I need some help and advice with this one!!?

Question

A friends and I went to a “high class” function. (We work together at the same school and we talk all the time.) It was a fund raiser for AIDS research. I was invited by friends of other friends. By the time we got to the dinner, it was six of us seated at the table. The occupations of the people that were seated at the table were a Physical Therapist, Accountant, Chemical Engineer, a 'Tech guy," a high school counselor (me) and a school Cafe. Worker. (The Cafe. Worker came with me.)

(HERE IS THE ISSUE)
The question of occupation and salaries came up. I felt a little uncomfortable because with this bunch anything under six figs seemed to be chump change. So after they ask my friend (The Cafe Worker) what she made, after she told them the looked at each other for a second and then started to laugh. (I will be honest, I was mad as hell). My friend (Café Worker) was noticeably uncomfortable and felt out of place. They then asked what her salary was.

That is when I BLASTED their snooty aizzez. I don't remember everything I said, but it was enough to turn heads at other tables. Many people thought I was rude and mean. After I said what I had to say, no one spoke to me the whole night and the friend that invited me was very embarrassed by my actions.

(TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT)

On the way home my friend (Café Worker) thanked me for taking up for her, but she said that she did not want to go to any other events with me. She felt we really operated in two different worlds. (I was hurt by that b/c we had been friends for five yrs, but that is not the issue at hand.) The person who invited me called my cell phone while I was driving on the way home and cussed me out for embarrassing him and hanging with “low lives.” So I cussed his aizz right back, he wants nothing to do with me after this b/c he said that I ruined is “networks” (????)

(QUESTIONS FOR YOU)

1. Was I wrong for letting them have it at the fundraiser?
2. My friend at school (the café worker) no longer wants anything to do with me b/c she thinks that I have set her up for failure. Even though she is one of my best friends, Was I wrong for inviting her?

P.S. Please provide objective advice. I am a brotha that has lost two good friends by just going to a dinner party.

Answer 1

You were both right and wrong. I attend galas often and it was EXTREMELY rude for your dinner companions to ask about salaries. It is acceptable to ask what a person's occupation is however.

I have brought people to galas who were most definitely the poorest person in attendance. What I do is inform them as to the scope of the event. I also offer to loan them clothes if they do not have anything to wear. (I tell them that I have tons of dresses and you can never wear the same one to two different events so I do not need them. I put them in contact with my tailor if they are smaller than I am. If this will not work just make sure they know it is a formal affair.

As to what your reaction should have been, you were wrong to make a scene. You were a guest of another person and your outburst no matter what the reason, reflected poorly on the friend who invited you and yes, you could have possibly hurt that friend's business contacts. The friend will no longer be invited to events that can help their career because the host/hostess does not want drama at their event. As a result, they will not invite your friend as they have shown poor judgment as to the person they invited to be their guest.

You should NEVER make a scene at these events. If you have a problem with a person, take it up quietly or later. You NEVER CURSE!

What I would have done were I at your table is this: If I had invited my friend who is considerably poorer than the others and may not feel comfortable about discussing their job, when the subject came up I would have intercepted for him/her.

You could have said a something like:

Joe (Or whoever asked the rude question) you just want to brag to all of us about how great you are! Lets talk about something we are actually interested in! This would put the person who asked the rude question in an embarrassing situation just like he/she tried to put your friend in.

Then try to steer the conversation to a subject that you know you less-advantaged friend is knowledgeable in. If he/she is good at sports, try sports or if they paint or draw this is the ideal place to bring it up as many wealthy people are patrons of art.

Another thing to do to make your friend feel welcome depends on your own income. If you can afford it, make sure you buy a cashier's check made out to the AIDS charity from her. This way she can feel as if she is on even playing ground.

Now, as to what you should do.

Although your intentions were good you should send out a few letters of apology. You can buy a pack of Thank You cards in the Hallmark aisle at any place that carries Hallmark.

