My daughter is embarassed that I had her at 16.?

Question

My daughter is about to be 13 and last night she confessed to me that she's embarassed that I had her when I was 16 yrs. old & she feels that she prevented me from "being a regular teen". NEVER! I tried to explain to her that getting pregnant with her was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have NEVER had the thought "I wish I wasn't a mom". I was blessed with 2 parents who were and still are there for me and my daughter. My parents didn't kick me out of the house, and would watch my child when I went out, worked or whatever! In doing that my mother let me be a "regular teen/young adult" and still be a mom. Someone please help me, I don't want my daughter to be embarassed of me and I definitely don't want her to feel ANYTHING is her fault or that she has hindered me in any way. I'm doing very well financially for her, everything I do is to make her happy. She's my world. Please help.

Answer 1

at 13 EVERYTHING embarrasses you about your parents!

Answer 2

You are correct that it was not her fault and that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. There is a lot of talk about how awful teenage pregnancies are. That is probably where her embarassment comes from, the constant message that teenage pregnancy will screw up your life. You were very fortunate you had two caring parents that allowed you to have the best of both worlds. Keep doing what you are doing. Stress to her that you have no regrets. Acknowledge that a lot of people think teenage pregnancies hold a girl back or can change their lives maybe not for the better. It is an opportunity to teach her that you can have adversity in your life and still be okay and happy and successful. You have to make the best of your circumstances. Maybe even acknowledge some of the difficulties and worries you had at the time. Stress that she is the best thing that ever happened and in spite of your worries at the time, you wouldn't change anything. Let her know that she doesn't have to tell the world you were a teenage mother, they don't know how old you were when you had her. She sounds like a sensitive and understanding child. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Tell her just that. I would also try to tell her that you don't want her to be a mom till she is older and can try all those things-you are happy with your life but all parents want something more for their kids and you want her to follow her own dreams. But also-at that age-kids are going to be embarrased by every thing you do or ever did. Part of being a teen is feeling like you family is the most embarassing thing ever. It will pass. But she may also be a little put off for a while over this whole Jamie Lynn Spears being preg at 16. Face it-she will hear the critical remarks and think of how that applies to your situation. You can't prevent that but you can have an open honest conversation about it. At least she is thinking of how you didnt get to do "normal" teen stuff-so she still loves you enough to think of that even if she is tossing around the embarrasement line. Sometimes it is more about how a person says something than what they say. Maybe tell her some of the normal stuff you still got to do or things you and she did together. Good luck.

Answer 4

I suppose there's no magic thing you can tell her to make her feel otherwise. I just don't think at that age you are capable to think maturely about the situation as an adult would. When I was a teenager, I just had a very black/white view of the world, and I think its really hard as a parent to convince their children otherwise about these kind of things. it seems that, if you've already told her the things you've told everyone else here, that the only thing you can do is wait until she's 17 or 18, and then she'll probably come to understand. maybe too there is a movie you can watch now with your daughter about young mothers that depicts how much the young mother loves her child and would do anything for her. you know what i mean? maybe that's an easier way to get the message across, since its not coming from what she considers to be a biased source that does not want to hurt her feelings-- you. what about that natalie portman film about the girl who gives birth in a walmart? that shows that kind of mother child relationship, although the parents are supportive like yours were. she'll understand someday. don't worry.

Answer 5

Tell her she was an unexpected spectacular gift from God. You're whole life was her from the moment you knew she existed. You never felt hindered, but excited to have a child. You had wonderful parents that made it easy to be a young mother. Once you had her, being a "regular teen" wasn't as appealing. Because of her, you are more mature, more financially stable, and a better person than most other 29 year old women. In doing that, she made your life what it is today. If she truly is "embarassed", that's a whole other issue, because I don't know any 13 year olds that aren't embarassed by EVERYTHING their lame parents do.

