Utah Mormons???

Question

I have been a member of the chrch my entire life and have lived in Utah for most of it. One thing I noticed is that only in Utah is it that girls that are over 25 and not married are looked down on. In utah you are suppose to be married by 18 or 19 i guess. Why is this? I think it is very wrong to have people think this way. I am going to be divorced soon and will be back in the dating markent and I am 26. When i loved in NY being unmarried at 26 or older was common. Why is it that way in Utah? Please no rude coments about The LDS religion.

i guess i should mention that i am getting a divorce because my husband has been abusing me. just because i am getting a divorce does not mean i am not a christan. i need to keep me safe.

Answer 1

I hear your pain. First of all I want to tell you that I was never told by any leaders that I had to be married that young. I honestly think that it seems to be an unspoken thing- that there seems to be pressure about.

Please remember that New York and Utah are different cultures and the people seem to have different mentalities. In New York people tend to be less family oriented. They tend to have more of a "when everything is just perfect in my life and I have done all I want to do, then if I feel like it I might get married and start a family, but not nessesarily in that order"
In Utah, we tend to get married and let things work themselves out. I think really a happy medium in more healthy. Take time get to know each other, live on your own for a year or so, then if it is right, and you are both on the same page with what you want out of life- then get married.

I don't think getting married young is always the problem. If young people take time to get to know each other and make sure that they have common interest values and goals and are committed to the same things, then it can work out. It is the 19 year olds who meet and are married 6 weeks later that I worry about. I think the really dangerous mentality is the belief that there will be no problems in a temple marriage and that RM's are perfect Mormon boys. Many times we tend to ignore the problems that exist while dating or the engagement because we are getting married in the temple and everything will be perfect.

I have not served in Young Womens for years so I don't know what kind of programs they have. I would like to see them teaching our youth to take their time while dating, get to know each other. Just really make a push to make sure that they know that a temple marriage, does not guarantee a happy marriage.

I feel your pain because I was divorced at 27. I married and RM from my ward who's mother had been my YW president. I had kind of known him for several years, you know how it is, he was a few years older than me, I saw him at youth activities and at church. I never really hung out with him though until we started dating. I thought that he was Mr. Peter Priesthood- but nothing was farther from the truth. If I would have paid attention to how I was feeling and the promptings of the spirit I would not have married him.

Now- I am 30 and engaged again. I Dated my fiance for over a year before we got engaged. I had time to interact with his, observe him in different situations, learn the kinds of media he likes, what he wants out of life, political views..etc.. We became great friends and then grew to love each other. I am much happier, much calmer and much more relaxed this time. I know that he is a Man of God, because I took the time to find that out for sure. The only thing is- now I have to wait to marry him, I have to get my first sealing canceled so that we can marry- that is really no fun. I can make some plans, but have to wait for that. But that is the consequence of the choice I made to marry the wrong person the first time.

Edit**
You will be amazed at how many people there are that have been divorced in your ward. I did not know until I was divorced and they shared their experiences with me. My biggest concern was being an our cast at church- you know like on Singles Ward - when he says a divorced Mormon should have a "Factory Recall" notice on their foreheads- I totally felt like that, but not because anyone treated me badly- I just felt weird for about a year and a half. Just get involved in singles activities- They have a 25-30ish singles program where I live, in Boise. Institute has been a blessing in my life. It really does get easier though. I did not have abuse to deal with- he had addictions he would not overcome.

You could always move to Idaho- the culture is much different here. I grew up in Utah and hated people saying how snooty Utah Mormons are- I vowed I would never say that. I moved out of Utah and well, lets just say- I never want to move back- I love it here, the people are so friendly.

Answer 2

No offense to Utah mormons but there is no way in the world I would ever ever ever move to Utah. As a mormon in southern ca I think we are a bit more grounded in the "real world" sometimes. 18 or 19, even by mormon standards, is pretty dang young. I would say the average is more 22, 23 here. There is actually quite an extensive midsingles program of ages 26-40.
I think you might be a little nervous about being single again and you may not realize just how many mormons are actually single and around your age. Look for programs and groups aimed at your age group. I bet if you really looked you will find quite a few.



