Do I have the right partner ?

Question

(on behalf of my friend)

I have been married from last 1 1/2 years. Mine is a joint family. When i told her evrything about me she promised me she will look after everything and she will support be from all angles. But when she came home after 2 months she was not comfortable. Seeing i m very attached to my family. I take care of my family, she use to loose temp. I do take care of her also. Later on i came to know that she is very short tamper and narrow minded, since she has never seen a joint family. We even had a talk on this problem after some fight. Inicially she agreed but she kept on doing the same thing (arguement) on silly things. I am a very open minded and cool person. I think i too have life to live and that is my right. But the tension is not reducing. Even i thought about the divorce, but i didnt dare to take this decision thinking about her and her family (they are very simple and innocent people). I think this will go on and on. I am in a fix. Kindly need your advice

Answer 1

Concept of living in Joint family in India is receding since last two generations, i.e. you can say since your grand parent’s time. Now young couples feel very odd continuing in joint families with parent in laws & other in laws & they find excuses to find an opening to come out of this by all sort of behavior as you related in your case. As far sons are concerned they have strong attachment for their parents & other siblings, but we should not forget that even the daughters they leave their parent's home to join their husband & with no stretch of mind you can say that they don't have same love & affection for their parents as their husband. Considering this it is advised that if your wife is feeling uncomfortable to continue with your parents & other relatives in this joint family, then move out & start a unitary family with her. This in no way means that you will be breaking completely from your parents & other relatives, but you will yourself see when ever you visit them with your wife she herself will be more concerned for them then you. Reason for this is that she will be having this thing in her mind that it’s only because of her you got separated from them & in order to cover her she will show more care & concern towards them. This is a reality which I have seen in many cases where the couple moved out & started their own unitary family. This is the best solution I see in such cases & merely for this reason dissolving a marriage which is otherwise o.k. is wrong. Once you move out & she behaves normaly, no need breaking this marriage.

Answer 2

if she knew about the family & she is acting like this then you need to look at if there is anything else that is bothering her...

how does the family accept her?

how does she get along with the family?

Many a times when women get married they expect some privacy for her & her husband... if you are very close to the family are you ignoring her needs?

Just talking & no action might just put people off! It applies to the husband & the wife... both have to come to a point where you both decide to give up something... when you are living together the word 'compromise' kicks in whether you like it or not!

Divorce is an answer only & only when you both have tried all the possible means & cant come to an answer.. its easy to jump into it but then you should nt regret what you did!

Answer 3

Honestly, I wouldn’t agree to live in a joint family... I’m sure that I would run away after a couple of weeks...
A young married couple needs its own space and intimacy.
She agreed without knowing what she is really going to expect and I am sure she is angry with herself to have agreed to this kind of living.
I guess she is not short tempered, but it gets on her nerves to have 24 h nagging relatives from her husband around… try to understand it. You go away to work and you come home and it’s okay for you, but just imagine to have your in-laws around every day, every hour… sounds to get fed up pretty quick, doesn’t it.
What can you do?
Well, try to find a compromise, try to give her more individual space and share more intimacy with her and on the other hand she should accept to have the rest of your family around... or live next door or close to your family, but in a private house or flat.
If this is not possible, well, I guess that you both will have to take a decision and decide if your marriage is more important or living with your family or not.
You can’t expect from her that she spoils her whole life living it the way you want it to be and she can’t expect from you to give in with everything and refuse totally the way of life you want to.
Tricky situation, but it can be solved out as long as both of you love each other enough.

Answer 4

ok first thing first this question is from behalf of ur frnd is it correct ?

So may be you dont know everything about their relationship? but still i want to give u answer. so when a girl married to someone she just thought that person will give first priority to her. but in joint family this doesnt happen . because everyperson is attached to the everyone and ne new member ( especially bride ) cant accept this fact. and there are no grades or the scales for family member. so you have to cop up with the situation and just be yourself and always show her about her importance. dont get separate from ur family because they are also the essentials in ur life. so just keep trying to convince your wife that she got more importance in your life ( if you believer that ) everytime you have to be more positive and optimistic about her and
divorce is not the option that is only your ESCAPISM. you just wants to escape from the situation and plz never ever think about this.

Answer 5

First, dont be intimidadet by other pople's thoughts, that is YOUR marriage, not THEIR's second u should talk to her, and tell her that, this issues are becoming irritating 4 u, and ask her what u 2 can do to make things better, third also think what should be the best 4 u and 4 her, and remember if she DOES love u she will find the way to get a solution, and also please DO take care of her like a princess she is, and remember u are her prince...

Answer 6

How does she behaves with her family, i was in same situation before, she agreed to live in joint family but in no time she started fighting and what not with every one. finally i decided to divorcee her and i did. i am sure her family are just great people but you will be leaving with her every day for rest of your life. ask her if she is satisfied sexually. i think that may be the reason

Answer 7

I like what SUCCESS said you and your wife are family now, and that takes first place. Your vows were to leave all and cleave to one another... And the two are one...
Your wife's temper tan trams are a direct effect of her inability to control her environment. Include her in ALL of the decision making, and you will see her bad temper dissipate.
Divorce is a cop out. Don't give in to the temptation to do the quick and easy (LAZY) thing. Marriage takes work, and commitment... give it ALL and you will get it all. I wish you the BEST!!!

Answer 8

You and your family are very close. Is your wife a part of that closeness, is she in the "family circle" or is she on the outside looking in? It may be that she feels like an outcast.?Speak to your family and advise them that your wife needs to be included 100% for the relationship to work. There will always be animosity if she is not fully accepted. They need to accept her as an extension of you and she needs to be open to them as well.

Answer 9

For the first couple years of a relationship, people are on there best behavior & it takes a while for them to let there bad side show. IT is who she is. Take it or leave it. Weigh out her good side & her bad! Which is better? That will be your answer!

Answer 10

why dont u live away from ur family for sometime for her? atleast for a change.. u can make her to understand things better being away from ur family.. only when u come out.. u can make her to think how difficult.. or what are the loss of being apart from ur family... Just for change y dont u try this? She came for u leaving her family.. so atleast for that respect her thoughts and wishes if she is correct..