its late. i had to make up another one. not as good as the first one......tell me what you think:
The time is moving slow and
I am waiting for something new
Each minute feels like an hour
And I don’t know what to do
I wait for a new fantasy to conquer
As the Sandman seems to be coming early
To sprinkle his golden sands over my eyes
The clock stops and
Slowly
Slowly
Slowly
I drift off,
Close my eyes
And start to dream in Technicolor
2007-12-18 21:56:53 · 9 answers · asked by !! 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
thanks in advance for the feedback. here is my other one if you want to read it:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Av5qlCBZrkxA0eDnFqkCa2OExQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20071219004428AAxplvh
2007-12-18 22:07:13 · update #1
it's good, really liked it.
2007-12-18 22:00:49 · answer #1 · answered by SMB 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've read both, and agree with Timmy and Thurge.
With some finessing BOTH could be valid pieces.
I'm confused too about Technicolor, and even Golden sands?
Two things, One from each question, suggest "Forcing"
"Writers Block" a term way over used, is often cured by walking away from the work. Certainly that's true with anything we want to accomplish.
"It's late" is another term that defines possible distraction; diversion; loss of foucus; or FLOW at the very least. Sleep would have been as productive.
The notion in both questions is a feeling on your part, that there is some time limit, and again, forcing a piece hardly ever creates genius work. Forgive this too, but taking suggestions might be OK, but not something you should strictly engage in to copy. Being "Nudged" is no sin, certainly, if it causes/sparks, new thought in your own process.
Finally, and just my two cents, "poetry" especially, should pretty much compose itself. You're primarily just the functional tool to record it.
Steven Wolf
2007-12-18 23:07:46 · answer #2 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What exactly are you going for? It really did not have a true rhyming scheme or a set pattern. It kinda jumped around everywhere. It makes sense at the same time it does not. It almost seemed like you rushed it. You can't rush art or even poetry. When you do that everything ends to sudden. Poetry is like life, when you rush then it is close to being over.
Other than that I think it is a good start.
2007-12-18 22:04:57 · answer #3 · answered by timmy boomstick 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is great, nice rhyming at the beginning. I'm not sure the word "Technicolor" goes well with the poem.
2007-12-18 22:02:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it, maybe the clock stops and my eyes draw wherry?
2007-12-18 22:06:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's amazing
2007-12-18 22:04:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
good job i really like it
2007-12-18 22:05:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good
2007-12-19 10:25:01 · answer #8 · answered by cynthia e 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice.still can do better
2007-12-18 22:00:18 · answer #9 · answered by naga_student001 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