For all you non mormons that clearly dont have a clue, the mormon church teaches all people, including women (actually esp women lately) that college and an education is incredibly important. I cant tell you the number of lessons I had in Young Womens where they specifically addressed the importance of education and job skills and basically told everyone you need to go to college and be prepared to support yourself.

Answer 3

I have learned that there are "Mormons" and "Utah Mormons." While it may be the same church, the culture in Utah is really weird! This includes young marriages down to having a lime jello at a ward activity (Mormon joke - they always have lime jello).

I think the difference between the groups is ONLY culture. The church has nothing to do with it. The church doesn't condone such horrible behavior.

For example, we lived in West Jordan (south of SLC). One neighbor was divorced and African American. She was ostracized and it was WRONG. It was the narrow-minded people that lived there. "Tommie" was so sweet. Funny thing was that because we were friends with her, some people didn't like us either.

My sister said that she may be a Utahan, after living there for so long, but she is not a Utah Mormon.

Again, it is the CULTURE, not the LDS church.

Answer 4

It's the church of the Latter Day Saints. Mormons came from Europe in the 1800's, and Brigham Young (the leader of the Mormon Trail) chose Salt Lake City to settle in when they came to America. That's why there are a lot of Mormons in Utah.

Answer 5

I think a lot of it is the perception that it's looked down upon. If you assume people are looking down on you, you are likely to negatively interpret what otherwise might be innocent actions or comments.

That said, most girls do get married at a young age, so it is out of the 'norm' to be 26 and unmarried. My wife was 24 when I married her 3 years ago, and she never seemed to think that people thought it strange that she was unmarried.

My Sister is in the relief society in her ward, and when she started she was told that the number one problem she would be dealing with was divorces and single wives. It seems to be a common problem lately. It's a sad thing, but it might be good to remember that you're not alone. And as hard as it is, remember that what other people think really doesn't matter, it's just a reflection of their own personal spiritual state.

I wish you the best, I know it won't likely be easy, but if you need your ex slapped around a bit, just let me know :)

Don't let ANYONE tell you that you're doing the wrong thing by divorcing him. I'm sure that it wasn't an easy decision for you to make, just as I'm sure that you are making the decision that is best for you.

Answer 6

Wow- is it still that way???

It's a cultural thing - Back east they see no problem with a woman getting married at 35, waiting until she's 40 to have kids.

In Utah (and many areas in the west) they see no problem getting married early, having kids, getting them out of the house and only being 45. (my last child graduates high school and I'll only be 42 and she'll graduate college when I'm 46.)

Depends on your mindset.
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EDIT: You don't have to explain to anyone why you are divorcing.
Perhaps your feeling 'looked down on' has more to do with what your husband has done to you than the perceived social pressure.

Answer 7

There is a Wasatch front subculture. I had a missionary companion that went into shock when he discovered that the Japanese Saints don't celebrate Pioneer Day. I lived in a Ward in Arkansas that was in turmoil because the chorister asked them to stand while singing and some "Utah Mormons" thought that standing was "too Protestant". However I went too BYU at 25 and married there a year later. Out here in the real world single eligible members are fewer and farther between. You have to weigh both sides.

Answer 8

I think this perception is most prevelant amongst those who are concerned about how they are being perceived.

Remember, Sheri Dew is single -- she's a terrific woman, now at least in her 50's if not greater - has written the biography of a prophet and ran Deseret Book...

Have an active interest in life. Be less concerned about what people think of you. Seek to follow the Savior and help Him in all things. The rest will follow in due course.

Carry yourself with confidence and that is all that others will see. Anyone who says something unkind behind your back is not only un-christian, but also unworthy of your notice. The opinion of others is only worth what you are willing to pay for it. Pay it no heed.

Congratulations on having the strength to not only survive, but escape this abusive marriage. No, go and do the same with life.

Merry Christmas

Answer 9

Your State is thought upon as marrying
too young.
The Mormons had a lot to do with that.
Utah is considered a Mormon State.

Move :-) , its a BIG Country.
" Woman are doing it for themselves ".
Just like the song says.

The choice is up to you as to IF, or
when you marry. ;-)

Answer 10

If you feel looked down on in Utah you would probably be happier in another part the country. Why don't you make plans and move.

Thumbs up to you! No woman should ever stay with someone who abuses her.
Best wishes.