrong people for us. Sometimes it is the excitement and challenge. Sometimes it is because you don't feel you deserve the respect that you should get all the time.
You want someone who is confident in who he is, not someone who is really mean. When we are with someone who is mean, then we tend to take on a challenge to see if we can change them. We cannot.
Sometimes you may mistake the appeared strength of the wrong guy for something else. If you actually get to know someone who is really a nice guy, you may discover that this man has many strengths that you really never imagined. They may have what you "need" and you not know it.
I found out why I felt the way I did towards people who did or did not do something to me. I was molested as a little girl and I was always friendly to that person. To the person that caught him molesting me, I would actually have an anxiety attack if they even tried to tickle me. I discovered through counseling that I was mad at that person because although they caught him, they did nothing to protect me and blamed me. It took me well into my adult years to discover it.
I would encourage you to discover yourself and give yourself the respect you deserve. It is ok to want a guy with excitement and knows what he wants, but it isn't ok to be abused. You deserve much much more than that. Hugs to you. Merry Christmas.
2007-12-19 09:02:41 · answer #7 · answered by Stephanie F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, you need to realize that you are a living, breathing priceless work of art and you deserve only the best.
You deserve to be treated with the upmost respect and dignity.
There is nothing wrong with a "bad" boy as long as he is kind to you and treats you well.
You can't help who you fall in love with..
"It's crazy when love gets a hold of you.
It's crazy things that love will make you do.
And it's crazy but its true
you really don't know love at all
until its making you do something crazy"
Just respect yourself and everything will fall into place.
2007-12-19 08:59:28 · answer #8 · answered by Lauren C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could never understand women who associated with a$$holes. I'm one of these 'nice' guys you mentioned; always treated my girl well, did nice things for her, held open the door, paid the bill at a restaurant, bought flowers etc. I had a hard time finding a girl for a while. Then I'd see a great-looking girl with some guy who was treating her like gum off the bottom of his shoe or something. What the ???
CHANGE YOUR WAYS. I finally found a beautiful woman who appreciates what I do for her; we're married now, six years. She had a friend of hers who was like you, dated bad guys. This last one she dated KILLED HER. We told her to drop him but it was too late.
If you can't change on your own, see a counsellor. Please.
2007-12-19 08:59:44 · answer #9 · answered by Me in Canada eh 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Liking jerks is a sure sign of low self-esteem, especially if it is related to abuses you suffered earlier in your life. Poor self-image is never innate, it is always learned. Partly I think you feel less vulnerable with jerks because you know up front you won't develop any love or high expectations for them, and thus won't risk your fragile heart.
Yet, with good therapy and counseling, you can cure your problem and change your self-destructive behavior.
2007-12-19 09:00:53 · answer #10 · answered by RE 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