First send one to the friend who invited you. Thank them for the opportunity to attend such a lovely party. First apologize for not asking their permission in the first place to invite another guest (This is never a good idea as the host/hostess caters for a certain number of people and if everyone brings a friend, who brings a friend....You get the picture!) Then apologize for your actions. Tell them that your intentions were good as you were trying to protect the person you invited from unnecessary embarrasssment. Tell them you have also apologized to (Whoever-The person who invited them) and explained the situation. Say you hope that this will not harm your relationship or future invitations, assure them that you have learned a valuable lesson and hopefully will never embarras them again.

Then find who invited them and send them a Thank You card. Again first Thank them for the party then apologize for your actions. Tell them that you realize that it is no excuse for your actions but you were trying to protect another guest from embarrasssment created by another guest solely to embarrass them. Tell them that you hope your actions will not reflect poorly on your friend (The one who invited you) as they were not there and had nothing to do with the situation. It was entirely your fault and you now know a better way to come to the assistance of a guest in trouble and will never do something like this again.

If the party was not thrown by either person you have already written to, you should send one to them as well.

Then last but not least,

Send another letter to the friend (Cafe Worker) apologize for the actions of the others. Then apologize for your actions. Tell her that you were trying to help her and if you made things worse you are very sorry. Tell her your heart was in the right place and hopefully you can remain friends.

That should do it.

I know that your heart was in the right place you just needed more experience to know how to handle it. Just remember:

Never invite someone who was not invited to a party unless you either get their permission or if your invitation said you and "A Guest".

Never Ever make a scene during a party! Either pull a person aside (Outside) and talk to them or take it up later.

It is never a good idea to cuss at a party of any sort. You never want to embarras your host/hostess. It is also a good idea to never cuss around people you do not know. A person shows much more character to be able to tell someone off without either raising their voice or cussing (been there, Done That!)

If you see a "situation" developing that can either embarrass someone else or a cause a scene, try to run interference usually by changing the subject and getting at least one person involved in another conversation. You will become the darling of the party and everyone will want to invite you because you saved the party by avoiding a situation.

Your heart was in the right place,

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Ok, this is a difficult situation and I know you must have a heart because you care about how your actions have affected your friend.
It should not matter, when you make friends, whether they make a zillion dollars a year or are on welfare, whether they are gay or straight, christian, buddist, muslim or whatever. If you like the person, that is all that matters.
Having said that, yes the world is social and some people are so materialistic that they believe the true measure of their worth is their paycheck. These are the people with the problem and perhaps you should think if you want them as friends.
I believe it was a mistake for you to throw a fit at the fundraiser, you were there to raise money and awarness for AIDS and that should have been your topics. You could have just made a statement that you didn't think talking about money was an appropriate dinner conversation. However, I know how it is to get upset and fly off the handle. But don't stoop to their level.
Now that your friend knows how you feel, why don't you just talk with them and let them know that they are one of your best friends and that you don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I am sure you can work this out.

Answer 3

I'm not sure if I'm just repeating what everyone has already said, but one thing that came to mind is you can go back and apologize for your actions only. That way you have done what is right for you, but you don't have to still accept the unacceptable behavior. You can say, "I'm calling just to let you know that I should not have yelled and caused a scene at the restaurant, for that I am sorry." And leave it at that, I wouldn't go explaining why you did it because then you will be telling them what they did wrong again and truthfully if that's the kind of people they are that's their business. As far as your other friend a nice thing to do with her would be to take her to lunch and apologize by saying, "I didn't mean to embarrass you, will you forgive me."
The important thing is that you clean up what you did wrong. There is nothing you can do about how they are... and just for confirmation that was rude and very inconsiderate of them!!!

Answer 4

Maybe, just maybe that little outburst was uncalled for? What do you think? I think that you should have changed the subject or just told them that you were uncomfortable talking about this BEFORE they go to your friend.

