Is there Hope for my marriage on the rocks!??

Question

My husband is in rehab for about a month now, we've been separated for about 5 months. I kicked him out because he hit my sister and pushed me around when he was drunk.

During the separation he has smoked crack, done other drugs, spent our money on partying, hit me, threw his wedding ring at my head (after he came back from rehab the first time, slit his wrists in front of mewhich he was there for about 3 weeks), and also told me that the 2 regrets in life are me and our daughter (who is 4). He also has a warrant for DV, and antoher for traffic tickets.

I know you are prolly thinking, "Divorce him already, how stupid are you!" BUT i still have feelings for him, like i feel sorry for him. i also feel SOO GUILTY because of my daughter.

He says he is "changing". However I dont think someone can change that quick. The rehab he is in is a Christian one, and they don't do any steps or allow medication for depression (which he was on).

Do people like this change?? is there Hope??

Answer 1

Frankly, you need to get some distance between you and him. He is a nut case that will need treatment for quite a long time. He only wants to use you for meals and a place to stay. Don't be a sucker, put your emotions and feelings with your daughter. She truly needs you.

Answer 2

Hmmm, I would not stay with him out of guilt or feeling sorry for him. Don't feel guilty because of your daughter, She needs to see that this is not acceptable behavior and she does not need to put up with that from any man. If you are staying for her sake, you are only setting her up for doing the same thing in the future with someone who mistreats her.

Now, with a Christian point of view in mind... I realize that divorce is only allowed in cases of adultery. However, I look at using drugs as adultery because it is a love of something earthly that takes precedence above you and your daughter. (note: I said earthly...God should always come first but then the next is family)

My husband was drinking periodically after we got married even though I had married him with him KNOWING, I would not marry him if he were drinking. ( He had some real problems with alcohol and I am a recovering alcoholic and will not have it in my home) This, to me was worse than having a mistress because I can fight a human but I can't fight alcohol. How could I ever win against it?

He is currently aware that if he continues to drink that I will either make him leave or leave myself. Even if I can't afford it. It is better for me and my daughter to live in a hole in the ground than to put up with abuse and neglect caused by drinking.

I would be a bit concerned that he is in a treatment center for alcoholism that will not allow mental health drugs though. I know that Mental health issues have a chemical basis for them. I also know that sometimes a person who is alcoholic will use the alcohol to self medicate. If both issues are not faced at the same time (Depression and alcoholism- called dual diagnosis) the risk for failure is high.

Depression is a known trigger for alcoholism. They feel better when they drink at first, and eventually it works less and less so they need to drink more and more to get the same effect. If you treat the alcoholism and not the depression... you run the risk of still being depressed and eventually drinking again to attempt to feel better if only for a short time.

If you treat the depression and not the alcoholism, the medications do not work with drugs and alcohol. The person will eventually think the medications don't work and will just stop them and continue drinking and being depressed.

This is a difficult problem to treat but I do know from experience that they both have to be handled at the same time. I wish you luck on your decision and I hope you can do what is best for you and your child.

Answer 3

The Bible definitely has the power to change lives for the better - Hebrew 4:12. Learning about God and following His standards can enable us to put on what the Bible calls the 'new personality' - Ephesians 4:22-24. By doing this we can cultivate and display the 'fruitages of the spirit' - Galations 5:22&23.

Answer 4

Your feelings for him are feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty you are bringing your daughter up in this situation. You will not change him, I have been there and tried. He will continue his behaviors, he is thinking only of him. Is staying with him or divorcing him better for your daughter?? That is where your thoughts should be first and secondly, are you better for your daughter with an abusive husband or without. It is not about you or him, your daughter is your number 1 concern and keeping her safe is important. While under the influence he has abused you and your sister, what makes you think your daughter is safe and she is not realizing what is going on.

Yes there is hope, for you and your daughter to move on and live a great life on your own. It will not be easy, you may need to get a into a group, Al Anon or someone personal to help you understand you are a good person and you deserve to be with a good person.

I wish you lots of happiness and a healthy future for you and your daughter. Remember she is your number 1 right now to protect!!!!

Answer 5

Only if your marriage is built on the Rock, Jesus Christ. One of you needs to utterly commit the marriage to God, and it isn't going to be your husband, is it? But the Christian rehab unit will have Christians in it who will not only be offering practical help but prayers and miracles DO happen in response to faith! There's a Christian rehab unit in the west of Scotland that has a far higher success rate with alcoholics than the non-Christian groups. Why? Because they not only care to save people from dying of liver disease but also to save their souls. Once a soul is saved, the power of God transforms that person. Medication for depression is useless with alcoholics, by the way. It only masks the symptoms causing their depression (the alcohol addiction). They have to be set free from alcoholism before any underlying depression can be detected. It is most likely the alcohol that is causing his depression because alcohol is a depressant. Hang on in there - pray - keep a safe distance - exercise tough love - Christians will be praying for all of you too.