Answer 6

at 13 everything about parents embarass them. Personally I don't think you had normal teen years because you were a mom. You were lucky to have the parents you did. What you need to do is tell her how much you love her and if she finds it an embarassment then tell her it is a good lesson to learn from. That she should wait until she is out of her teen years to be intimate with a man. You can tell her that you wouldn't change your past because it made you who you are (you sound like a good person). But having children at 16 is not for everyone nor should it be. Keeping with the "it was your choice to have her and raise her" theme. Don't be upset by her, remember your situation was different from most. If you had my parents, you would have been lucky to finish school, my parents would have made you get a full time job and only babysit for you while at work.

Answer 7

If you've explained that to her that may be the best that you can do. The truth is that she did change your life and you probably didn't have a "regular teen" experience but you should explain that you don't regret it and how much you love her. If you and she can't get over it maybe a family therapist could help. BTW 13 year old girls are always embarassed by their mothers! If you had been in the perfect situation when she was born she'd still find a way to be embarrassed its part of the age and phase that kids go through.

Answer 8

Somehow you need to walk a difficult tightrope here between showing her that you made the most of a less than picture perfect situation and you don't regret the blessing she has been in your life, without making her think that teen pregnancy is a good thing to be glamourized or condoned if it can be prevented.

I have felt the same way about my divorce. My husband is a great father figure, but no matter how much we have risen from the ashes here, the reality of a broken home isn't what I would have wished for my kids nor what I want them to settle for if they could have a happy first and only marriage instead.

Have an honest talk with her & say the things you've said above, along with a dose of reality about how you hope and expect better for her because you want the best for her, but that you will always be there for her as a mom regardless.
Be thankful that she is beginning to grow up and figure life out--hopefully that will help her make good decisions in life and learn from the mistakes of others rather than having to learn them for herself the hard way, as well as appreciating you for overcoming the adversity you've faced to get her to this point as well-adjusted as she is!

Answer 9

Your daughter is 13. Shes bound to be embarrassed about something. :) Remember when you were 13? Didn't your parents horrify you? haha Mine did!! Just make sure you tell her that you love her, that shes beautiful, and that she's the reason that you're happy. Tell her that if you didn't have her you'd be lost.

It may or may not help, but in time, she will stop being embarrased. Someday she will realize the truth of it all. But she's still a child. And a mother's love isn't really something you can understand until you are one. :)

If she's really that concerned about hindering your life, I would say congratulations. You've raised a kind and thoughtful 13 year old girl. I work with 13 year olds and I can tell you, thats a huge accomplishment.

Answer 10

I had my first @ 17, I have never had this issue, but maybe to help her, let her know she is definitely not the only one who's mom is young. Let her know as she gets older she will be able to appreciate this, my daughter is (25) and grand baby (1 1/2 ). I have had 4 great kids.I am only 42..
We go out and can relate to each other more than I did with my mom. Besides she gets a kick when I start dancing to her rap music, it puts a time stamp on our age difference.
One thing you might do to help her is to put out an older image when her friends are around.
Don't dance to the music until she's a little older, lol. She will have a FIT.
One more note let her know that your fine and you will get your fun down the road.

Answer 11

i had my oldest daughter at 18. And it was a blessing. yeh, we grew up together, and share a bond that my other children and i don't have , because i was older when i had them. You made a choice to have your daughter. You loved her from the time you concieved her. You could of aborted, but didn't. that makes her most special, I don't think she is embarassed, as much as taken on the responsibility of your "missed" child hood. when in reality, she is a big part of your child hood. she has played a huge role in who you are. I give you a huge "ata boy". You CHOSE the path of parenthood, where most 16 yr olds would of aborted. You were unselfish, loving that baby. Just think when you get older, the things the two of you can do because you will still be young. let her know you loved her so much, there was no sacrafices. there where choices. choices of loving another human being, choices of bringing a beautiful child in the world, choices of being a mom....the greatest accomplishment of all. and if you were to go back in time, would do it all agian.

i also have 14 and 15 year old daughters, understand that at that age things you do are embarassing to them. but they always introduce me as "mom"and because of having my first so young, all their friends think i'm the coolest mom around.

sincethe generation gap is not so be you have an advantage. use it.