So, they have already laughed at her. You could have made a joke of it at their expense or just waited until after the party to call and give the the what-for. Doing it at the party was a huge mistake even thought the gesture was from the heart.

As for your friends, drop the others like a hot plate and go make amends with the Cafe Worker. She sounds like your real friend. Tell her you are sorry and explain why you did what you did.

Answer 5

Discussing one's salary,other than with human resource department, is definitely taboo in a social setting. It should never have been brought up to begin with. Someone should have stopped the discussion from the get go by saying this is a highy personal subject and I would perfer not to participate.I think you should not have exploded, but rather excused yourself from the dinner and left. What did you accomplish by getting upset in front of everyone. You would have made a bigger impact by stopping the conversation at the beginning or leaving afterward. The others were extremely rude and obnoxious and didn't deserve the courtesy of a response. It's great that you stood up for your friend, but a more professional manner would have had a bigger impact. If it happens again, stop the conversation politely by saying something "guys, this is way to personal for me and I'm not telling what I'm paid, anyway what I make, I earn it and I'm definitely worth it."

Answer 6

Be there for her and try and get her to talk to her parents... By her talking to them gives her more options on wether or not she wants to keep it or even adoption she has more options now than she will later. Her parents will find out eventually just make sure it's not to late. And be a good friend and try and help/guide her to make the choices she wants and not what anyone "wants" her to do because she am has to deal with it later on in life no matter what she decides... And like the girl before said her parents will grow to the idea and yes there's a chance they'll loose it but the won't hurt her or the baby. So encourage her to make her decisions that will benefit her in the end.

Answer 7

Rude was what those jerks were. I'm afraid I'd have reacted exactly like you did and I wouldn't give it a second thought.
I'd apologize to your friend explaining you had no idea how rude the people you sat with were. Hopefully she will come around, it wasn't your fault these people have no manners. And at a charity event at that, blows my mind.
Most people with any class know you do not ask someone what their income is. That is just none of their business.
It's too bad this happened and I certainly know which friends feelings I'd be more concerned about.

Answer 8

You shouldn't have made a scene like that. They were wrong for even being so bold as to ask what your salary was, but your friend didn't have to answer them. Maybe you should just apologize and move on.

That said, I can't really blame you for what you did. I couldn't sit there and let people laugh at and embarrass any of my friends. But I know better than to make a scene like that...maybe you should have just waited until it was over with and had a word with them in private about it.

Answer 9

I think you should have waited and spoken to them in private. You would have avoided embarrasing the lady who came with you, the others at the table, and, most importantly, YOURSELF if you had just waited.

You were not wrong for inviting her. They were wrong for laughing at her for her occupation. Obviously they get their self worth from how much money they make and don't see people who earn less as valuable human beings.

If you want to keep these "friends", go to each of them separately and apologize for going off on them in front of everyone. Explain that it angered and embarrassed you when they laughed at your friend for her occupation. Tell them you realize you could have handled the situation better. Although, it sounds to me as if you have a really different point of view than these "friends" and maybe you don't want to mend fences.

As for the cafeteria worker, go to her and apologize for embarrassing her. Explain to her that you were just angered by them laughing at her and you just didn't handle it very well.

Answer 10

People who bring up things like titles and salaries are telling you how they define themselves. Your friend gave the information of her own volition and obviously does not consider that what she makes to be the definition of who she is.
The bottom line is that you were both there to support the same cause as everyone else. Big or small, rich or poor, certain causes are important enough for each of us to suck it up and move on, which, I suspect, is what your friend would have done after the initial reaction of the rude people at your shared table.
Sometimes the knight in shining armor falls off his pony and needs to apologise!

Answer 11

Yes you were wrong for letting them have it. This was certainly not the time or place. I've handled similar situations of work & salaries by saying - in effect "I'm much more of a person than the type of work I do, so I'd rather not discuss it".

I'm sorry your friend is angry & upset with you. While frustrating & embarassing for her, she should realive you wouldn't do anything intentional to hurt her.