Answer 6

Wow, that's terrible. Keep on praying like crazy for him - try fasting too. Get everyone to pray for him. It sounds like he needs to deal with an awful lot of stuff....there must be a reason he is drinking, using, partying, and even attempting suicide. I wonder what pain he is trying to drown? I will go out on a limb and say his behaviour probably hasn't got much at all to do with you, and that he is lashing out at you because you are there. What kind of childhood did he have? Was he abused or anything like that? There must be something, some hurt he is running from.

It may also be that he needs to be on some kind of meds if he has depression, and if that's the case he should get back on them asap. It might make his rehab easier if he doesn't have to deal with depression. Is he maybe bipolar? Hmmm. I can see why you feel sorry for him, just be careful not to let that pity lead you to do anything foolish.

Anyways, separation is probably a good thing for now, until he shows evidence that he has really changed. Be kind to him, talk with him, that sort of thing. Be careful about him spending time with your daughter too. But I don't know about giving up just yet. Both of you are still alive, therefore there is still hope. At this point, though, the only one who can change him, really change him, is Jesus Christ. So keep on praying, and take what chances you can to talk to him about Christ. I hope things work out for you guys. (((hugs)))

Answer 7

Ultimately it is your decision but I do believe you should really think about your 4 year old... who cares what you feel, think of what bringing him back into your life could do to your child. A good mother cares for the well-being of their children and is it truly safe to accept him back into your life?

With that said I don't mean you can't forgive him but make sure that he has sincerely changed, give it time, like you said people cannot change that quick... let his actions prove he regrets what he put you both through.

I truly hope things prove positive.

Answer 8

What is the saving grace in any situation is love.

Without love one only reacts to the situation presented.

You are part of the problem and part of the solution.

Understand and learn what love is.
I do not talk of romantic feelings, desire for one another or feelings of emotion towards each other.
Feeling guilty, stupid, sorry, does not constitute something "workable" necessarily.

It does take all parties to be interested, committed, and present to "allow" love to 'be' in any relationship.

Either trust in the divine in all, or continue to feel fear.

Let it all go, all the judgement, all the if so buts, all the what ifs, all the you did that.
Judge not, as you judge yourself.
In judging him, you gather around you those who also judge.

Love is the only answer, and is the answer.

Love is beyond all politics, all judgement, all fear.
Learn relaxation techniques eg meditation.

Put effort into knowing self.

Trust and ask within for the "answer" to your situation.
Remember this is how "you" see it. It is your "lesson" relative to you and how you live.

Heed this, or go round and round on the merry-go-round of sameness, smallness, fear and judgement.

Bright blessings to you

Answer 9

The only thing that is certain in life is change. Of course people are capable of change, however...

This man's actions show that you have every reason to believe that he will continue to hurt you and may very well start hurting your daughter (if he hasn't already) until he DOES change. Presuming that he can and will, he is just as capable of changing, and likely has a much better chance of changing faster, more easily, and more permanently if he is separated from the people he has hurt and can potentially hurt (namely you, your daughter and your family). I also feel personally that he should be admitted into a rehab facility that will medicate him properly - speaking as someone who was previously diagnosed with depression, he was prescribed medication for a reason. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and without medication helping to correct that imbalance, his chances of recovery (and overcoming his depression) are even less likely, which is sadly slim to begin with.

Also, just because change is possible doesn't mean that he will, so if he is, unfortunately, unable to, the best thing for your and your daughter's safety is to remove this man and his influence from your lives. Losing someone you love hurts very much, but you need to remember that who your husband is now is not the same as who he was when you fell in love with him. You need to ask yourself if you didn't have the history that you do with this man, would you still fall in love with who he has become?

And if you would like to stay with him for your daughter's sake, you would be doing her an injustice. Trapping yourself in a dangerous marriage, or even simply just a loveless one, for the sake of keeping both a father and mother figure in a child's life does more harm for them than good. You need to understand that your relationship with your husband is the primary example your daughter will have for how relationships are supposed to work - ask yourself, is the relationship you have with your husband one that you want your daughter to have in her future relationships?

Feeling guilty is natural, but none of this is your fault - or your daughter's, who may very well feel guilty for some of this herself (children have a tendency to see, hear, think and know more than parents think they do). No matter what your decision, it would be helpful for you to join a support group like AA (www.alanon.com) who is there for not only people with alcohol addictions but for the friends and family who are effected by someone else's, or seek therapy and support from a mental health professional.

I URGE you, for the sake of your daughter, if not for yourself, remove your husband's influence from your and your daughter's lives until he PROVES that he can treat both of you with the love and respect you both deserve from a husband and a father.

Answer 10

It's up to him.

You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.

The problem with a 'christian' rehab is that it just takes away the drugs/alcohol, and fills their heads with superstitious nonsense instead of getting at the root of the problem.

If he keeps on regressing, then he needs professional help. The problem is that drug addiction in this country is treated as a crime rather than a sickness. Most drug addicts end up in prison either as a result of posession of drugs, or due to crimes committed in order to get money to feed their habit.

The result is overcrowded prisons, and no solution to the problem - the 'war on drugs' is a sad joke that doesn't even slow the flow of hard drugs into this country.