Is it best that they are out of my life?

Question

I had a big fight with my mom today. I had lived with her for many years after my daughter was born, 14+ years actually in which I didn't date, go out with friends, etc. I moved out a couple years ago because I was asked to leave since I had began a relationship with a man. I had the choice to either go back to being celibate and staying home all the time or leaving. My daughter never moved with me and will not even stay all night because I have had sex in my apartment. I have gave her money every week and taken her our a couple times a week but have had financial problems for several months. I let my insurance go just to give her money a couple weeks ago. Today I was supposed to meet her and take her to eat but I didn't because I didn't even have the bus fare (have to save it to get to and from work) and I didn't think she would want to see me anyway. My mom came over and got all over me, and said I was a whore and a terrible mother for not giving my daughter 100 for christmas

I don't even have groceries. I wrote her tonight and she hasn;t even read my letter and blocked me from her myspace. I am very sad but wonder if it not for the best because she and my mom want to completely control my life and she should love me and want to see me even if I dont' have money to spend.

my mom and stepdad told all my neighbors about how bad I am and my mom says she is going to go to my job and make a scene to get me fired. She and my daughter are very deeply religious but seem to love revenge. My daughter is almost grown and will have her own life so why does she expect me to have to life? I didn't go on a single date in the first 14 years of her life.

Answer 1

Who taught her such a thing? That her love for you should be contingent on whether or not you have money for her? You are her MOTHER. I'll be damned if I allowed my kid to be brought up under such demented conditions.

Do you work? If I were you I would work my butt off, make some money to support the both of you, and get that child away from her. Your daughter will fight that at first but seriously, Her grandmother's influence is twisted.

Sex is a NATURAL OCCURRENCE BETWEEN ADULT HUMAN BEINGS. You are in a monogamous relationship. You are no whore. I'm sorry but the whole "no sex before marriage" thing is just absurd to me. It is a primitive and creepy belief system that totally goes against nature. God gave us those feelings and instincts for a reason. A great book for you:

Conversations With God Books 1,2 & 3

Answer 2

Sounds like your mom really has controlled not only you but your daughter, as well. I would never have left without my daughter, but you already did. Now your mom is your daughter's major influence. You need to see your daughter and explain the mistakes you've made:
1. leaving her behind
2. allowing her grandmother to control both of your lives
3. believing it was for the best because you were told that
it was by your mother
4. moving back in with your mom in the first place
5. making decisions based on not knowing what else to do
6. leaving her behind
7. believing she would be better off with her grandmother
8. leaving her behind
9. allowing someone else to decide who's the better parent
10. not taking responsibility for your daughter in the first place.

Make sure your daughter understands that adults don't always make the best decisions. It's a different world when your an adult faced with responsibilities. Ask her to be a little understanding and forgive you for your shortcomings. She's at least 14 yrs old now, and can understand some of the more adult situations. Let her know that since she's older now, she can understand more adult matters than before when she was younger. Most of all, tell her what you wished you had done and would like to do. Good luck...

Answer 3

It sounds to me like your Mom is one of those Christian fanatics who would rather condemn than forgive. I don't think she will actually go to your job to get you fired but it's a terrible thing for her to threaten you with.

The situation with your daughter is much more complicated. She may be sulking because she's not getting what she wants (more money, etc). On the other hand she might be feeling rejected by you, since you don't see her often enough. Kids need to know their parents love them, even if they pretend that parents are just a bother.

Trying to repair things with your Mom may be impossible; but you shouldn't give up on your daughter, because she still needs you. And you can still offer her emotional support and personal interest and attention even if you don't have much money.

Why don't you look for a full-time job instead of staying with the one you have? You've got several years of experience in the job market, you ought to qualify by now for something better somewhere else.

Answer 4

Honey, sounds like you cannot even support yourself.
Move back in with your mom, date the guy no sex, no spending the night at his place.You dont realize it but when you do those things, you are telling your daughter it is ok for HER to do them too.
Be real for a moment.Lets say your daughter met a guy she was crazy for and he was a bum, but she "loved " him anyway.Would you want her following your example?
I think your mom should allow you to date, and I know what its like to be lonely and I know the temptation is terrible.
The thing is thats why people get married.
Im not saying get married to morrow, date for a yr no sex, get home at a decent hour, then after a yr see if he wants to marry.
Otherwise your daughter is thinking you picked him over her, and thats really what your actions say hon.Explain your financial situation to your mom, put it in a letter so she will read it, she may not want to listen to you, but more than likely she would read a letter.

Answer 5

I know you're mother must seem controlling but like it or not she's family and so is your daughter, I don't think you're a terrible mother I mean you're trying your hardest right now. You really need to have a talk with your mother and your daughter, you shouldn't be fighting like this during the holiday season.